


Fantasy of Utter Ridiculousness

by CurtisWildcat



Category: Megas XLR, Touhou Project
Genre: Because of Reasons, Chekhov's Gun, Cool Versus Awesome, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crossover, Deconstruction, Gen, Multiple Endings, Technology Doesn't Work This Way, You Are What You Hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 65,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27714215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurtisWildcat/pseuds/CurtisWildcat
Summary: Shortly after the respective events of "Imperishable Night" and "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Coop", an encounter with the Lunarians ends with Megas and its crew being warped into Gensokyo. Buckle up, everyone. It's going to be a weird trip. (This is a re-posting from Fanfiction Dot Net. If you've read the story there already, feel free to ignore this entry.)
Kudos: 4





	1. Ch. 1: Lunatic Blue Mech

Tewi sat on the roof at Eientei, staring up at the moon. It was barely over a month ago when the night that some had called "Imperishable" had taken place. Now for an entirely different reason from what had transpired, she felt that it would be due to the moon once again that their lives were about to be enlivened.

She stared at the faint twinkles of light surrounding the moon, instinctively knowing that they were not stars and wondering what was going on up there. Something wasn't right about all of this...

A minute later, Tewi's eyes widened in shock as it happened. Was it some sort of trick? A complex prank of the type that she'd pull on Reisen? ... _No,_ she told herself. _It's worse. Much worse. This is no trick or illusion... this is very real!_

Jumping off the roof, she flew indoors to search for the first Lunarian she could find. It was unusual behavior for her to act this way, but even she knew the potential repercussions: the long-lasting night had been due in part to a misunderstanding, but this next incident would be a disaster.

/-/-/-/

Outside the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Meiling maintained a silent vigil. Even at this time of night, when Gensokyo's humans would be asleep (and thus, no risk of Marisa barging in uninvited), there was no lack of potential intruders; fairies and immature youkai alike would occasionally try to bypass the gates. Her track record had been good thus far, and she wanted to keep it that way.

Still, she had her limits. She needed to sleep every now and then, if only to give her mind a rest, and the time for her to do so was fast approaching. She'd give it another ten minutes or so before taking a catnap, she decided.

Stretching a bit, Meiling stared up at the sky... and paused. Her eyes weren't playing tricks on her, weren't they? _What just... did that just... ..._ Finally, giving up, she allowed her eyes to bulge and her mouth to drop open.

Meiling was fully acquainted with Remilia's strengths and weaknesses, and knew that they were connected in some way to the moon. She also knew bad omens when she saw them, and this one qualified. High-jumping over the gate, she charged towards the Mansion's front door in the hopes that Sakuya or Remilia were somewhere nearby.

/-/-/-/

Youkai or not, Alice wasn't known for keeping odd hours. Tonight, though, she couldn't stay asleep; some leftover nightmares from the recent tag-team fight against Mokou, she supposed. She and Marisa had learned a bit of her history from the schoolteacher Keine after the dust had settled, and what she heard agitated her inwardly even as she remained calm outwardly. Some of Marisa's comments were borderline insensitive, not helping things much at all.

Alice wanted to return to bed and get some much desired rest, but on top of the nightmares she was feeling an odd sense of foreboding. She walked to a window and sat down near it, trying to remember _why_ she had agreed to that trial of guts anyway...

Something caught her eye. She squinted up at the sky, examining what was sprinkled around the moon. She didn't know what had happened, but at least she understood what that foreboding feeling was about. She needed to tell someone about this before her nerves made her do something rash.

Five minutes later she was away from her home and airborne, flying as fast as she could. 'Two heads are better than one', as the expression went, so _maybe_ Marisa would be of some assistance in figuring this mystery out.

/-/-/-/-/

"Yukari-sama?"

_Of all the things that could've happened... such a rare thing indeed._

"Are you alright? Is something wrong?"

_I recall something that a talking dog once told me. It fits this situation perfectly..._

"Is the border in danger? ...Didn't you sleep long enough? ...Did someone call you old? ...Yukari-sama, please answer me!"

Ignoring Ran's increasingly frazzled questions, Yukari stared up at the moon. This was so far beyond the realm of possibility that it wasn't even funny. _Should I say it? ...Or shall I not?..._

"Is it because of Chen? ...Have I done something wrong? ...Should I find a rolled-up newspaper and smack myself on the back of the head with it?- - -"

"Ran."

The shikigami fell silent. Yukari slowly raised a hand, pointing at the distant circle of the moon. "Look carefully. Tell me what you see."

Ran obligingly stared upwards... and froze. Her pupils shrunk, her hands clenched, and all nine tails stood straight out like exclamation marks. Her jaw opened and closed repeatedly as her mind tried to connect a fragmented sentence together.

/-/-/-/

Tewi's emergency message was delivered straight to Kaguya and Eirin, steamrolling their peaceful conversation. Likewise, Meiling had informed Sakuya of what she had seen without letting the maid inquire why she wasn't on duty. Alice had to smack Marisa awake with one of her dolls, but the discovery she voiced made the "Ordinary Magician" sit up and listen without further hassle. And Ran's shellshocked mind had finally recovered enough for her to speak.

/-/-/-/

_**"Something just blasted a hole in the moon!"** _

...

It was then that Yukari decided to say what was on her mind. "I would _not_ have predicted this."

_**/-/-/-/-/-/-/** _

_Nice._

**FANTASY**

**OF**

**UTTER**

**RIDICULOUSNESS**

_By:_ Curtis Wildcat

_**/-/-/-/-/-/-/** _

An undetermined time later on the lunar surface, Megas stood back as Coop observed his work. The task was long, dull and annoying, but the moon was as intact as it was going to get. There was nothing left over from the disaster-causing battle with the Glorft.

"So," Coop said as Megas dusted off its hands, "does that work for you?"

In the back seat, Kiva gave the area a once-over. "It'll do," she decided. "Hopefully, the chaotic weather patterns on Earth will settle down soon, if they haven't already."

"Good." The gearhead smiled in satisfaction, wiping off his brow. "Means there's enough time to fly home and catch the start of _The Rogue Wrestler_ trilogy."

"Nah." From his usual spot next to Coop, Jamie waved it off. "I'd bet you anything that we'll get caught in a situation that could've been avoided if we'd just gone home earlier."

Kiva brought up her holographic console and entered some commands into it. "The sensors aren't picking up anything..." She frowned as she thought of Coop's track record. Where he and Megas were involved, just about any dumb thing could happen. "...but we'd better be careful, just to make sure- - -"

A young yet strong feminine voice interrupted Kiva's advice. "Attention, unidentified mech!"

A thick energy burst shot past, the proximity of it forcing Megas back a step and jostling its occupants. A giant robot, this one gray, skinny and vaguely rabbit-shaped, had appeared seemingly out of thin air. It lowered the massive gun that its right arm had transformed into and spoke again, the mouthpiece mimicking the words of the pilot. "On behalf of the Lunar Defense Corps, I am here to deliver a warning. Leave now, impure ones, or we shall take action!"

"..." Jamie looked at Kiva's startled reflection in the rearview mirror. "Like I was saying..."

/-/-/-/

"Yorihime, are you sure that sending her out alone was a good idea?"

"Quite certain. The alien race that arrived caught us off guard, building their base almost on top of our civilization... it is just as well that they couldn't detect us. While I am thankful to that Earth mech's pilot for forcing them to flee, the fact remains that it caused a lot of unneeded destruction."

"..."

"In the best case scenario, she drives off the mech and gets some much-needed battle experience. In the worst case, we gather some quality intelligence on our foe. There has to be a reason why they are able to field this vehicle when the rest of their equipment is primitive by comparison."

"...All right, sister. I'll trust your judgment." Toyohime Watatsuki, one of the co-leaders of the Defense Corps, smiled. "So, you want to have a peach while we wait? There's no better way to pass the time."

Yorihime shook her head, a thin smile of her own taking form. "I'd rather watch my figure for a while, if you don't mind," she answered, settling in to watch the altercation.

/-/-/-/

It took a few extra seconds for Coop to respond. "The Lunar..."

"...Defense Corps?" Kiva finished. "Since when was there a sentient race on the moon?"

"And where were these guys when the Glorft were trying to crash this place into the earth?" Jamie wanted to know. "It's not like they made any big secret of it."

"I will say this only once more, earthers," the enemy pilot warned. "Make yourself scarce, or else I will not be responsible for what happens next."

Kiva turned away from the displays she had been manipulating. "May as well leave them be, Coop. Our job here is done."

"Wait, hold on. Are you saying that you don't want to know who these guys are?" Coop inquired.

"Who knows what's going on in their mind," added Jamie. "Or whether they're even from the moon at all."

"...Wait. Aren't you usually the one who suggests running _away_ from the enemy?"

Jamie shrugged and smiled. "We've been through a lot of weird stuff up 'til now. I guess I'm starting to get callouses."

"Look, can we just _go_ now?" Kiva insisted, becoming irritated at the slackers' stubbornness. "Who or what they are is none of our business."

Coop smiled confidently. "Come on, this won't take long. Just a few questions, and then we can go home. Maybe if we just ask politely, they'll- - -WHOA!"

Another energy blast from the rabbit mech necessitated a need to dodge; Megas followed through on that need and jerked to the left, letting the blast pass by harmlessly. Again the trio had to hang on until things settled down; notably, Jamie was cowering at how close the shot had come to hitting the car. So much for callouses.

There was no further time for pondering. The Lunarian robot morphed its gun arm into a large, curved sword and charged; Megas's engines roared as Coop met the enemy halfway.

/-/-/-/

The sisters were already talking to themselves as the battle began. From where they had been monitoring the situation, they were able to catch everything that the Earthers had been saying. So the enemy aliens had wanted to use their home to destroy the world beneath them? The Lunarians had a negative opinion of Earth as a whole, but they never wanted to see harm brought to it. It would've been a great stroke of irony had the aliens actually succeeded... The sisters' indecisiveness had almost cost them gravely.

Not this time, they decided. If all went well, _this_ enemy would never bother them again, one way or the other (points were allotted to the redheaded Earthling, though; at least _someone_ was thinking straight). And if those "Glorft" ever dared to show their faces on the moon again, the Lunarians would be waiting in full force.

/-/-/-/

Megas raised both its hands, catching the enemy's sword in-between them. Metal creaked as the Lunarian attempted to free her weapon, but the prototype held fast.

Recovering from his cowardice briefly, Jamie was treated to an up-close view of the rabbit mech's face. There was a black horizontal visor across its face where the eyes should've been. Barely visible behind that visor was...

"Huh?"

"What?" Coop acknowledged him even as Megas amped up the power, slamming the mech's sword into the ground and giving him a free punch at the robot's torso. "You see something, Jamie?"

"Yeah," Jamie said, raising an eyebrow as the mecha-rabbit staggered backwards from the hit. "There's a cute girl with rabbit ears piloting that thing."

Kiva almost facepalmed. "Why do you two always have to attract the weird ones?"

Coop shrugged and pushed a combination of buttons on his joystick. Megas responded, four beam cannons popping out of its shoulders and peppering the opponent with a volley of energy. "Beats me... hey, get back here! Did I say you could go?" he shouted as the enemy robot went evasive. He chased after it and continued firing, most of his missed shots either flying off into space or splashing against an unseen barrier.

/-/-/-/

From the start, the outcome was never in doubt. The rabbit-mech (dubbed the Guardsman by its designers) was a fine piece of equipment, boasting an unlikely combination of incredibly dense armor, high agility and speed, and a wide array of assorted bells and whistles in case those couldn't save it. But its pilot was a novice, only beginning to fully understand the power at her command, and- - -like the rest of the Defense Corps, sans their bosses- - -had a massive cowardly streak. Against a video game freak who saw Megas as the world's biggest toy, she would've been better off obeying her instincts and asking for Yorihime's assistance instead of standing her ground.

Five minutes after the confrontation began, it was just about over. The Guardsman's armor was damaged in places where Megas's fists and energy beams had finally struck, its forehead was cracked, and the sparking wires at its right shoulder showed where Coop had opted to rip out the arm and use it as a makeshift club (and depriving the mech of a sizable portion of firepower). Electricity crackled along the armor as the pilot struggled to keep the Guardsman upright.

While not escaping undamaged- - -the scorches and bits of melted armor across its torso and legs a testament to the enemy's aim- - -Megas itself was in much better condition.

An image of Megas's oversized controller appeared on the Guardsman's viewscreen. "Look, lady, are we about finished? I just have a few questions I want to ask before I leave. I don't want to miss my movies."

The pilot frowned severely, not liking the idea of answering _anything_ that he'd want to ask. She briefly glanced at one of her displays; the Guardsman's power core was flickering, and if she didn't shut the whole thing down soon it was liable to go critical. Some of the lights had turned red, confirming as much. "Is that a joke?" she spat. "Why should I tell you anything? Leave us alone!"

Another display flickered. "Don't let your pride get the best of you, Kyla," a voice spoke over the transmission.

"...!" The Lunar rabbit sat upright. "Lady Yorihime!"

"After some deliberation, we agree that it is permissible to answer their questions if it means that they won't disturb us again," a smiling Toyohime said, edging next to Yorihime into the camera's view. "Just use your own discretion and don't tell them anything classified, as per regulations."

"With all due respect, masters, I'm going to have to leave my Guardsman," Kyla informed them, an edge in her voice. "My reactor won't last much longer. Any longer than two minutes, and..."

"I understand," Toyohime said, solemn. "Is your ETB still operational?"

Kyla checked a still-functional display. "Yes, Lady Toyohime."

"Then use it, and quickly." The capital's co-guardian straightened. "I stand ready to receive you and the impure ones. Earthlings, stand by for translocation."

_It'll be close, but I think I can manage it._ "As ordered."

The fat Earthling was quick to protest to this. "Hey. I'm not sure what's going on, but I don't have time to sit around and chat. You're sure we can't just talk out here?"

Kyla was already at work, powering up the Guardsman's Emergency Transporter Boundary and selecting both herself and the Earthlings as targets. _...He seriously can't put the facts together? I guess my friends were right; impurity rots the brain._ "Quite certain. Now stand still a moment and let me handle this. This won't hurt a bit."

"Famous last words," the other male human snarked. The female in the back seat frowned and folded her arms, but didn't object.

A slot in the rabbit-mech's damaged forehead opened, revealing a translucent blue crystal shard. It glowed brightly as the Lunarian technology kicked into high gear. On-screen, Toyohime held her hands out from her sides and called upon her abilities, providing the ETB with a suitable beacon.

Perhaps the pounding it had taken from Megas had jarred something loose... which wasn't unlikely, since the Guardsman's head had been repeatedly bludgeoned by its own arm... or maybe there was simply a high chaos factor involved. Either way, something was starting to go wrong. Kyla frantically manipulated the controls, becoming increasingly alarmed. "Why now? Why now, of all times?"

"What is it?" Yorihime asked worriedly.

"It's not picking you up!" Kyla yelled, urgency entering her voice when she realized that the mech's reactor was flickering more quickly. The rest of the lights in the cockpit blinked red, and an alarm started buzzing. "Something in the ETB has been disconnected! It's trying to grab a signal far beyond its projected range!"

The implications of this sunk quickly into the sisters' minds. "Kyla, clear out, **now!"** barked Yorihime, her fists tightening.

" **Yes, ma'am!** " The moon rabbit pulled an emergency lever, opening the back of the Guardsman's head and launching herself out of it in the same motion. The nearby barrier shimmered as she passed through it, reaching relative safety.

/-/-/-/

Kiva recognized the signs of a potential disaster well enough. "When that mech explodes, it'll catch us in the blast! Coop, get us out of here!"

Coop reacted with the reflexes of a seasoned gamer. Flipping Megas around, he gunned the engines and tore off towards Earth in a blaze of blue and orange, the acceleration pushing everyone into their seats.

Jamie was the first to notice what was happening. He thought at first that his vision was clouding up, but it turned out to be a bluish tinge creeping across the side windows and windshield. "Um, guys?"

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Is that this translocation thing they were going on about?"

"..."

They were still in Megas, they were travelling at high speed, and they were about to be teleported. The often-ignored laws of physics were about to get their sweet revenge.

"...Oh, boy..."

The blue light ensnared Megas, wrapping itself around the futuristic mech until it was fully enclosed. In a bright and wondrous flash that echoed the Guardsman's disproportionate explosion behind them, the stolen prototype vanished from Lunarian airspace.

/-/-/-/

"I am sorry, Lady Yorihime, Lady Toyohime. I realize that you wanted to indulge their curiosity, but- - -"

"Don't worry about it too much, Kyla." Toyohime sat down, helping herself to a peach. "It was partially our fault for asking that of you on the spur of the moment."

"In any event, while unintentional, the enemy has departed. While part of me believes that they don't have any designs on our home, for its sake I am still relieved that they opted not to stick around." The normally serious Yorihime winked at the nervous Lunar rabbit, dispelling some of her unease, and dismissed her.

"Something that bothers me a little is that other boundary manipulator that the ETB discovered," Toyohime told her sister once Kyla was out of earshot. "Is it who I think it is...?"

"Call it a hunch," Yorihime said, smiling enigmatically, "but I think our visitors are about to make things a bit problematic for our old adversary. My only regret is that we cannot be there to see for ourselves; finishing their repair work and recovering what is left of the Guardsman takes priority."

"..."

"I think I may have a snack after all, Toyohime. Pass one of those to me, please."

And so another day went by on the moon.


	2. Ch. 2: The Gensokyo the Outsiders Weren't Sure About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coop and the gang are introduced to Gensokyo and have a meetup with Alice. Sakuya mistakes Megas for something far more dangerous. A seed is planted that will sprout a few chapters from now, so to speak. And Flandre is afraid of thunderstorms.

Not for the first time, Patchouli stared up at the library's ceiling and breathed a sigh of relief that the chaos outside was finally over.

Remilia and Flandre both had been greatly unnerved by what was happening, although the Mansion's mistress hid her anxiety behind a facade of confidence. The fairy maids had been witnessed drawing straws to see who would be unfortunate enough to check the weather... with the loser, surprisingly, being the non-fairy _Sakuya._ Meiling relocated from the front gate to the foyer, wanting nothing to do with any of it; honestly, no one could blame her. Patchouli had been finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on her research, alternating between that and the odd card game with Koakuma.

But now, the terrible storms and inclement weather that had rocked Gensokyo had finally subsided. That meant that things could finally return to normal... at least, 'normal' for them. And for Patchouli, that meant the learning process and the tranquility that came with it.

The noisiness of glass shattering and a terrible crash reverberated throughout the library. Patchouli closed her eyes, suppressing the anger that was threatening to arise. _That didn't take her long._ "Marisa, how many times do I have to tell you?" she complained indignantly, starting to turn around. "If you want to visit the library, use the- - -"

But the person that had smashed into the library's floor wasn't Marisa. Patchouli floated back a bit in surprise, wondering if she was seeing things. _Is this... what is going on?_

Battered and looking as if she'd gotten on the wrong side of a certain super-sized oni, the unconscious Yukari wouldn't have been able to answer that question even if it had been spoken aloud. The laws of physics had claimed their next victim.

/-/-/-/

A long furrow stretched through the Forest of Magic, smashed trees and rocks littering the path on either side of it. Clusters of fairies and youkai alike dotted the area, wondering who or what had caused this level of damage. Their wonder and awe would increase as they completed their investigation...

At the end of the furrow was Megas, its systems temporarily down; the ETB-induced transit had been too much for it to take. Coop and the others were rattled, but whatever safety measure it was that had kept them alive through their adventures was still active.

"I can't tell much from here," Coop said as he looked up through the windshield, "but this doesn't look like no moon to me." He turned the ignition key, but was rewarded with silence.

"We must've ended up back on Earth somehow." Kiva tried to run an analysis of Megas's systems, but nothing was working yet. "Their teleporter must have suffered a malfunction during the fight. It's the only thing I can think of."

"So I guess that means we won't be finding out about those moon people, then?" was Jamie's question.

"Not unless you want to waste extra time by flying back there, no."

"Well, no big loss." Coop smiled as he continued trying to restart Megas. "It means we still have time to get back home for the movies." The smile became a grin as the engine finally kicked into gear; in the backseat, Kiva successfully manipulated the console to get a better read on the mech's condition. "There. That's how we do it!"

Megas hopped to its feet suddenly, startling the fairies that had gathered around it. A great number of them believed that the mighty robot was an antagonistic giant and fled, screaming in terror. Most of those youkai that had discovered the source of the furrow did the same, not wanting to pick a fight with something that big. Only a certain dollmaker remained, staying a safe distance away as she tried to determine who or _what_ this thing was that had disturbed her morning routine, and even she had to struggle to keep her "flight or fight" instincts at bay.

Kiva was the first to hear the terrified fairies, and she looked out the side window. "..." She blinked. "Did those children have _wings?_ "

"Winged kids?" asked the confused Coop. "C'mon, you're imagining things."

"If she is, Coop, then so am I." Jamie tapped the side window, indicating the view outside. "Check it out."

Megas turned a bit, allowing Coop to see what Jamie was talking about. There were no tall buildings to block their view. Aside from the damage they'd already done, there was nothing but beauty as far as the eye could see... a few mountains here and there, standing tall and resolute... a thick forest of bamboo off in the distance... a large mansion near a lake, some mist partially obscuring the structure... and trees everywhere they looked, with a few clearings here and there. The overall splendor of the area had no equal anyplace else on earth.

"It doesn't look that great to me," Coop complained, shaking his head.

Kiva didn't believe what she'd just heard. "What are you talking about? I haven't seen this sort of beauty in all my life. If there was anyplace like this in the future, it was gone _long_ before the Glorft arrived!"

"It can't be that great." As Coop spoke, Megas gestured at the surrounding area. "I don't see a convenience store anywhere. How am I supposed to get any meatball subs when all the good places are gone?"

Jamie smirked. "The world doesn't revolve around fast food, Coop- - -"

"It does to _me."_

"- - -and anyway, I wasn't talking about the forest. I was talking about _her."_

/-/-/-/

Alice floated up to shoulder height, still staying far enough away from the metal monster that she could react in case it turned out to be hostile. Her emotions shifted as she continued to observe it. She felt nervous, believing that if it were malevolent and showed no regard for the Spell Card rules, the chances of her holding it off weren't good (unless she tapped into her grimoire's full power, something that she preferred not to attempt). There was some anger when she remembered that the thing had barged rudely into the territory that she'd claimed for her own (although to be fair, it wasn't like she minded having an occasional visitor; she just preferred that they didn't bother her while they were present).

The nervousness and anger gave way to curiosity when the thing turned to look at her. _Is that really its head? It looks out of place. ... And are those... humans inside it? ...So if there are people in it, does that mean... that it's a golem of some kind? A giant puppet, and they're the ones holding the strings?_

A sweatdrop. _Wait... why are they looking at me like that? It's as if they..._ Deciding to take a risk, she floated closer so as to make herself heard. "What's wrong?" she asked, trying to keep a note of anxiety from entering her voice. "You're acting like you've never seen someone _fly_ before."

One of the windows on the head opened, and the black-jacketed male leaned out of it. "Um, last we checked, people _couldn't_ fly. Is gravity optional around here?"

Alice was starting to get a sneaking suspicion about them. "Answer this question, and I'll answer yours. Where are you three from?"

"Jersey City," the fat male answered, opening the other window. "Why?"

 _...That answers that. Outsiders, then; I've never heard of that city before._ "Well, if you came here hoping to see the sights, good for you. You may have a slight problem, though..."

"What could be worse than missing _The Rogue Wrestler?_ I've been waiting to watch it for weeks, we go up to the moon, and now here we are at who-knows-where!"

Any anxiety that Alice felt was gone, replaced by complete confusion. _...I guess we_ both _have some things to explain..._

/-/-/-/

"So, is she alright?"

Sakuya looked back into one of the Mansion's guest rooms, where the unconscious Yukari had been placed. Satisfied, she turned to face Patchouli and Remilia in the hallway. "She will be fine, as far as I can determine. I don't have much advanced medical training, so I don't know when she will wake up. Could be a matter of minutes... or, maybe hours."

Patchouli had no real feelings one way or the other for Yukari, but she knew that something capable of one-shotting the overseer posed a serious threat to Gensokyo. Judging from Remilia's thoughtful look, she figured her friend was thinking along similar lines. "So, what do you want us to do?"

"We'll need information." Remilia began pacing the floor. "And quickly. Sakuya, the responsible party is likely still in the vicinity of the Lake or the Forest of Magic. Find out what you can and tell us promptly about your discoveries. Try to keep whoever it is from seeing you; I don't want you to meet Yukari's fate, or worse."

"At once, my lady," Sakuya acknowledged, disappearing in a ripple of time.

"...Why can't she just walk out of the room like a _normal_ human?" Patchouli muttered, shaking her head.

Remilia smirked. "How many normal humans do we know?"

The number of full-blooded humans that the two of them personally knew in Gensokyo could be counted on one hand, and none of them met humanity's standards of normality. Patchouli shrugged and moved on. "Dismissing that for now, Remi, what about me?"

Stopping her pacing, Remilia stared down the long hallway. "Set whatever project you're working on to the side for now. I'll meet you in the library once Sakuya returns. I need to check on Flandre first."

Beat. "Any particular reason why, or is this just a social visit?"

"I want to be able to let her outside of her room more; you know that. It was a mistake for me to forget about her for half a millennium. I admit it." Remilia stared her best friend in the eyes. "But what with her control issues and general immaturity, allotting her additional freedom hasn't been an option... until now."

Patchouli regarded her concernedly. "Did the weather really scare her that much? I'll admit it was the worst that I've ever seen in all my life, but..."

-?-

 _"Accckkk!"_ A skull-splitting shriek, blaring from no more than a dozen feet away, caused Remilia to flinch as thunder, lightning and rain warred with each other outside. "Man your battle stations! Sound the alarm! I need five pastries on aisle five, _stat!"_

Remilia wondered where Flandre had picked up such odd terminology. It certainly wasn't her, and it couldn't have been the others... "Get out from under your bed!" she shouted, fists tightening at her sides. "Are you going to let some bad weather get the better of Flandre Scarlet? Get out from there, I say- - -"

A lightning flash that felt much closer to the Mansion than the others, followed by an explosive **BOOM** of thunder that caused the room to shake, and suddenly Remilia was much less inclined to chastise her sister. Deciding to follow her lead, she dived under the bed as well.

"Make way for the inspector general! Be arrogant, be elegant, be smart! _Brodny, to the sky!"_

"Flandre, stop your rambling and get your wing out of my eye!"

-?-

"That's probably an understatement," Remilia uttered dryly. "I think she'll be much more likely to focus on your lessons now. But that'll be for later." She walked off down the hall, the very picture of poise and dignity. "I'll see you shortly, Pache."

"Likewise."

Once Remilia was out of sight, Patchouli took one more look at Yukari and shut the door before flying back to her preferred sanctum. Her instincts told her that it was going to be a long and restless day.

/-/-/-/

Humming a tune, Reisen ventured forth from Eientei to sell Eirin's medicine. For the sake of an unimpeded flight, the lunar rabbit flew up and over the Bamboo Forest; at her speed, it wouldn't take too long to reach where she wanted to go. She was honestly interested to see how this business venture would turn out, overall lack of fondness of humanity notwithstanding.

None of the former moon residents had taken the news of the lunar explosion gracefully, so they were happy when they learned that the place was put back together. Reisen had considered getting into contact with her fellow rabbits back in the capital to get some news, but decided not to risk outing herself. Still, it would've been nice to learn what had transpired.

Before her thoughts could get much further on the matter, she glimpsed something that was terribly out of place in Gensokyo. She rubbed her eyes to make sure she wasn't imagining things, then took another look: yes, a giant robot was standing in the middle of the Forest of Magic. The Guardsman unit had been in use on the moon for a while even before she had run away, so she had no trouble recognizing a machine made for war.

She halted in mid-air, looking in the direction of the Human Village, then back at the robot. She lingered a few moments more as she considered what to do, then sighed reluctantly and flew on towards the Village. Information gathering could wait until she finished the task that Eirin had assigned her to carry out. If it was still there by the time she finished, she'd worry about it then.

Occupied by her thoughts on her upcoming job, Reisen didn't see Sakuya passing by in the distance.

/-/-/-/

_...Seriously, these people... Should I put up with them, or shouldn't I?_

Alice had dealt with outsiders several times since she first settled in Gensokyo. Even if they weren't put off by her hospitable-yet-cold attitude, they would draw the wrong conclusion from misinformation about youkai and quickly desire to make themselves scarce. _These people are not your average outsiders. Not at all._

Since both parties wanted to learn more, all of them had relocated to the clearing where Alice's home was located. The four of them now sat at the golem's feet (she felt that its controller would probably destroy her door frame if he tried to walk inside, hence why she didn't invite them in), enjoying some admittedly delicious drinks and exchanging information. She'd been cooped up indoors for too long, anyway.

 _The fact that they offered_ me _something to drink instead of the other way around is proof that they have no idea what life is like in this part of the world. Perhaps I should instruct them a bit before I send them off to the shrine maiden... Still, this "Orange Craze" is tasty. I'll give them that much._

The way Alice had understood the redheaded human- - - _Kiva,_ she corrected herself- - -the golem (the fat one, Coop, had been adamant about referring to it as "Magus" for some reason) had been stolen and altered to save the human race's future generations from an invading army. Various things went wrong, and not only did the golem end up in an incorrect time period but also in the hands of a pair of lazy slackers. _Hmm..._

Her disbelief only got worse when they described how they'd arrived here, and she very nearly had a conniption when she discovered that Coop had been responsible for the recent weather. It took all the control she had not to dispatch her dolls after them; they were speaking of this as casually as one would describe a mid-day stroll.

As Jamie had pointed out, though, if the invaders had their way then the entire planet would've been smashed to pieces. Knowing that someone out there would stoop to such an act _and_ had the means of backing up their threats was a very sobering thought, and it made the cataclysmic weather seem trifling by comparison. And at any rate, Coop _did_ at least try to put the moon back together... although judging from his tone, it must have been too much work for his liking.

On the conversation's flip side, telling them about the existence of magic had been more difficult. Coop outright refused to believe it ("Are you kidding me? I've seen movies with better plot than that"). Kiva was just as jaded, but at least gave a reason for her disbelief ("I'm sorry, but I've never put much stock in magic. It seems a little far out to me"). The discussion looked like it was going to go nowhere, when...

"I believe her."

Alice, Coop, and Kiva turned their heads towards Jamie. "Huh?" they chorused.

"Come _on,_ you guys. We've faced alien squids, a floating head with tiny arms and legs, a spider that wouldn't die, a planet killer, and a planet _monster._ We should be used to stuff like this by now. Even discounting that," and here Jamie raised his voice for emphasis, "this chick can flippin' _fly!_ I mean, how cool is that?"

A long moment of silence ensued as Coop and Kiva mulled this over, and as Alice tried to discern what Jamie meant by "this chick can flippin' fly". The temporally-displaced soldier was the first to come to the right conclusion. "Well, I suppose it would explain those winged children, at least..."

"The fairies," Alice supplied.

"...I dunno," Coop said, still hesitant to admit the existence of magic. "Can we see a demo of some kind? You know, something that doesn't involve pulling a rabbit out of a hat? Otherwise, it doesn't count."

Alice was struck with a mental image of her pulling that lunar rabbit they'd met out of Marisa's hat. Disregarding it, she remained silent for a few moments as she wondered what sort of demonstration to give them. _If Marisa was here, she'd probably just demonstrate her Master Spark or that laser attack she stole from the librarian. I need to show them something more elegant than that._

_...Where_ _**is** _ _Marisa, come to think of it? I thought she would've been eager to see this for herself._

/-/-/-/

Unlike Sakuya's last solo investigation, it didn't take her most of the day to find what she was looking for. Quickly locating where the trench began almost half a kilometer away from Misty Lake, she followed that trail to its end. From there, whatever it was had gotten up and walked off through the Forest, bent trees and immense square footprints marking its path.

Most of the fairies she saw didn't bother her, surprisingly; those that did were quickly dealt with. She wondered about their sudden cowardly streak; normally, "reckless" didn't even begin to describe them. _What could've spooked them so badly that they would forego their usual boldness?_

She neared the edge of a clearing that she remembered as belonging to the Seven-Colored Puppeteer. Sakuya heard four voices, recognizing one of them as Alice's but not knowing any of the others. Wanting to see them and not just hear them, she started to peek around the monstrous statue that was taking up a good deal of space...

Sakuya was intelligent and extremely capable, but even she had her moments of the exact opposite; it took a few seconds more before a feeling of wrongness settled in. Finally realizing that there was something to this statue, she looked up. ...And up.

...And up.

...And still up.

...

... _What... is... this...?_

...

"...something that doesn't involve pulling a rabbit out of a hat? Otherwise, it doesn't count."

The maid snapped back to reality as one of the strange voices spoke. There was a minor pause before Alice replied: "I guess I could do a Spell Card demonstration, if you don't mind taking control of... 'Magus' again."

_...This statue's a magus? An honest-to-goodness MAGUS? And it's under their command? Oh, dear..._

"Spell Card?" the unfamiliar female was heard asking. "What's that supposed to be?"

"The basis of how we settle disputes in Gensokyo, Miss Andru. Amongst other variations, one person creates a complex energy pattern that targets his or her opponent. The other person dodges and fires back as much as possible until the Card is broken, on the condition that getting hit at least three times results in a defeat. There's more to it, of course, but that's the gist of it."

"...So, it's like a game, then?" the deeper-voiced male asked. Another beat, then: " _Rock on!_ Now _that's_ something I can understand!"

 _Who are these people...?_ Sakuya tried to get a good view of the proceedings again, this time being able to see who the puppeteer was talking to without being noticed. The fat one _seemed_ harmless at first glance, but...

"Coop, don't forget that you wanted to watch those movies when you got home. I bet the first one's started by now."

_Strangely dressed... outsiders?_

"No prob, Jamie. Before we went to the moon, I went ahead and set up the VCR. If I miss 'em, it'll record 'em on its own."

 _...They were at the moon?..._ Sakuya paled as she heard this. _Were they the ones who...?_

"But you were making a big deal about missing them just a few minutes ago! Why'd you change your mind?"

'Coop' brushed off his reminder. "Don't get me wrong; I don't want to miss my films. But I'm not about to miss out on a fun game, neither."

"Like that containment cartridge that Grrkek was imprisoned in?" 'Miss Andru' dryly reminded him.

"Yeah, exactly. It would've been more fun if he wasn't so much of a game breaker."

"Coop, _you're_ the one who broke it."

"So?"

Sakuya felt that she had heard enough. She backtracked as quietly as possible to the point where the magus's footprints began, getting her thoughts in order. These people were too dangerous, and what was worse was that Alice had apparently allied herself with them for some reason. As much as she wanted to solve the problem at the source, however, her mistress's order was to keep from being seen by them; she had never disobeyed an order from her in all her years of servitude, and she wasn't about to start now. Jumping into the air, she arrowed back towards the Mansion as fast as she was capable.

/-/-/-/

_I can't believe this. I refuse to acknowledge it!_

The inside of Marisa's home was a complete mess even on the best of days. Today it looked even worse, if such a thing were possible.

_Terrific. What would Reimu and Alice think if they saw me now? Or Lady Mima, for that matter? Even Patchy's asthma would have nothing on her laughter. That's not how I'm going to go down in history!_

One of the windows had been destroyed, the glass smashed into a multitude of shards; unbeknownst to her, it was due to a stray branch that had been snapped off of a tree when Megas plowed through the Forest. The branch had hit one of Marisa's stolen books, knocking it over, and that in turn had provoked a series of small-scale disasters that ended with all the junk she'd accumulated falling on top of her. She'd never had any serious problems with it before, as difficult as it was to believe, so saying that she was both surprised and hurt by the occurrence would have been safe.

_How would that look in their minds? "Marisa Kirisame, the Ordinary Magician, brought low by kleptomania"? C'mon, not likely! I'd sooner call Yuuka a pansy than allow that to happen to me, ze! And I have, too. Why she took that as a compliment, I'll never know!_

Just a half meter away from her nose was her mini-hakkero, completely free of the junk around it. Struggling, Marisa tried to work her arms free of their entrapment. "C'mon, little by little. Work with me here..."

While she struggled, a gust of wind blew into the room through the shattered window. It disturbed the contents of a flask that had been broken during the mishap: a bluish-gray powdery mix created from the surrounding area's plethora of ingredients. As the air circulated, the powder swirled around a few times and drifted out the window deeper into the Forest...


	3. Ch. 3: The Gamer of Jersey City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coop works on getting the hang of danmaku during a practice duel with Alice. The Three Fairies meet PopTV. Other fairies might be giants. Yukari is lazy for the sake of laziness. And Patchouli is sent on a mission.

A relaxing breeze. Blue skies. A luminous flash of light. A great metallic hand swatting her aside, too fast to allow her to escape...

And oblivion's darkness.

Yukari's eyes fluttered open, and her conscious thoughts came back to her a moment later. The brief memories of that attack were vivid, and the thought of someone getting the drop on her like that disgusted her. She made a mental note to drop whatever it was that caused her impromptu nap into a volcano the next time she saw it. Or smack it around a bit and invite it to have some tea, depending on her mood.

Without getting up, she surveyed the room she was in. Judging from the decor, the fairy maid asleep near the door and the gigantic portrait of Remilia Scarlet that occupied the wall across from her, she didn't need to make any guesses as to her current whereabouts. Her favorite parasol was propped up next to the maid, undamaged. _Depending on how long I've been out, Ran must be pitching a fit right now looking for me. I wonder where they found me..._

Yukari raised one arm gingerly and beheld it, frowning at both that and her cap's absence. Quickly she assessed her overall condition. _...And why they even bothered with this haphazard treatment. Getting hit like that hurts, but having duelled Suika it's nothing I haven't experienced already. I just wasn't prepared for it, that's all._ She lowered the arm back under the blankets and pondered her next move.

_I_ could _just let myself out. There's nothing keeping me here, and a bit of boundary tweaking would make this pain negligible. The one responsible for this needs to be dealt with, too._ Another look at the snoozing fairy maid. _Still, maybe I should just rest and let the healing process handle itself for a change,_ she thought as she smiled. _After all, do I really need a reason to sleep? If there's a threat, they're strong enough to deal with it._

With that happy thought Yukari closed her eyes, pulled her blanket back up to her chin and willingly let unconsciousness reclaim her.

/-/-/-/-/

Staredown.

With the drinks finished and a decision made, both Alice and Megas had taken to the skies. The boosters on Megas's back flared brightly as the robot hovered over the trees. Both its pilot and the youkai in front of them locked determined stares, with Coop's tinged with excitement and Alice's completely calm.

_Let's see... most of my patterns as they are now are geared more for human-sized opponents. If I go with those, then the magus will be unable to dodge them all. ...Not that one, no..._ Alice's expression became more satisfied as she made her pick. _This one should do. That should leave them just enough space to thread the needle._

"I wonder what sort of attack she's going to use," Kiva was murmuring. "She told us she was a dollmaker, but what do dolls have to do with any of this?"

"I hope we find out soon." Jamie wondered for what felt like the twentieth time why they kept getting themselves into these situations. It was almost as if this robot attracted weirdness of its own initiative. "It feels like we're stepping deeper into 'Bizarro World' the longer we stay here."

"Alright, Alice," Coop declared, paying no mind to either of them; he was much more eager than they were, unsurprisingly. "I'm ready whenever you are. Bring it on!"

"And brought it shall become!" Alice shouted in response. A card with some sort of design on it- - -none of Megas's occupants could discern what it was- - -materialized in her hand. _"Darkness Sign: Foggy London Dolls!"_

Before Jamie or Coop could wonder what kind of name that was, the card vanished just as quickly as it appeared. The surrounding area faded from view, replaced by a dark red and black backdrop that none of the three really understood. A song that somehow straddled the line between ominous and cute began playing on the speakers- - -which were supposed to be _off_ \- - -and those up front spared a quick look at them in confusion.

Four blonde-haired dolls formed around Alice, spinning rapidly and rotating slowly around her. One by one, each doll fired a smattering of energy pellets... some pointed, and not much bigger than Coop's arm, and others orb-shaped and easily half the size of a full-grown person. The bullets swirled around the dolls and briefly formed a vague flower pattern before breaking apart and drifting towards Megas. Dozens upon dozens cut across the air, with more appearing as time went on until space itself became clogged.

"Whoa!" Coop tilted Megas onto its side, barely fitting through a thin space between some of the shots. He smacked a weapons panel; Megas's hands retracted into their respective limbs, and a half-dozen missiles fired from each cannon. That was all he had time for before he was forced to dodge sideways again; Jamie winced as two of the energy orbs brushed against Megas's fins without really hitting them.

The missiles that Megas fired homed in on Alice, but exploded just short of her. When the smoke cleared, the cause of this was revealed to be a bright red energy shield, a large triangle occupying the center of it. She smiled as the card continued to run its course. "You have the right idea, Coop, but you'll need persistence and patience if you're going to win a Spell Card match."

As if to drive the statement home, one of the pointed bullets hit Megas's left arm; the entire mech shuddered with the hit, the supposed damage far out of proportion to the bullet's size. The card's attack pattern vanished into thin air, granting Coop a brief respite, but it wasn't more than a second or two before said pattern took form once more.

"Well, then... you want persistence? Here's a plateful for ya!" Coop bit out, pressing and holding down the same panel he'd hit earlier while keeping his other hand on a joystick. Missile upon missile launched out of Megas's arms, each and every one of them flying true... only for Alice's shield to withstand them all. One of the missiles glanced off the side of the shield, making her flinch as it screamed past her ears and soared off harmlessly into the far reaches of the forest.

"Just how much damage does that shield of hers take?" Jamie wondered aloud, holding on tightly to his seat. He knew that the game was theoretically harmless, but he still didn't like getting involved in these things.

"It wouldn't be much of a duel if it folded after a few hits," Kiva pointed out, poring over a readout. "Although... from what I could tell, it doesn't look like we're running low on ammunition. The cache keeps reading as full."

"Sounds cool to me," Coop declared with a grin. He loved how that news sounded. Pressing his assault, he devoted his entire focus to passing Alice's demonstration. " _Radius,_ knock yourself out!"

/-/-/-/-/

Far enough away that Alice and Megas's duel didn't disturb them, a trio of fairies were fascinated by the odd trinkets that were lying on the ground.

The objects varied in shape and size, but they all had the same thing in common. They were decorated with a red circle and two curved lines on either side, plus four white lines- - -two of which were in the shape of a downward arrow. None of the Three Mischievous Fairies understood what they were supposed to mean.

"What sort of hard language is this?" Luna mused, holding one of the more metallic trinkets up to her eye for examination. Now that she was focusing on it, she could see some additional symbols beneath the circle, none of which made any sense to her.

"Maybe they're toys?" Sunny suggested, holding a vaguely oval-shaped ball in both hands. "They look like they could be thrown around a lot."

Star took Luna's trinket from her to examine it herself. "This would look very pretty if we hung it from a tree branch..."

"No, let's hang it inside our home." Sunny put the ball down and picked up a flat disc with a hole in the center. "We found these things ourselves. Do you want someone else to take them?"

Luna regarded the sheer number of objects that were lying at their feet. "There's a lot of things to carry just on our own."

"Why don't we just take what we can carry, then?" Star suggested, already cradling several of the trinkets in her arm. "There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah... guess you're right."

As they considered what to do, a strange whistling noise caught their attention. The three of them looked up... just in time as the stray missile spiraled on in, exploding dead-center in the pile of toys and catching the Three Fairies in the blast. Upon their regeneration, they completely forgot about what they had discovered and fled as far away as they could, scared.

Even in Gensokyo, PopTV just couldn't catch a break.

/-/-/-/-/

_The demonstration is serving its purpose,_ Alice decided. Having gotten the hang of things, it took little effort for the magus's controller to throw it past bullets and retaliate in kind. The spell card's built-in timer was almost in single digits, but she figured that a time-out wouldn't be an issue.

Alice was impressed at how quickly Coop had understood the idea. Judging from his size and personality, she hadn't thought at first that there was anything more to him than his clumsiness and oafish qualities. _I guess even the idiots of the world have some sort of specialty..._

With each successful hit, the puppeteer's shield grew smaller and smaller until it barely covered an area a little larger than her grimoire. One more missile streaked in and detonated against it...

...and with a sound akin to that of thunder, the spell card broke. The area's dark color scheme reverted back to the forested backdrop that she was used to. Her dolls and the remaining bullets disappeared, and the magus seemed to glow slightly in response. Alice herself felt a bit tired, but not so much so that she couldn't have continued the duel if she had been so inclined.

/-/-/-/

Surprised by the suddenness of the demonstration's conclusion, Coop raised his hand off the weapons panel and brought Megas to a stop. His attention was drawn to a blinking number on his dashboard: **3,025,880**. "...'New high score'?" he read aloud, smiling. "Nice."

"Could've been higher if you hadn't gotten hit," Jamie commented, happy that the bout was over. "Another... 200K, maybe?"

Kiva shut off her console and leaned back in her seat. "All things considered, I'm happy with how this turned out. This whole 'Spell Card' arrangement's more complicated than I gave it credit for."

Coop turned a bit to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, there's the endless ammunition, of course..."

A grin. "Oh, _yeah_."

"And that shield of hers was strong enough to withstand Megas's firepower for what, 40 seconds, give or take?" Kiva folded her arms and blew some stray hair out of her eyes. "It doesn't mesh with science too well, but I can still see its advantages. Reminds me of basic training, actually."

As Coop brought Megas back down to where it had been parked during their chat with Alice, Jamie stared out the window. "I doubt they had any heat-packing dollmakers a thousand years down the road."

"Wasn't quite my point, Jamie..."

"Ah, who cares?" Coop asked. "It was fun. That's what counts in a game, right?"

"Correct," Alice's voice spoke. The trio looked outside in time to see her land next to the car. "You sounded like you were enjoying yourself. So, have I convinced you yet?"

Coop thought about this for a bit. "I can roll with it, I guess. I mean, it's not like I'm going to use any of it myself." He patted the car's dashboard, smiling. "I've got all the magic I need right here."

"..." Alice slowly nodded. "Alright. Just so long as you understand. ...So- - -"

"Do people here have strange tastes in music?"

Alice did a double-take at that, her eyes curious as she regarded Jamie. "What are you talking about?"

"There was this creepy song playing during the demo. We knew we weren't playing any music, so... is it magic, or what?"

"...I-I don't know," Alice confessed. "I've never heard any music playing during a match before."

"Personally I wouldn't think about it too much," Kiva suggested, rolling her eyes. "Megas has been a walking nexus of chaos ever since Coop got his hands on it."

"Hey, now..."

"...Musings for another time. Thank you, Miss Andru." Alice cupped her chin and stared downwards, getting her thoughts in order. "Now, then..."

"'Now, then', what?" Coop asked after a few beats. "What else is there?"

"Nothing to do with the duels themselves. I'd intended to explain this before you made your disbelief known. It deals more with Gensokyo as a whole."

"With Gensokyo?" Kiva sat up, attentive.

"Yes, it does. More specifically, on how you're going to be able to leave."

Everyone's undivided attention was on the youkai now, not just Kiva's.

/-/-/-/-/

"...So, to summarize... a giant statue...that's also a magus?"

"That is correct, Miss Patchouli."

"...Under the control of three outsiders?"

"True indeed, my lady."

"Decorated in pretty flames?"

"...Yes, Lady Flandre."

The meeting in the Mansion's library had promptly begun when Sakuya returned. The maid quickly described what she had seen during her investigation, ending with a description of the statue and Alice's joining forces with the outsiders. Once the overall shock had worn off, everyone present had differing views on what to do.

Sakuya herself was all for subduing the outsiders and defeating Alice, or at least getting Reimu and Marisa to handle things. Once the controllers were taken care of, everyone could assumably destroy the statue at their leisure or else find another use for it.

Patchouli was more interested in figuring out how a statue, and one from outside Gensokyo at that, could be capable of using magic. She suggested that the controllers be convinced to visit the Mansion so that she could talk to them and take notes. Perhaps they could even be swayed to remain.

Remilia wanted to know if it could be possible to take control of the statue for herself. In case another incident required their involvement, it would be nice to have some extra power in their corner. Events could be swiftly settled without the need to exert themselves any more than what was really needed.

And Flandre?

"I wanna see it, I wanna see it, I wanna see it!"

...Her enthusiasm spoke for itself.

"Flandre, settle down," Remilia reprimanded her calmly, waiting until her sister sat back down before continuing. "With the sun out in force now, neither of us could go out to look for it if we wanted to. And you still need to learn to control yourself. With your enthusiasm, you might end up obliterating what we want to get."

"It's not like it's hard to miss," Patchouli said before Flandre could protest. "If it's as big as Sakuya described it as being, doubtless it would easily be visible to us if it approached the lake, mist or no mist."

"I wanna see it," Flandre insisted stubbornly. "I won't explode it, I promise! Please?"

About five seconds passed in silence before Remilia finally heaved a tired sigh. "Alright, you can see it." She held up a hand to stall Flandre's excited shout. "But you must take a parasol, you cannot crush anything, and you cannot go beyond the Mansion's gates. If you do either of those, you're going to have to go back downstairs for a while. Do you understand?"

_"Yayyy!"_ Flandre cheered, jumping out of her seat and running around the table a few times before making tracks for the door. "Outside, outside, outside...!"

"Sakuya, go with her and make sure she does what I asked," said Remilia, shaking her head. "Pache and I still have a few things to discuss. I'll join you in a few minutes."

"Of course, my lady." Sakuya turned away from the table, again disappearing via time manipulation.

"...So, what should our plan of action be?" Patchouli asked quietly. "I realize that you want the magus on our side, but that would mean disposing of the outsiders. We won't know how to control it unless we leave them alive, and I would much like to get the details from them anyway."

"..." Remilia was silent for a bit, one palm on her chin. Her eyes bored into the table as she considered their options. "...How's your health holding out today, Pache?"

Patchouli blinked in surprise, but she already had a reply on the way. "Well enough that I didn't start coughing at the topic shift. Why?"

"I have a strong hunch about this, but with Sakuya tasked with guarding Flandre I can't have her follow up on it. If you don't mind..." Remilia looked up, meeting her best friend's gaze. "Would you be willing to head out and take care of something for me?"

/-/-/-/-/

Carried by the wind, the strange powder that had been created at Marisa's home continued its leisurely path through the forest. There was a small crowd of fairies present, chattering amongst themselves about the great metal thing that they had seen. Most of them were still exhibiting fear, while others were starting to overcome said fear and considering launching an all-out attack against it.

The powder drifted down onto the fairies, sinking into their skin and clothes. Nothing happened at first, but slowly they felt themselves becoming bigger...

From the size of a human adolescent or shorter, they matched the mortal race's full height within ten seconds. They didn't stop there, surpassing any of the dwellings that they might have seen in the human village. Higher, higher and _still_ higher they went, the forest floor becoming increasingly crowded with each passing second, until there was barely any space for anyone to walk.

There was a great deal of surprise amongst them as they grew; this was such a change from their daily lives that they didn't know how to react at first. Some of the smaller trees and brush were shoved aside as the fairies pushed against each other, struggling for space. Even after they stopped growing, what had happened didn't fully sink in right away.

All it took was one fairy to notice that they were now nearly as big as the scary metal monster, though, and she voiced her discovery aloud. As word spread, their fear ceased to exist and was replaced by their typical uncaringness for their own mortality... or immortality, in this case. Laughing with glee, the entire contingent lifted into the air and flew off in search of their giant foe, the air trembling with each flap of their wings.

/-/-/-/

Having made some progress in freeing her right arm, Marisa strained to reach her mini-hakkero.

Not having the strength to pull herself out from under the multitude of junk and magical items she possessed, nor the mobility to reach behind her and pry her other arm loose, she'd had to make a tough decision. Normally she would've dismissed such a thought as stupid, saying that it happened to other people but not her, but she was left with no alternatives.

"Laser... is not... difficult..." she hissed through gritted teeth, trying to grab her most prized possession. It was so close she could _almost,_ but not quite, reach it... but she had not spent so much time trying to match Reimu to give up now.

/-/-/-/

Suika Ibuki sat on the Hakurei shrine's roof, took a swig from her gourd, and decided that today was going to be a good day.

There wasn't any more bad weather to be had. Reimu was busy for once, scouring the shrine grounds for any signs of damage; obviously she intended to have Suika handle whatever repairs that needed done. The oni didn't mind putting her strength to good use for someone like her; the shrine maiden's honesty was in part why she chose to stick around. And anyway, once everything was in order, perhaps Reimu would be in the mood to have a drink shared with her. Conversations held over sake were the most interesting ones of all.

Throughout the tempestuous storms, Suika had put her control over density to good use; the rainfall and wind in the shrine's vicinity were not as strong. The storage shed, the stone walkway and the grounds themselves had not been as fortunate, hence what Reimu was doing. _I wonder if whoever did this knew what they were getting into, causing another incident right on the heels of the last one..._ she thought, ignoring the fact that the same thing applied to herself.

From time to time, she thought she'd heard rumbling in the distance. She dismissed the noise almost immediately. The sky was virtually cloudless from what she could see. There was no reason to think that the rains would kick in again so soon after they had ended.

"Suika? Hey, Suika!"

_Aw, I was hoping she'd take a few more minutes. Oh, well!_ Suika poked her head over the edge of the roof, eyeing the impatient miko that was down below. "Yeah, Reimu?"

"Would you get down here? I have a task for you. Several, actually. I've figured out what we have and what we don't have, and I need you to get the things we _don't_ have..."

...

And so it was that Suika found herself ambling down the path towards the Human Village, a task sheet committed to her hazy memory. Wood and shingles for the shed. Some new stone blocks for the walkway... never mind that she could produce those herself if she needed to. ...

_...Wasn't there something else she wanted me to retrieve? Something to fix the shrine gate with? Or maybe some paint?..._ She paused as she tried to recall it, then smiled. _Eh, I'm sure she'll tell me if I forget. She's good that way._ She took another quick drink from her gourd, smiled good-naturedly at nothing in particular, and ran down the path with her arms stretched out to the sides.

All was right with Suika's world.

/-/-/-/

A giant robot car with three outsiders, accompanied by the Seven-Colored Puppeteer. A lunar rabbit selling medicine down at the village. A band of super-sized fairies out for vengeance. A perpetually drunken child-sized oni doing a friend a favor. An unhappy librarian, just now departing the Mansion on orders from a self-proclaimed descendant of Vlad Tepes.

Yukari probably would've had a good laugh at how this would turn out. And speaking of Yukari...

"Zz... zz... No, Mister Larson, I'm not afraid of ducks watching me..."

Wakefulness wouldn't be for a little while yet.


	4. Ch. 4: The Ultimate Short Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patchouli emulates Popeye. Giant fairies are stupid enough to think they can destroy Megas. And Suika turns one of Wimpy's phrases into a legitimate threat.

Patchouli cared about Remilia as a friend very much, but there were times when she felt like introducing her to knowledge by slamming her face in a dictionary.

_I could have handled doing research on magic-using golems or something similar... so why is Remi having me go out and play "Incident Resolution Specialist" in all but name? I'm not a field worker. I'm not even a_ house _worker... I'm just a shut-in librarian with far too much time on her hands._

"And all this moisture in the air makes me want to sneeze," Patchouli muttered to herself as she flew. Off to one side she could see the trench that marked the statue's arrival, damaged earth and trees everywhere. She ignored it for now, heading for the border of the Forest of Magic. "Needing to find this 'Kourindou' place, looking like Remi's personal errand runner, falling a rabbit short of the finish line..."

She knew of Kourindou, of course, having recalled the name being mentioned in connection with one of Sakuya's errands. Marisa had once spoken of its owner as well, a half-youkai who could discern the name and purpose of anything... even if he had no idea _how_ that purpose could be carried out.

It wasn't his knowledge that Remilia wanted her to get, though; it was his ability. If she at least had a name and an idea of what the statue was meant for, that would make determining how to handle this much easier in theory.

...But until she got there, she'd have to deal with all this leftover moisture from the storms. "The sun is out, and it's not alright," she continued to grouse. "Messing with my hair, making me feel that I have to find some shade..." She trembled a bit as the wind picked up. "I should've taken a parasol with me, too... or better yet, a blanket. I don't like this at all."

A strange noise was heard in the distance, and she frowned. "And worse yet, the fairies are active... now I have to fight my way between them and the shop." A smattering of colored dots appeared in the distance off to her right. _Hmm? The fairies are visible even from this distance? ...Something about this smells like sulfur..._

Wind pushed and tugged at her, slowing down her flight speed. "What's... this?..." Patchouli managed to utter aloud; the wind was coming from the direction of the fairies. Her eyes squeezed shut as she struggled not to be blown off-course...

The noise that she heard was much more audible now: it was cackling and giggling, very annoying, off-center and extremely _loud._ She forced open one eye, intent on at least making a pretense towards combat...

And almost choked. They were fairies, all right, but they looked as if they'd gotten some of the Ibuki oni's blood in their veins: they had to have been close to a dozen meters in height, _at least;_ they were raring to charge into battle, and they were heading _straight for her_. Still struggling against the wind, which was being whipped up by the furious beating of the fairies' wings, Patchouli grabbed a spell card and braced herself for the inevitable onslaught of danmaku. _This is going to sting..._

But the fairies flew past, not seeming to have noticed her. Their size, momentum and proximity- - -the closest one had brushed past scarcely a centimeter away- - -spun her like a top and disoriented her, but she wasn't harmed. Patchouli looked up at the departing fairies as she swerved dizzily, eyes swirling. ... _It didn't sting? They didn't attack? The vicious little whirlybirds don't want a piece of the One Week Wizard? ...Dizzyyyy, head's spinning, like a whirlypool that never ends..._

She stayed still for a bit, stabilizing her vision and her thoughts. Once she could think straight without her brain delving into non sequitors, she pondered what she'd just seen. "They must be so intent on their target that they disregard anything beneath their notice... and someone on the order of five feet tall qualifies," Patchouli mused aloud. "But how did they get so big? And what or who could they be going after?..."

Something at the edge of her vision tugged her eyes in that direction. She frowned; she might have been in overall poor health, but there was nothing wrong with her eyesight. Walking through the Forest (and making a mess of it) in an easterly direction was a speck of blue and orange... and if she wasn't mistaken, those were _flames_ painted on it. "What, indeed?"

A quick look at the distant fairies confirmed it; they were going after the statue. Giving a silent apology to Remilia, Patchouli turned in the direction the behemoth was walking in and flew off as fast as was permissible. Second-hand information was fine in some respects, but for a situation like this she wanted to learn the facts straight from the source.

/-/-/-/-/

Unknowing of the incoming flock, Coop and the others sedately journeyed eastward through Gensokyo to their final destination. Having faith in his recording equipment and being willing to put the movies aside until he returned, the obese gamer wasn't in any hurry to return home just yet.

Alice had volunteered to lead them and was now flying just a bit off to Megas's left side. "...So like I was saying," she was explaining, raising her voice to be heard over the noise the mech was generating as it walked, "Reimu Hakurei's your best bet to send you past the barrier. Gensokyo's overseer would have a much easier time of it, but no one really knows where she lives, and she usually sleeps during daylight anyway."

"Sounds like my kind of person," Jamie remarked.

Alice's head turned towards them. One of her eyebrows was halfway up her forehead. "How so? I haven't even told you anything about her. Most youkai are nocturnal, so..."

"People with lots of power have their own little quirks," the tagalong explained. "There's examples all over the place if you know where to look."

"And where were _you_ looking?" Coop wanted to know.

" _Z_ , the fifth episode in or so. Remember? The guy who created that computer virus thought that bacon was the highest form of life on earth."

"Fairy," Kiva remarked out of the blue.

" _Bacon,_ not fairy," Coop said. He smiled. "And I saw what he was getting at. Fry 'em to perfection, slather cheese sauce and mushrooms on them, stick them between two slices of bread---"

"Fairy," Kiva said again, this time a bit irritably.

"The fairies wouldn't like it if I did that." Coop shook his head. "Ask them to fry it, maybe, but- - -"

Alice, who didn't bother trying to figure out what they were talking about, looked around... _Dear sweet mother of Makai...!_ ...And went evasive, just as a colossal amount of spell fodder crashed headlong into Megas, forcing it to take part in impromptu deforestation as it went down.

"...Oh. _That_ fairy."

/-/-/-/

"Concentrate... my mind..."

/-/-/-/

The lead fairy sniggered happily, pleased that its first attack had worked, and raised its hands in front of it. A ring of danmaku took shape, and as she prepared to fire she let her triumphant thoughts block out everything else. _This is the big metal thing that scared me? What a joke!_

Before she could get much further, the giant raised one hand and shot it off, nailing the fairy square in the face. For all of its size, the mythical creature still had the comparative fragility of its race, and thus shattered into a cloud of defragmented glass; the danmaku she had been readying evaporated. The glass continued to break down, disappearing after a few seconds.

/-/-/-/

Coop wasn't given much time to question anyone as to what happened. Immediately after Megas's hand reappeared and the mech stood up, their vision became clouded with enormous fairies. In the air and on the ground, there were so many that not even Alice could see them all. They were roughly half of Megas's size, but they all had that unnerving childish glee that said in no uncertain terms: "We are going to annoy you until you _beg_ for mercy!"

It was a shame they didn't know what they were up against. The reactions would have been priceless.

"..." Jamie surveyed the crowd, unsure of how to respond. "...I don't know whether to laugh or cower."

"You'll probably end up doing both," Kiva remarked. "Look at them all! Where did all of these come from?"

Alice was looking between the fairies and her grimoire indecisively. "Hey, Alice!" Coop called to her. "Do those card rules apply to these things?"

"Not unless they ask for it," she answered. "Do what you want with them."

"Just what I wanted to hear." Coop glared at the fairies. "Showtime, kids!" Putting the pedal to the metal, he drove Megas straight at the nearest pair of oversized shrimps, who in turn rushed to meet him in combat.

/-/-/-/

It was probably one of the most ridiculous and one-sided combat affairs that Alice had ever witnessed. For a while the magus didn't even bother to use any danmaku, its controller opting for melee combat.

Faintly audible over the noise of combat was a song, at least one of the instruments used being unrecognizable to her. To her ears it sounded harsh, completely unlike what she was used to (not that she had heard much), but she had to admit it fit the pace of the combat. She wouldn't be inquiring about it anytime soon, though; it was interesting, but not _that_ interesting. _At least now I know that Jamie wasn't lying to me about the music._

The first pair of fairies were downed when Coop slammed their heads together with enough force to drop them in a dazed heap to the ground, where they disintegrated a second later. Another one tried to blast the magus with an onslaught of bullets, but they were dodged altogether; instead, they hit a different fairy who was trying to get the drop on it from behind. Yet another fairy was used as a stepping stone for the magus to get some height, driving a target into the ground with an elbow drop.

A punt here. A clothesline there. Nabbing a large bullet and slinging it back at the one who threw it. Flinging a fairy away with an over-the-shoulder throw, and then grabbing another and giving it a good long spin before launching it into the sky.

Alice was not so intent on watching the fight that she missed the shadow that covered her. Without turning around, she summoned a squad of eight dolls and had them blanket the air behind her head with lasers and danmaku. She didn't need her eyes to know that what she had hit was one of the giant fairies, or that the startled creature temporarily snapped out of existence after prolonged fire. _Not one of the greater ones, then. Those take a substantial amount of damage already..._

The disappearance of that opponent had not gone unnoticed. Three of the closest fairies turned their attention towards Alice, seeing the little blue-and-white speck that had dared to strike one of them down. Yelling, they brought their hands towards her and peppered the air with spherical danmaku. Each bullet that normally would've been half her size had been magnified to colossal proportions, and even as she started to go evasive she knew that dodging all of them would be a chore...

_"Sun Sign: Royal Flare!"_

The air shined brightly, and the vicinity became filled with fire and sunlight. Alice cried out in surprise and shielded her eyes... but whoever was responsible wasn't attacking her. Instead, the blazing fury wiped that portion of the battlefield clean, extinguishing bullets and subjecting her attackers to its full power. By the time the light dimmed enough for her to see again, all three fairies had gone the way of their companion.

Alice swept her eyes across the air, finally spotting a familiar face to her left. Patchouli was floating there, panting a little from the exertion of using one of her strongest spell cards. "...Patchouli? What are you doing out here?"

The librarian turned to where the magus was still engaged in combat; a sword of fire had appeared in its hands and was now being used to thin the fairy horde. "Playing a game by request," she said after a moment. "It's not a very fun one. Do you know who is responsible for those fairies, or what that thing over there is supposed to be?"

/-/-/-/

The skinny mustached human, some salve and medicine in his hands, gruffly gave Reisen his thanks and walked off. With no other customers nearby, she stood back a moment and took a quick look at what she had left, which wasn't much.

For all that she looked like just another youkai, the humans had effectively swarmed her when she made it known that she was selling medicine. The dreadful weather had damaged roughly half of the village- - -including the residence of one "Child of Miare"- - -and caused more than a few injuries, and the residents weren't picky about who they wanted recovery aids from. There were even a few minor youkai who had crept into the crowd and took medicine meant specifically for them, claiming that the loss of their own homes had left them at the mercy of the elements.

Reisen wasn't wholly comfortable around humans, and vice versa, but for Eirin and Kaguya's sake she supposed she could put up with them. She stood patiently, waiting for another customer to approach and ask what was left...

"Arrrghh! _Look out, rabbit!"_

"Eh...?" The curious Reisen turned to see what was wrong... and was hit by a whole mess of debris as one of the fairies that Megas had thrown crashed into a nearby abandoned house, utterly shattering it. The fairy made its fade-out almost as soon as it hit, but the damage had already been done.

Some of the braver humans that had seen what had happened rushed forward and carefully pulled the debris off of Reisen. The moon rabbit staggered and stood up, surprised and scratched but otherwise fine; the decades of dealing with Tewi's mischievous nature had unexpected benefits. "What... was _that?"_ she exclaimed, eyes wide.

"If I didn't know better," a muscular farmer muttered in bemusement, "I'd say it was a fairy that ate too much of my grandma's cooking."

"Or one that ate too much of my daughter's," Reisen's last customer quipped. "If I didn't know better, I'd say she was the one behind this..." He shook his head after a second. "Mm... nah. Not likely."

Several of those that had helped her ran off while the rest lingered and kept their eyes open for any more large fairies, talking amongst themselves. Reisen herself didn't stick around; she had an idea as to why that fairy had landed there, and she fully expected that robot she'd seen earlier to have something to do with it. Grabbing her miraculously undamaged pack and medicine, she proceeded to close up shop.

/-/-/-/-/

At the same time that Reisen was finishing her work in the village, someone else was getting ready to take action.

The thunder, strange metallic wheezing, and fairy cries had been growing louder for a while now. Not too far from the village (as far as she knew), Suika's sake-addled mind worked to determine what the cause of them was. The trees around her had become wrecked, snapped apart and leaving little but stumps and broken limbs behind. Every now and then she caught glimpes of blue and orange amidst the remaining plant life, amongst other colors. Square footprints criss-crossed the path in places where the ground hadn't yet dried up from the rain.

Suika's eyes brightened. _Someone's fighting here. Someone mighty. Could it be...?_ She raised her head, shielding her eyes from the sun, and frowned as she discovered who the combatants were. _Shame... it's not an oni. I was hoping one of them would come out by now..._ Smiling, she cracked her knuckles. _But if they're loaded with brawn, maybe they'd be up for a challenge. I wouldn't be adverse to that..._

She raised her gourd to her lips and took another good, long drink of the sake within. _But first, to victory...!_

There hadn't been any warning, and it happened so fast that she didn't realize what had happened. There was a panicked yell as something unwillingly grazed past her, snapping her gourd's chain and sending the treasure spinning off somewhere; this was accompanied by a burst of wind that made her hair fly every which way. A sharp snap was heard as the victim disintegrated, but Suika didn't see it or pay the noise much mind.

"Ehhhh?..."

She thought for sure her gourd had been in her hand a second ago. _Did I drop it?..._ A quick survey of the ground revealed that no, she didn't. _Where did it go? Did someone want a drink without asking me first? Maybe Yukari? Wouldn't surprise me if she did..._ She looked around, but saw only the nearby forms of the iron-clad titan and the fairies. The empty air had no answers to her question, and of her favorite possession there was no sign.

_No, I didn't drop it. I'm not that clumsy. It couldn't have disappeared into thin air, either. Someone had to have swiped it from me... it's the only thing that makes sense. That someone is going to pay the price for stealing from an oni..._ Suika's stare lingered on the metal giant, eyes narrowing as it got up from a dropkick it had delivered. _And it looks like someone just got volunteered._

She turned off of the path, walking slowly and with purpose towards the smackdown that was in its final stages.

/-/-/-/

"...Tenderly whisper the spell... into the mini-hakkero..."

/-/-/-/

A puppeteer and a librarian hovered side by side, watching Coop cut the last of the fairies down to size. There were only around ten or so left, and the two youkai were starting to get the feeling that he was used to fighting against uneven odds.

Down below them, the first of the fairies that the magus had pulverized had fully regenerated. It was dazed and just a little bit frightened, but most importantly it was no longer the gigantic being that it was before. Whimpering, wondering what had happened and wanting to reach some semblance of safety, the fairy tottered off and flew away.

Neither of the two youkai paid her any mind. "It's like watching Flandre at play," Patchouli murmured as two of the fairies met their end by a spinning piledriver, with one being crashed into another. "My experiences with humans on the whole are limited, but I've never heard of anyone his age being this rambunctious."

"It's probably just as well that they don't want to stay," Alice returned. A flurry of missiles surged from Megas's legs towards the remaining fairies; several of them missed and went on to create a few sizeable craters a hundred meters away, while the rest disintegrated the unruly mob. "The collateral damage is absolutely atrocious. If they remained, there wouldn't be a safe corner left in Gensokyo." She frowned. "I never thought I'd say this, but where on earth is Yukari?"

"Injured and unconscious in one of our guest rooms. I don't know if she has woken up yet."

"...That puts a whole new spin on things. If we'd known about this sooner, we could've just flown there and woken her up instead of heading up the mountain towards the shrine."

Patchouli shrugged minutely. "I don't think her present condition is very well known. Don't concern yourself with it."

It was then that they noticed that the battlefield had fallen silent. The acres surrounding them were an utter mess; everything in a one and a half kilometer radius had been effectively decimated, and they could discern the outline of the village outskirts in the distance. The two of them exchanged a look, then drifted towards the magus. Every now and then they could hear the confused murmurings of fairies that had finished their regeneration, and they both were relieved to note that whatever had caused their growth had been reversed by their innate immortality. At least _something_ good had come of this.

/-/-/-/

For the second time that day, Megas dusted off its hands. The brawl was over, and there was neither hide nor hair of their attackers that they could tell. For all of their bluster, none of them had come close to doing any serious damage; there had been a few close calls whenever they were able to get any shots off, but the modified prototype had been able to stay the course. All in all, it was no different from the first time Megas had butted heads with the Glorft.

"Well, that was a blast." Coop opened a compartment next to his seat and withdrew a Big Glug, drinking from it heartily.

"Goes without saying," Jamie said, gesturing at the ruined landscape. In the distance, several halfway-damaged trees splintered and toppled over. "So, who else are we going to meet today? Living phantoms? Talking cats? Tofu enthusiasts?"

"Perish the thought," Coop replied, grimacing as he set the Big Glug down. "What sort of nut enjoys tofu, anyway?"

-?-

Elsewhere in Gensokyo, growing increasingly concerned that she hadn't located her master yet, Ran wondered why she suddenly felt the urge to defend her snack preferences.

-?-

"Fake food aside, if we're finished demolishing this side of Gensokyo," Kiva uttered just a bit bitingly, "we really ought to get to the shrine. And could we fly this time instead of kicking aside everything in your way?"

"Hold up a sec." Jamie sat up, checking something in the rearview mirror. "Doll designer and flying zombie in pajamas at six o'clock."

When they turned to look, they could see that Jamie's assessment was pretty accurate; the girl that was with Alice didn't quite look like one of the undead, but she had the face of someone who was both annoyed with life and hadn't seen the sun in weeks, possibly months.

Alice stopped a few meters away, but the "zombie" flew right up to Megas's head and tapped on the glass. Obligingly, Coop rolled down the window. "Yeah? What is it? We've got someplace we've gotta be."

"Forgive me," the girl said, her voice quiet but firm. She leaned on the car door as she spoke. "...But I would like to ask you about this... _thing_ you're controlling. I've heard some details from several sources, but it seems my information was in error."

"We were just on our way to the Hakurei shrine, but if you'd like we can talk on the way," Kiva offered, making a bit of room in the back seat just in case.

The girl didn't look too sure. "You want me... to sit in this thing? Please. I'm not that foolish."

"I'll have you know I'm a perfectly safe driver," Coop defended himself. "Sure, I've had a few close calls, but it's always been the other guy's fault."

Jamie smiled. "That's usually how it works, isn't it?"

Kiva gave the girl a once-over, concerned. "Are you sure you should be flying out there? You don't look too well."

"I've been better," the girl admitted, starting to look a bit unsure, "but I'll manage. I'm used to- - -"

A child's voice from down below cut her off. "Heyyyyyy..."

Something hit the side of Megas's left foot, illicting shouts of surprise from Coop and the others; the vehicle shook and almost tumbled. The girl, who had still been leaning against the door, jerked forward a bit too far; she fell through the open window and behind the front seat, a nonsensical exclamation escaping her as she landed.

"What was that?" Jamie shouted, alarmed. "Where'd that come from? I thought there weren't any more of those things out there!"

As Coop brought Megas back under control, the childish call repeated itself. After the mech turned enough for him to survey the sides, he discovered the likely culprit... and it wasn't like anything he'd expected it to be. "A kid?"

"A _kid_?" Jamie and Kiva echoed.

"Yeah. It's this little kid with pointed hair," Coop confirmed, gesturing at the side of his head to indicate the possible length.

Kiva barely heard Alice's quietly muttered "uh-oh" over the engines. "I have a bad feeling about this," the redhead spoke with a frown.

"Heyyy..." The child called up to them, her voice this side of slurred. "Whatcha take my gourd for? Gimme it baccck."

"...A gourd?" Jamie asked, peering outside with bemusement. "What does a gourd have to do with anything?"

"You got the wrong person, kid!" Coop shouted back down. "I'm just passing through here on my way to Jersey City. I'm not looking for trouble."

The child hiccupped. "Don'tcha lie to me, big guy. I know you did somethin' with it. Let me have it and I won't crack your toy like an egg."

"Play it safe, Coop," Alice tried to warn him. "Don't do anything to antagonize her. That raw strength of hers is nothing to laugh at!"

"Play it safe, how?" Coop protested. "I don't have whatever this gourd thing is, and I don't want to stand here all day arguing with her. If it means taking her down a few pegs to get her to stop, then she's more than welcome to try!"

The response he got was another hit, this time to Megas's torso. The prototype skidded backwards and fell, crushing some tree stumps beneath it and accidentally smacking aside some fairies that had just gotten done regenerating; Alice just barely avoided the same fate.

As the group regathered themselves Megas propped itself up on its arms, only to stare up at a dangerous sight: the little child that had threatened them had shot upwards in height, easily equal to Megas even without the horns that grew out the sides of her head. She smirked almost lazily down at them. "Don't wanna give back my drinky-drink? It's a fight you're hankering for, huhhh?"

The girl who'd fallen inside the car groaned as she tried to sit upright, but the trio's attention was locked on the imposing figure before them. "You want to surpass an oni?" she continued a bit more coherently, leering at them. She smacked one fist into her hand, the air around it shimmering. "You're interested in a fight? Fine with me. _Let's you and me fight._ "


	5. Onigashima in the Fairyland ~ Missing Excuse Plot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megas Vs. Suika, with Patchouli along for the ride. What the story's all about, when you get right down to it.

_Never again._ _Never. Ever._

Patchouli turned over, finally getting her feet beneath her, and tried to stand up. She didn't get far, the low roof over her head stopping her, and she was pressed down into a cushioned seat by the redheaded human. She tried to reach out the window, only to find glass instead of open air. Her eyes widened when she realized that her decision had been made for her, and she facepalmed heavily. "This clinches it," she groused. "I am never leaving the Mansion again for anything short of an earthquake."

"You may want to strap in," the redhead told her brusquely as the magus got to its feet. "Things are about to get a little rough."

"..." Patchouli looked outside, flinching when she saw Suika's eager face. "Wondrous. Wait. 'Strap in'?... never mind. I see what you mean," she said, noticing the belt next to her. She tugged at it experimentally a few times until the redhead helped her click it into place.

"Alice was telling us earlier about Spell Card duels," the skinnier of the two males- - -'Jamie', from what she remembered of Alice's explanation- - -was saying, nervously watching Suika rotate her arms a bit, "and she mentioned that there were 'variations'. Do any of them involve getting danced on by a steer?"

The librarian glimpsed the various devices that layered the front of the chamber. Nothing she saw made any sense at all. _I've gotten in way over my head with this..._ "Well, one of them _does_ involve fighting back however you please and using your more dangerous attacks as they become available..." A frown as 'Coop' turned towards her and smiled, acting like that was the best thing to happen to him all day. "I _really_ think you're overestimating your chances at victory, outsiders."

"Hey, leave me out of this," Jamie was quick to protest...

Tense music began to play from out of nowhere; it was possessed of a quick tempo and a sense of danger, and it seemed to Patchouli to be something that she had felt before. Disregarding it, Coop shrugged. "Never know until we try." He faced out the windshield at Suika, locking glares with her. "We don't have much choice, anyway. The sooner we win, the sooner we can go home. Let's rumble!"

A loud roar accompanied by an eruption of cyan flames, and Coop's toy took to the skies. Suika jumped after it, fist already wound up, and swung. The attack was blocked by the magus's own gigantic hand; when the two collided, a brief shockwave pushed the air away. A quick missile volley from the wrists was swiftly countered by a large fireball, making the weapons explode prematurely. From there two streaks raced around the sky as one tried to catch the other, the pursuer's role repeatedly changing hands.

Patchouli hunkered down in her seat, hands gripping the material she was sitting on, and tried not to panic. It was one thing to be dodging danmaku on your own merit, but another to be hanging on to something that was doing it for you. This was much faster and more jarring than what she was used to. "What a horrible day to have a nightmare!"

"Who says reality is stranger than fiction?!" Jamie shouted back, sounding no less frightened. "This is one novel I'm not going to buy!"

Kiva shook her head and smiled. "Amateurs."

/-/-/-/-/

An eye twitched once, and then again. The both of them surveyed the extent of the damage to Gensokyo. They took in the wrecked trees that were even now slowly recovering, thanks in part to the presence of those fairies that were left. They wandered near the footprints that pointed in the shrine's direction before abruptly cutting off partway there. They looked up towards the horizon, where her oni friend and the massive blue figure were blasting away at each other and slowly circling in the direction of Misty Lake.

Something had been bothering her since Suika had left. She couldn't quite put her finger on it at the time, but now that she'd seen the ruination and her friend's opponent, she knew that she couldn't let something like this stand. If Gensokyo was to be restored, the outsiders had to leave. _Now_. She didn't know what Yukari was thinking when she let them in, and it didn't matter to her.

She knew that Alice and the moon rabbit- - -the latter having arrived just a few moments ago, carrying a mostly empty pack- - -were close by. She didn't care what they did, or whether they followed her, just so long as they stayed out of her way. It seemed like they had an inkling of the situation regardless, so there was no need to explain things to them.

With resolve and anger in her heart, Reimu lifted off and made tracks for the Lake.

/-/-/-/-/

"There it is. They must've gotten on the wrong side of the oni. A pity."

"So it would seem, my Lady."

"..." Sip.

Once they had actually made it outside with their parasols, Flandre's excitement had dimmed some; she recognized the danger the sun presented, so she stayed still and watched out the gate with the others. The metal giant and Suika, both visible through the Lake's ever-present mist- - -still minimal, considering it was morning- - -exchanged danmaku bursts and traded blows with fists and feet.

"Sakuya? My lady? Young mistress?" Meiling's voice called nervously from the gate. "I really don't think it's safe out here."

"We'll be fine, Meiling," Remilia called back. "Just stay at your post for as long as you can."

"...I don't know," Meiling admitted. "I feel like a bug that's about to be stepped on! I mean, just look at the size of them!"

"...Sakuya," Remilia said with a smile, glancing at the head maid, "make a note to visit that curiosity shop later and check for any manga from the outside world."

"Certainly, my Lady." Sakuya returned the smile, knowing what her intent was.

Sure enough... "I will stand strong until there is nothing left I can give!" Meiling shouted, her voice and posture clear evidence of her renewed determination. "None shall pass!"

Remilia's smile widened a fraction. "You have to know what motivates certain people to get the job done," she muttered to no one in particular.

"..."

In the distance, the metal giant clapped its hands together. A blast of air and energy swept across the lake, blowing away the mist temporarily and giving everyone present a clear view of the fight.

Suika was caught in the shockwave, but she rode it out and swung her right arm quickly. Danmaku gathered around it and condensed together, forming a huge boulder, and was consequently thrown at the giant; the controllers must not have had much experience in dealing with an attack of that type, for the statue raised its hands to try and catch it. The boulder slammed into it regardless, the raw power launching it over the lake and into the far shoreline before breaking apart.

Seizing a chance to follow up on her strike, Suika collected additional danmaku together for her next attack. The statue recovered quickly, though, and stormed back forward; timing it for when the boulder was thrown, the giant shifted far to the left and allowed the rock to sail by. Getting in close enough, it decked Suika with an uppercut possessing enough force to lift her into the air, then flew up and spin-kicked her into the lake. Waves of water were jettisoned in all directions, one of those waves propelling a certain startled ice fairy straight into the outer wall next to Meiling.

The oni, as was par for her kind, shrugged off the assault for the most part and went airborne once more. She paid no attention to how cold the lake had been, caring only for the conflict she was engaged in. "You've got guts, big guy," Suika shouted, her voice reaching the observers. "And I'll give you credit for strength. I actually felt that one!"

The statue's controller shouted back, but he was too far away for them to hear. Sakuya directed her attention to Remilia. "It's probably just me, but her voice seems rather... clear."

"...She likely hasn't had as much to drink," her mistress mused aloud. "Whether it has something to do with taking it easy on her challenger or not, I don't know."

"Ha ha ha ha!" Suika cackled in response to her opponent. "Confident, ain'tcha? You still have a ways to go before you can even _think_ of calling yourself 'the champ'!" She held out her hands, spewing small and large danmaku alike and forcing the statue to dodge.

"I'm happy that I stayed up for this," Remilia admitted, the empty cup in her hands half-forgotten. "Yukari doesn't know what she's missing."

Sakuya nodded. "Maybe, my Lady." She stole a glance at Flandre. "How about you, young mistress? What do you think?"

"..."

A puzzled frown. "Young mistress? Is something wrong?"

Flandre took a long sip from her cup, finishing the last of her cocoa, and stared at the battling titans with a subdued enthusiasm. "Cooolll."

Neither of the two knew how to respond to that calm utterance. In the end they both decided to just keep their mouths closed and watch the fight. The younger sister's increasingly odd traits could be considered another time.

/-/-/-/

In the Mansion's guest room, the fairy maid that was supposed to be keeping watch over Yukari stirred; she hadn't meant to doze off, but with the way things were... well, things had just happened. Yawning cutely, she looked over at the bed to see if the youkai was still there.

Yukari was still asleep, not having budged from the bed. The maid was curious about her, wondering why she was sleeping when she had been hurt. _Wouldn't that have kept her awake? Wouldn't she have wanted to wait to sleep until she felt better?_

The green-garbed maid, as was the norm for fairies, was not particularly bright or useful; her fellow staffers had sometimes commented that she made even _them_ look smart. She was bright enough to know when to ask questions, though, and she decided that she wanted answers. She hovered over to the bed and tapped Yukari's shoulder. "Hello? Funny border lady? Wake up."

"Mmmmff... not now, Ran," Yukari mumbled, turning away from the fairy in her sleep. "Just five more hours, please..."

The maid didn't understand why the youkai called her 'Ran' when her name was 'Get That Blasted Fairy Out Of The Kitchen!', or why she wanted to sleep some more. _Maybe she needs something to drink. They always use it on_ me _when I need to wake up, after all._ Smiling at this stroke of brilliance, she hurried out of the guest room.

A few minutes later, she returned with a pitcher of water held with both hands. _This should be enough. There's nothing nicer than a glass of water._

Of course, the fairy had neglected to remember several things. One, a pitcher was not a suitable drinking glass; and two, most people did _not_ like to have water dumped on them without warning. Or at all.

Yukari sputtered and coughed, jolted awake by the application of cold water to her face and neck. She wiped off her face with her sleeve, wincing at the ache that was still present in her arm, and turned over to look at the culprit.

"Miss border lady?" the beaming fairy asked, unperturbed by the overseer's glare. "Why were you sleeping when you were hurt? I thought being awake meant that you would know to be careful. And I hope the water helped. Were you thirsty? I can get more if you want..."

Yukari ignored the questions, feeling a simmering anger as her conscious mind caught up with the rest of the world. Reluctantly getting out of bed, she walked slowly towards the inquisitive fairy maid.

...

In the Mansion's halls, several other maids looked up from their duties as the bane of their workforce frantically fled the guest room, screaming for _someone_ to save her from the scary eyeball gap lady. When no one came charging out after her, the maids shrugged at each other, dismissed what they'd seen and returned to work.

/-/-/-/-/-/

For all that she was angry deep down at her gourd's disappearance, Suika was still thrilled. She'd been listening to what the humans were saying even as she fought, and she'd gotten a rough picture of who they were. Most of it she didn't understand, but the fact that they were outsiders- - -outsiders with a violent toy- - -was plain and clear.

_And it can give as well as it takes,_ she thought as she used the chains that hung from her wrists as bludgeons. The first three swings struck their strange machine, denting and rattling it. The fourth... not so much, as her chain was caught long enough for her to receive a point-blank missile barrage. _Definitely made for the sole purpose of fighting. Shame it can't drink; we could've gotten along great._

A frown as Suika floated backwards out of easy thrashing range, smoke and fire wafting off of her body. As she smothered the latter, she ascertained how much energy she had remaining and decided that it was time for her second Spell Card. _I'll need to finish this soon, if possible... my thoughts are becoming easier to understand. Little miscreants, thinking they can hide my sake from me? How dense can you get? ..._ A wicked grin. _Let's find out!_

/-/-/-/-/

The battle had been hectic thus far, leaving little room for discussion amongst the trio and their unwilling passenger. Attacks, defenses, and flight were executed as quickly as both combatants thought to do so, putting Coop's reflexes and Megas's limits to the test; more than once the prototype had gotten rocked, showing that Suika hit as hard as any opponent that had been faced up to that point, if not harder. Finally after Coop was able to stop one of her chain strikes, there was enough time for both sides to catch their breath.

Kiva stayed busy, ascertaining Megas's condition from the readouts she received. "On the plus side, it's not getting _damaged,_ per se. But with each bar that blanks out, Megas's overall energy level drops."

Coop downed the rest of his Big Glug. "How many are left, Kiva?"

"About three and half bars out of the six we started with. If it hits zero," Kiva warned, "we'll be left at her mercy, if she even has any."

"Can't have that." Coop stared thoughtfully at the dashboard, considering what to use next. "Hmm..."

Their pale-faced passenger was hanging on tightly to the back seat, terrified. "I am going... to see that... in my dreams..." she managed to say, coughing as her breath ran away from her momentarily. "How... do you people... put up with this?..."

Jamie knew what she was thinking, having been with Coop and Megas (often against his desires or better judgment) since the beginning. "Practice," he said. "Lots and lots of practice."

"Practice?" Kiva scoffed. "You?"

"Hey, it takes a lot of work to sit around and do nothing. Eventually, you start ignoring most everything."

It was clear Kiva didn't believe him. "Is _that_ why your eyes were squeezed shut each time she attacked?"

"It sure wasn't because I was tired," Jamie denied.

This didn't reassure their guest any; if anything, it was _very_ discouraging to her. Patchouli made as if she wanted to unbuckle her seat belt and escape from the car, but paused. The sight of Suika's dangerous smile and the pulling of a Spell Card made her eyes widen, and she tried to warn them. "Trouble on the way!"

Too late.

_"Breath: Small Oni Inhales Deeply!"_

/-/-/-/

"...And when I aim at someone I don't like..."

/-/-/-/

Except for Patchouli, none of the four knew about Suika's control over density; if they had, they... or at the very least, Kiva...would have realized that creating a black hole was within her range of control.

The hole that manifested was around two-thirds the size of the combatants and began pulling in almost everything nearby, including danmaku that hadn't been there a few moments prior; only its creator was immune to its effects. Megas was slowly being tugged towards it as well; when Coop experimentally fired some energy pulses at Suika, those were pulled into the black hole with no reaction on the oni's part.

Alarms in Megas started buzzing, and the displays flickered red. "It's pulling us in," Kiva barked. "Coop, get us away _now!"_

With effort, Coop flipped Megas around and gunned the engines, ignoring the surprised grunts of Jamie and Patchouli as all of them were pressed into their seats. This maneuver was slow to work, but work it did, and Megas dragged itself away from the event horizon. What danmaku that grazed it did little to deter it.

At the Mansion, Meiling grabbed onto the Mansion's gates and held on tight, snagging a struggling and protesting Cirno as an afterthought. As soon as Sakuya realized that she and her mistresses were being slowly drawn towards the gate, she handed Remilia's parasol to her and stopped time long enough to drag both sisters behind some adequate cover.

Alice and Reimu, who were approaching the fight with every intent to stop it, discovered that they were being forced towards the black hole. They immediately put on the brakes and tried to fly away, but the pull of the anomaly was just too much for them both. Only Reimu's last-second creation of a dimensional rift, which landed them behind the Mansion's outer walls, kept them from getting sucked in. Reisen had lagged far behind for some reason and thus found her escape attempt much easier to carry out.

The black hole suddenly _vanished,_ cutting off its pull. Megas overshot the lake's shore by a hundred and twenty meters, as it was only when Coop realized that they weren't being dragged into oblivion that he stopped and turned it around to investigate.

Jamie's eyebrows raised when they got close enough. "Huh? ...She's just floating there. Something wrong with her?"

"She looks fine to me," Coop decided. "Let's remedy that." He reached for a switch that had begun to glow during their escape attempt and started to flick it...

"She's not done," Patchouli hissed between her teeth, stopping him. Her anxiety over being inside Megas was still there, but it was tinged with a desire to assist these people, even if it was only to slow things down enough for her to escape. "'Inhales deeply', remember? Anything swallowed will be spat back out."

"So what's the big deal?" Coop asked her a trifle impatiently. "If it comes flying out, I'll just hit it back."

"You just don't get it, outsider!" Patchouli declared indignantly, the background music that was playing fading out. "I've fought this oni before. I know how it attacks and how it fights. Would you pay attention to me? It's bad enough that I'm in here to start with, and I'm _not_ going to be pulverized because of a stupid mistake on your part!"

Suika- - -who was beginning to look impatient with them- - -started to glow white, but Coop spared a minute to issue a cold rebuttal. "Listen, purplette. While I appreciate the help, it's not needed. This is supposed to be a game, right? I'd rather finish this on my own instead of getting someone's walkthrough. Save it for someone who really needs it."

Patchouli opened her mouth to speak, but Coop kept right on going and revved the engine a few times as he spoke. "Let me finish this match, alright? She's accused me of theft, gotten between me and the shrine, _and_ she's keeping me from catching _The Rogue Wrestler._ This bullheaded girl is going _down!"_

"You told us earlier that there wasn't any rush," Kiva reminded him. "Make up your mind."

Beat. "I've got to make a stand _some_ where, Kiva," Coop said, his words somewhat more contrite than they'd been before.

"Hey, boys!" Suika called, smirking tauntingly. She lifted a hand and gestured, beckoning them. "You'll waste away just floating there like that! You wanna be target practice?"

"..." Patchouli again grasped the seat's fabric. "You really think you can defeat her without my help?"

"Sure can." Coop flipped the glowing switch, then pressed the three buttons that were subsequently unlocked. "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."

The sides of Megas's arms swung open, revealing a set of component parts. The prototype pulled them out and slammed them together. The upper segment expanded into a boxy, vaguely cylindrical shape, and by the time it was done the weapon of choice turned out to be nothing less than an oversized sledgehammer. Closer examination showed a Magnum engraved on the hammer's shaft.

Patchouli's eyes turned towards Kiva exasparatedly as Suika's glow became exceedingly bright. "Why," she muttered, "does this not fill me with confidence?"

"How do you think _I_ feel? I'm _stuck_ with them."

Any further conversation was cut off as Coop sent Megas rocketing towards their opponent, yelling a battle cry. He raised the sledgehammer to strike, aiming to bypass her Spell Card...

_"GOTCHA!"_

And the oni acted. Suika's glow condensed and formed around her, and everything that had been swallowed came rocketing out of a shining white portal. Danmaku, rocks, lake water... it all flew much too fast for Coop to hit them all away. He managed no more than four swings, half of them missing, before the bulk of the projectiles exploded against Megas's armor. The damage added up quickly, and the detonation that ensued when the last of the bullets hit propelled Megas back across the lake. The prototype hit the dirt and skidded thirty-eight meters inland before stopping.

Suika wasn't done yet. Five seconds after the white hole disappeared and while Coop was reorienting Megas, the black hole came back into being. Once more, the group had to deal with being pulled towards the darkness against their will.

"We have to do all this again?" Jamie protested. "This is getting redundant!"

"I wonder if librarians in the outside world have to deal with this much disrespect," Patchouli complained, taking a page from Jamie's book and shutting her eyes tight.

Instead of turning Megas around and arrowing for the horizon, Coop decided to put it in full reverse instead. The mech hovered in place, only shifting from side to side as needed to dodge the bullets that were appearing. "I can't answer that. I'm no good with libraries." He took aim and hurled the sledgehammer... straight towards the black hole. "Here's your major malfunction!"

"Coop!" Kiva shouted.

"What are you do...- - -" Patchouli started to yell, quickly transitioning into a wheezing cough before she could finish.

"'Major' is right!" That was from Jamie.

To their surprise, Coop actually had a plan that time. Moments before the hammer would've vanished into the black hole, the oversized vacuum once again faded out... leaving a clear flight path between it and Suika. The oni had just enough time for a gobsmacked "Eh?" before the hammer's business end slammed into her, knocking her off balance and stunning her temporarily.

The trio regarded each other with surprise that this maneuver had worked out before Megas shot forward. Coop's finger hovered over a red button labeled "Technology Does Not Work This Way" for a moment before pressing down on it. Panels all over Megas slid open, disgorging volleys upon volleys of missiles and other explosive weapons; so many of them were discharged that it should've been impossible for the mech to have stored them all within. Recovering her balance in time, Suika focused her efforts into grazing the weaponry...

But before she could do anything of the sort, the projectiles began to merge together. Some of the clumps attracted others to them, and so on and so forth, until everything had combined into one colossal warhead. Grinning savagely, Suika brought both hands together and caught the monstrosity in-between them, holding on tight and not giving an inch until it ran out of fuel. "If this is your idea of a Spell Card, it needs improvement!" she shouted as she wound up to throw the missile away...

An explosion with Suika at its center rocked Gensokyo, and its clamor overrode her startled cry. Misty Lake shook, waves splashing against its shores. Remilia and Flandre covered their ears the best they could, their hearing being the most sensitive out of those witnessing the duel; the others weren't immune to the racket either, if their distressed cries were anything to go by. What few windows there were at the Mansion shook, but didn't break, and the noise was enough to attract even Yukari's attention inside the residence.

"...She's right," Coop said as the noise died down and the panels on Megas slid closed. A thick cloud of smoke floated over the Lake as he waited to see what became of Suika. "It was supposed to explode as soon as she caught it. I'll have to work on that one."

"Glad you agree, big guy."

No one was surprised when the smoke blew away, revealing that Suika was outwardly unscathed from the attack. The oni had her arms folded, a Spell Card held between two of her fingers. "The more I drink, the stronger I become. Sobriety is not a pleasant feeling to me, and you've pushed me very close to that point. If I'm going to beat you and get my treasure back, I'll have to stop pulling my punches."

She raised the Card aloft and called its name. Jamie stared fearfully at the mention of it. Patchouli silently wondered how it would compare to the likes of 'Pandemonium'. Kiva tensed, waiting to see what would become of this, and even Coop looked a little unsure.

_**"One-Oni Wrecking Machine!"** _


	6. Ch. 6: Broken Credits Gag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The duel between oni and robot car reaches its conclusion. Suika recovers her missing gourd. Remilia fears nothing except Patchouli's anger. Coop and the gang head on home. And a credits gag that doesn't really work well around here makes its appearance.

_The damage wrought by those two... I haven't seen something so awe-inspiring and frightening since I parted ways with Shinki!_

_Whoever is controlling that construct deserves a smack upside the head. Picking a fight with_ Suika, _of all people? And look at all the wreckage in their wake. This is a mess!_

_I've heard Kaguya's stories of the oni, but she was under the impression that they'd disappeared! And that mech..._

_So_ that's _who it was that blindsided me. I should have guessed._

_It'll take some work to repair the outer wall, but at least nothing was damaged beyond that. The mistresses seem to be enjoying this, so I can't complain._

_The sooner these giants stop fighting and go away, the better!_

_Where's Pache? She doesn't know what she's missing._

_Wow..._

Such were the thoughts of the spectators gathered at the Scarlet Devil Mansion in the seconds leading up to the declaration of Suika's third Spell Card. Some felt regret that the fight would be ending soon, while the others couldn't wait. However, all of them- - -including Meiling- - -did nothing to disturb the combatants. As long as they lived and for better or worse, this match would be sealed in their memories.

/-/-/-/

"...A magicannon of love... shall be unleashed!"

/-/-/-/

Suika floated into the air and held both hands over her head. A black hole similar to what she used previously pulsed into existence, hindering Megas's flight capabilities. Instead of taking in everything around it, it absorbed danmaku: fire bullets that materialized well beyond the battlefield and spiralled on in. Several of them struck Megas from behind as their rotation took them too close, almost plunging the mech into the Lake. Thankfully, such wasn't the case.

As Coop worked the controls, trying to outmaneuver the bullets and peppering Suika with blaster fire all the while, Patchouli tore her eyes away from the oni and looked at what Kiva was doing. The display she was working with was tinted red, and it changed each time it was either touched or the magus was hit. "Not a good sign, I'm assuming?"

Kiva looked up, gesturing out the window at the fireball that was superimposed over the black hole. Slowly but surely, it was growing with each bullet that was absorbed. "That's correct. If I'm reading this right, she's readying a massive bomb. There could be enough power to turn this entire Lake into a gigantic crater if it hits!"

"..." Patchouli's heart sank. "...Do you have a piece of paper and some ink I can borrow?"

"No, I don't. What for?"

"I was hoping to finish writing my will."

"Ugh..." Kiva shook her head. She should've expected that. "It's like you and Jamie are cut from the same mold."

"I guess this would be a bad time to say that one of my ancestors was a youkai," Jamie quipped.

Both back-seat residents turned towards the front, surprised. The slacker's reflection in the mirror smirked back at them. "Nah, I'm just messing with you. Even if there was, it's not like I'd know about it anyway."

Kiva's displeased look matched Patchouli's.

/-/-/-/

Outside, the firebomb that Suika was prepping had absorbed all the power it could take. With a yell, Suika dismissed the black hole and flung the tremendous blast at Megas with casual ease. _"Try_ this _on and see if it fits!"_

She had expected the construct's pilot to dodge the bomb and outrun its blast radius. It would've been within the realm of common sense to do so, and it would've given him enough time to retaliate before she started the whole process over again. Any idiot fighting in a Spell Card duel would keep it at the back of their mind; even a fairy that she'd fought against briefly- - -Circus, or whatever her name was- - -knew how important it was not to get hit.

Coop, as Suika discovered quickly, was not just any idiot. Megas charged directly _at_ the firebomb, flames churning to life between its hands and taking a vaguely sword-shaped form. The oni's offense met the construct's defense, gave a polite hello, and was repaid for its kindness with a blast of light and a raging heat wave. The air rippled and distorted as each attack sought to break past the other.

Her curiosity overcoming her desire to take advantage of the distraction, Suika remained still and watched. _How about it, big guy? Whatcha going to use to get out of_ this _one?_

She had no way of knowing this, but everyone else who was watching back at the Mansion was thinking similarly. It was a gamble, and they all knew it; all that remained was to see if it would pay off.

/-/-/-/

He would admit later that it wasn't the smartest move he could've made, but for now Coop struggled both to keep Megas upright and to swat away Suika's firebomb. Steam rose from beneath the robot as the lake water evaporated, and the temperature inside the car increased rapidly.

"See, this is what happens when you spell 'dessert' with only one 's'," Jamie was saying, about as uncomfortable as the rest of them were.

Coop remained focused on his driving. "I like 'em cold," he stated matter-of-factly.

"The systems are overheating," Kiva warned. "We have less than one energy bar left. If you're going to get rid of that bomb, do it fast!"

"It _is_ rather warm for this time of year, ain't it?" Coop agreed, reaching over with one hand and toggling the car's air conditioner. He nudged the lever, moving it past '70', '60', '40', beyond 'Really Cold' and clear on down to 'Antarctica'.

Cold air began to circulate throughout the car's interior, flowing down into the mech's systems. The fiery weapon it wielded shifted its shape and appearance, becoming less of a fiery sword and more of an _icy_ sword... one with an odd reddish hue. The danmaku bomb slowly froze over from the point of contact outwards, crackling loudly in the time it took to do so, until it resembled nothing other than a floating red iceberg.

Coop blinked, then stared approvingly at the end result of this. "I was half-expecting that to backfire somehow," he admitted, breaking Megas's ice sword and drawing back its right fist.

The prototype slugged the iceberg dead-center and shattered it into a multitude of chunks and shards, some of them hitting the nonplussed Suika before she could recommence hostilities. One particularly large piece rammed into her forehead, eliciting a "Wha~!" and toppling her backwards into the water. Waves again flowed outward towards the lake's shores.

The onlookers at the Mansion were similarly caught off guard, with expressions ranging from amused exceptance (Yukari) to total disbelief (Alice) and everything in-between. Only Cirno, parked outside the gate with Meiling, made any sort of noise; she was pumping her fist and hollering happily, cheering on the metal giant.

"An ice weapon," Patchouli breathed, watching some snow flurries drift down to the lake's surface; Megas's impromptu weapon had been cold enough to effect its immediate surroundings, it seemed. Genuine awe crept into the youkai's voice. "You have an honest-to-goodness ice-generating weapon in this... this magus. How did you accomplish that? Better yet, _where?"_

Coop looked up at the car's roof, considering what to tell her.

-?-

Busy assisting Kiva with some of Megas's repairs, Coop noticed a weirdly-shaped compartment in the mech's systems. He looked between it and the Stratospheric Strawberry Slime-flavored Mega Slush that was sitting next to him, wondering if the cup's design could possibly allow it to fit in said compartment. It seemed a close enough match, so maybe...

-?-

"...A chilled beverage," Patchouli deadpanned, her awe gone as quietly as it arrived. "And you're not lying about it."

"Like I said, I like 'em cold."

Patchouli didn't bother to dignify that with a response, nor would she have had time to were she so inclined. It was at that moment that a seething Suika rocketed from the water and sped up to them, left foot out in a flying kick. Coop tried to catch it, but his reaction time was a hair slow. The kick struck Megas backwards onto dry land, with a follow-up haymaker crashing it into the ground a bit further out. At the Mansion's gate, Cirno's cheering ground to a halt.

/-/-/-/

Grabbed!

_**"MAGICANNON: FINAL... MASTER... SPARK!"** _

It was less of a shout than a decibel scale-rattling yell. The magnificent laser blast was blinding at close range, encompassing Marisa's entire vision and requiring her to squeeze her eyes shut. Everything that was keeping her pinned down was blown away by its hyper-power, along with the roof and the structural integrity of that half of the house. The further away from the mini-hakkero it got, the bigger the spell grew until it overshadowed even her rendition of Yuuka's Double Spark; the starry danmaku that bordered it became somewhat wider to match.

_I guess Alice was right when she told me that Eientei would be easier to clean... not like I'll admit it to her or nothin'._

/-/-/-/

The sopping wet Suika approached Megas as it got to its feet once more. "You've come close, mister," she declared, "but no sake for you." She wound up, flames wrapping themselves around her fist. "This duel goes to me!"

Coop pushed a few buttons, trying to shoot back before Suika could finish the job. Only the ominous sound of silence, something he did not enjoy, answered him. "Nothing's working! _C'mon,_ Megas, talk to me!"

"All the weapons are down," Kiva announced grimly. "The systems aren't responding."

"There's gotta be _something_ that'll work!" Jamie, true to form, was in a state of panic. "You have any idea how embarrassing getting beaten by a humanoid steer's gonna be?!"

"She's an oni, idiot," Patchouli intoned quietly, seemingly resigned to their inevitable defeat.

Of course, Coop was not going to go quietly if he had a say in the matter. But with the weapons not working and him not knowing just how much more his opponent could take, he wasn't seeing too many options. And so it was that he went on the defensive for once, quickly spinning the car's steering wheel as Suika started to punch forward...

...and jerking Megas to the side, grazing the flaming punch with bare centimeters to spare. The fire was jettisoned harmlessly past it, dispersing not too far away. Not having expected the dodge, Suika hopped forward a step or two and waved her arms frantically in an effort to balance herself.

She had just managed to recover when a twinkle of light showed up in her vision. She inclined her head slightly to acknowledge it was there, then turned towards Megas. _One punch. That's all it will take._

As soon as a rainbow appeared in place of the light, Suika recognized her mistake. Her eyes grew and her pupils shrank as she realized just what that rainbow was, and that it was flying straight at her face. She knew who was responsible for it, and that her eagerness to finish off her opponent had left her off guard. These realizations were all hammered home in the span of a half second.

"Aw, _beans_."

/-/-/-/

The Final Master Spark enveloped first her face, and then Suika herself as the oni steadily shrank down to normal size. The air rumbled and shook, the proximity of it rattling Megas but doing little else to it. A loud humming akin to electricity drowned out most other noise, including the surprised cries of the mech's occupants...

And then a noisy crash like that of glass shattering, or of Megas striking an awesome pose.

The Spark caught Suika and hurled her across the Lake; she skimmed the ridge that the Mansion was on, flew through the open gate, bounced twice and crashed into the Mansion's doors, cratering but not breaking them. The Spark itself flew right over the building, not quite brushing the top of the clock tower, and would eventually dissipate as its energy fizzled out.

Reactions to the fight's finale varied. Patchouli stared, her eyes blank and her mouth hung open wide; Alice, Reisen, Meiling and Remilia had much the same reaction. Reimu sighed in annoyance. Flandre giggled with delight, recognizing Marisa's involvement. Sakuya and Yukari were the most composed of the group, but even they couldn't keep from sweatdropping. Cirno got while the getting was good, too unnerved to figure things out for herself. Kiva did a double take, looking between where the Spark had come from and where Suika had gone.

"Was that..." Coop began.

"...a ginormous magical laser?" Jamie finished, eyes wide.

Their guest, still in shock, could only nod minutely.

Kiva calmed down and rechecked Megas's status. What she saw made her smile. "Looks like that did it. All of Megas's systems are back online and functional. Energy levels are maximized. The game's over, guys, and we won."

Coop and Jamie were silent a few moments more before they grinned, bumping fists and exchanging a familiar gesture; said gesture was mirrored by Megas a moment later. " _Rock on!"_

Patchouli sagged, feeling very tired mentally. "Just... let me out. Please."

/-/-/-/-/

Once their disbelief was shunted aside, Reimu and Yukari flew off to catch the outsiders before they left. The entire area between the Lake and the areas of the Forest where Alice and Marisa lived had been victimized to some degree or another, and while the damages would reverse themselves in due time, the fact remained that the shrine maiden and overseer did _not_ want Megas in Gensokyo. Yukari seemed to recognize the mech, but she wasn't saying where she saw it or how she knew about it, offering only a cryptic hint about a sun-powered spider and leaving it at that.

Somehow, it didn't surprise the Mansion's residents that Yukari had chosen to sleep off her injury. Typical.

Patchouli drifted onto the Mansion's front walk a minute or so later, halting near Remilia's group. The mansion's mistress turned to regard her, smiling thinly. "You certainly took a while, Pache; you missed a grand party. Were you able to secure the half-youkai's services?"

The librarian remained quiet, her lips moving but no noise escaping them. Her face was pale even for her, and her lungs were working hard to replenish her oxygen supply; Remilia's smile left her as she wondered whether she should've asked that or not.

Sakuya frowned and asked the question that was on both of their minds. "Miss Patchouli? Are you alright?"

Patchouli looked from one to the other, her expression quickly souring. When she finally replied, her words were more stressed and acidic than they were used to hearing from her. "Listen and listen good; I'm talking to _you_. This has been the longest morning of my life. I was subject to temperature extremes that I shouldn't have, overgrown fairies, my own ill health, and the whims of an idiot hero with more guts than good sense. I will tell you everything about what I saw when I feel up to it, but in the meantime, _leave me alone, let me sleep and stop asking me insipid questions_.Do you understand the words exiting my mouth?"

Maid and mistress looked at each other, wincing at her biting statements, then hurriedly nodded in agreement. Without another word Patchouli turned and floated into the Mansion, ignoring everyone else present.

"...I'm not enthusiastic about whatever tale she has to tell," Sakuya said to herself.

"Neither am I," Remilia agreed, her eyes on the distant statue that hadn't moved since the fight's conclusion.

"Strawberry ice," Flandre commented, obliviously chewing on a piece of the iceberg that Megas had smashed earlier. "Very tasty."

At the other side of the stone walkway, Alice, Reisen and Meiling were gathered around Suika. She had slumped against the Mansion near the doors, feeling downcast. "...It's gone," she moaned, finishing her explanation. "And I don't even know where to begin looking. I know I can get my drinks elsewhere, but I'd had it with me for so long..."

"So, you picked a fight with this iron giant..." Meiling began.

"It's a magus," Alice supplied.

"...because you were convinced that it had stolen your most prized possession?" the guard finished. "This gourd must _really_ be special."

"Two words: endless sake. It's an oni treasure," Suika told her, not in the mood to go through the whole explanation for how that was possible.

Reisen 'hmmed' thoughtfully, a hand on her chin. She gave a start as a light clicked on upstairs, and she reached into her pack and pulled something out... "This wouldn't happen to be it, would- - -hey!"

Suika's mood did a quick 180. She eagerly grabbed the gourd before Reisen was finished speaking, popping it open. "Mine!" she shrieked happily, lifting it to her lips and drinking heartily.

"...What?" Alice uttered, disbelieving. "Where'd you find it?"

"Back where we first took up the pursuit," Reisen explained. "I found it in a broken tree next to an unconscious fairy. It looked important, so I grabbed it just to be safe."

"Huh. It's a good thing you were along, then," Meiling noted. "This wouldn't have ended well otherwise."

"Why'd you join us, anyway?" Alice asked as the three of them rose to their feet. "What are you doing this far from Eientei?"

"My master's having me sell medicine down at the Human Village," Reisen explained, "but one of those large fairies almost landed on top of me, so- - -"

"Medicine, you say?" Remilia asked sharply, causing them to turn towards her as her group approached. Her tone softened a little. "Pardon me. I have a dear friend who struggles daily with anemia, amongst other things, and I dislike seeing her unwell and unhappy." Her eyes glowed. "Very much so."

Reisen blinked at her unspoken request, not having expected this from her in light of the recent events at Eientei. She dug into her pack to check her remaining supplies. "Let me see. I _should_ have something here that's suitable for her... is she human or youkai?..."

As the two talked business, Suika finally stopped drinking and smiled in the direction of Misty Lake. She had reclaimed what was hers and had a good fight against a strong opponent; all was right in her world once again. "Here's to you, big guy," she mumbled. "Come back for a rematch any day. Let the good times roll..."

Alice and Meiling shuddered violently, but stayed silent.

/-/-/-/

"...I see," Reimu said as the outsiders wrapped up their explanation. She and Yukari were standing next to Megas's head, having reached the trio before they wandered off. "Well, if you were just looking for us and wanting to go home, I can let you off the hook this time. But _only_ this time."

Yukari had kept quiet up to that point, frowning. It could've been because of the recent events on the moon, or that they'd been the ones to (accidentally) knock her out. For all Reimu knew, it could've been because she didn't have her hat with her. It was hard to say.

"So," Kiva asked, "you can drop us off outside the barrier, then?"

"I can do you one better," Yukari finally stated, smiling. "I can send you directly back to Jersey City if you'd like."

Coop looked delighted at the idea, but settled down as something occurred to him. "Wait, we never said where we were from. How'd you know we're from Jersey?"

"I watched your fight against the Regis Mark Five from here," Yukari told them, smirking at their annoyance. "I was going to shut him up myself before you figured things out." She waved off their curious looks. "I was bored."

"If all these special powers are any indication," Jamie said, his arms folded, "pitting you against Regis would be like blasting a soccer ball with a bazooka."

Yukari's eyes glazed over momentarily before one hand went to her chin. "A soccer ball... with a bazooka? That's not a bad idea, actually- - -"

" _Anyway!"_ Reimu all but shouted. This whole conversation was getting too confusing for her. "Moving on... Yukari? Portal. Let's get them out of- - -"

_Growwwwllll._

Coop patted his stomach a few times. "Whoops. Heh, heh... haven't eaten anything since before we went to the moon." He looked eagerly up at Reimu and Yukari. "Could we get something to eat before we go?"

Reimu looked at Yukari, who just stared back, and then at Coop. Finally, she let her head sink into her hand. "Fine." She pointed at the distant Scarlet Devil Mansion. "Everyone there was watching the fight. Just ask them to feed you, and they'll probably agree."

"I can roll with that," Coop said with a smirk, revving Megas's engine. The shrine maiden and border youkai jumped away as the mech jetted off towards Remilia's home.

There was a mild whoosh as Marisa approached the two; as she turned, Reimu noticed that she wasn't flying at full speed as was her habit. Her friend had her usual cocky smile, but there was a clear wince in her expression as she floated off her broom. "Yo!" she greeted them. "Sorry I'm late; I had to blow up my house. What did I miss?"

An irritated grumble. "Oh, shut up, Marisa."

/-/-/-/

Coop settled into his sofa, his remote control in one hand and a large bucket of popcorn in the other. "Ah... finally. The movie event of the year is about to get underway."

"Took long enough, too." Jamie occupied the other end of the couch. "Moon people, a land full of pretty girls with magic powers, children that hit like tanks... I've had enough for a year, let alone a day. Who knows how much of that trilogy that we missed?"

"I wouldn't mind visiting Gensokyo again at some point," Kiva commented as she took over a nearby chair. "It's not like the Scarlet sisters and Suika were adverse to the idea."

"Something I don't get," Jamie brought up. "The place was hidden somewhere in Japan, right? So, how come everyone was speaking perfect English?"

Beat.

"Well, no use dwelling on that... it's too much effort to work it out. Let's just sit back and enjoy some quality entertainment." Coop pointed the remote at the TV and clicked it on...

"...That's funny." Jamie's left eyebrow raised. "They _were_ set for Channel 35, right?"

"Yeah," answered the puzzled gamer.

"That looks more like Channel 2." He squinted at the VCR... "And it's blinking 12:00..." He frowned at his only friend. "Coop, I think the power must've gone out while we were at the moon."

Kiva had just enough time to cover her ears before the house shook with an anguished cry:

"I missed the _Rogue Wrestler_ movies?! _NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_**/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/** _

**The End**

_Notes_

Alright, people, I confess. This entire story was written as an excuse to have Megas and Suika lock horns; the trick was building it up to that point. Reward yourself with a snack if you saw it coming.

_(Yuyuko sat off to one side, eating a Philly cheesesteak with enjoyment. Youmu and Kiva shared an exasparated expression.)_

When considering how to write it, I took a look at the Gensokyo timeline over at the Touhou Wiki. I discovered that _Imperishable Night's_ Extra Stage fell on a date that corresponded with late October 2004... just a very short period before the air date of "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Coop", an episode that ended with Coop needing to put the moon back together. The first chapter pretty much wrote itself.

_(Jamie was engaged in friendly conversation with Patchouli, only to be interrupted by a face slap from an overprotective Koakuma. The librarian for her part just stared dumbly, unsure how to react, as Remilia laughed at the goings-on. Flandre sat next to her, confused at Jamie's speech and actions.)_

Kyla is basically little more than another moon rabbit, while the fairy with the long name was inspired by a one-shot _Get Fuzzy_ character with a similar moniker. Both of these characters belong to me.

 _(Marisa was trying to paint something on Megas's mudflaps when a yell of protest from Coop startled her. She backed off, whistling innocently, and decided that_ maybe _adding her hat to the female silhouettes was a bit much.)_

My M.O. where memes are concerned is to try and avoid using them in their original form whenever I can; thus I tried to stick with what canon details there were (I took some liberties with the Lunarians, and I made an exception with Marisa's mutterings). After someone told me that Remilia's lapse in decorum during the thunderstorm was termed a "charisma break", I almost facepalmed. It still came off as funny to me, though, so I kept it in.

Speaking of the Scarlet sisters, Flandre's comments on an Inspector General refer to Danny Kaye's movie of the same name. I thought about including a flashback in the final chapter where Ran showed her a magic-powered film projector, but the idea didn't last.

_(As Coop enjoyed a delicious dinner, Sakuya drummed her fingers in time with some rock music coming from Megas. Upon seeing Meiling giving her a strange look, she backed off and looked away, a bit embarrassed.)_

I like the Three Fairies; don't get me wrong. Star and Sunny number amongst my top five favorite characters in the entire series. Still, I experienced no end of frustration at their hands during my playthroughs of _Fairy Wars,_ and to this date I still haven't beaten the game in Normal Mode. Does it show?

One of the reviewers at Fanfiction Dot Net suggested that it wouldn't be out of the line of possibility for Coop (and probably Megas by extension, if I read it right) to remain in Gensokyo. Alice's comment to Patchouli in Chapter Four about collateral damage serves as my reply to that, plus the fact that witnessing a video game junkie going through withdrawl likely wouldn't be pleasant.

_(Alice sat at a table, sketching out plans on a piece of paper for a house-sized doll. Kiva stood nearby, sipping some tea and offering suggestions.)_

I knew that someone in Gensokyo had to take the role of that kid who turned up throughout Megas XLR's run. I considered having Nitori make a cameo with that in mind, but after deciding to stick with characters that appeared in _IN_ and before, Flandre became the only real candidate for that role.

I had trouble figuring out what I wanted the red button to say. Ideas included "Because It's Gensokyo, Baby" and "Violation of Common Sense", amongst others. I finally decided on "Technology Does Not Work This Way" after noting that the whole thing was a blatant escape from reality anyway.

_(Patchouli leaned back in her chair, reading the instructions on a jar of medicine as Reisen summarized how it was supposed to work.)_

The final outcome of the match was more or less planned out since Chapter Two: Suika was supposed to have Megas on the ropes, and then Marisa would blast her from out of nowhere. As with the fight's circumstances, getting to that point was half the battle; nothing else about the confrontation had been developed before it began.

_(In a sealed off corner of Gensokyo, Megas and Suika again faced off against each other. Yukari floated nearby, a whistle around her neck, while Reimu lazily looked on. As the whistle was blown the combatants charged forwards, their fists poised to strike...)_

It had been a long time since I actually _finished_ a multi-chapter story or felt the motivation to do so. I hadn't had this much fun authoring a fanfic since... well, ever.

Regardless of my feelings on the matter, keep reading, people. As much as I initially believed otherwise, this tale is not quite done.


	7. Ch. 7: Alternate Ending - Little Outcast Youkai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After I first posted the story at FF Dot Net, I'd thought that there was no way that I'd be able to top that effort with a sequel. Much later, after a bit of conversation with someone over PM, the wheels began turning again. I figured, "If a sequel won't work, why not a different ending?" So... against my better judgment, I revisited FoUR and the events within.
> 
> What if: after breaking Suika's "Wrecking Machine" card, Coop had been able to fight back instead of being reduced to dodging?

Suika came charging up to Megas, left foot out in a flying kick. Coop tried to catch it, but his reaction time was a hair slow. The kick struck Megas backwards onto dry land, with a follow-up haymaker crashing it into the ground a bit further out.

/-/-/-/

After what felt like an hour of struggling, Marisa was finally able to grab hold of her mini-hakkero. The smile that heralded her typical usage of it was tinted with sadness and determination.

_**"MAGICANNON: FINAL... MASTER... SPARK!"** _

/-/-/-/

Suika approached Megas as it got to its feet once more. "You've come close, mister," she declared, "but no sake for you." She began winding up, her fist wrapped up with flames. "This duel goes to me!"

Coop knew that the outcome of this whole game was at stake, so he frantically pressed every button on the dashboard that was within arm's reach. Nothing cooperated with him. "Nothing's working! _C'mon,_ Megas, talk to me!" he urged.

It didn't look like there was any way out of this, as the negativity of the others indicated. But Coop was nothing if not stubborn; he continued to press buttons, flip switches, and turn any dials he could. Finally, out of frustration, he punched a dimmer switch-shaped knob near the temperature gauge...

/-/-/

Right as Suika leaned forward to sock Megas a good one, a translucent green energy field popped into place around the mech. It yielded when Suika's punch connected, shimmering and wiggling like jelly, then sapped every last trace of heat and excess strength out of her attack. Befuddled, the oni pulled her fist free of the field and backed off several steps, contemplating this new development.

A twinkling from somewhere behind Megas... and then came the roar of sound and light that accompanied Marisa's Master Spark. It was the sort of power that Suika had to contend with when Reimu and the others had been investigating the repeated parties, and she could testify to its strength... but none of it touched her metallic nemesis. All that energy and ferocity washed against the energy field, distorting and shaking it, but ultimately dissolved into a mass of particles that were drained into the shield as well.

/-/-/

As the Master Spark- - -followed shortly thereafter by the odd shielding- - -faded into nonexistence, Patchouli turned to look out the rear window, quietly surprised. She ignored Kiva's disbelief as Megas's energy reserves were partially restored, Jamie's dry humor at the outcome, and Coop's mirthful declaration of counterattack. She knew instinctively who was responsible. _Black-white rat? Where are you?_

Which brought a question to mind: If Marisa went through life the way she did, facing off against superior foes with little more than her wits and her overkill brand of magic, what was _she_ doing sitting around and watching helplessly with nothing to contribute?

Coop was in the middle of entering a specific combination of buttons on a controller when she came to her decision. Reaching into her sleeve, Patchouli pulled out her "Philosopher's Stone" card and gave it a light toss up front. "Use this, outsider."

The oversized human picked it up and gave it a confused glance. "A Spell Card? What are you giving this to me for?"

"Yeah. It's not like we can use magic," Jamie reminded her. "Not of the dodgeball variety."

Patchouli shrugged and closed her eyes for a bit. "I'm sure you can figure something out. You've been making things up as you go along this entire time, anyway."

Suika was making her move again, charging for Megas with both arms outstretched. Deciding to go with the flow, Coop placed the card in a slot- - -which, unbeknownst to Patchouli, was the car's tape player- - -and pushed a button with a triangle on it, ending the button combination at that point. The oni closed in, trying to grab Megas with the intent to wind up for a throw- - -...

Megas ducked beneath the outstretched arms and caught Suika beneath them, stopping her movement, and rocketed upwards. Streams of energy- - -buffeting, metallic, thick and earth-like, fiery and watery- - -were collecting in the mech's right arm and giving it an otherworldly glow. On the dashboard's communications screen, five words had appeared; Patchouli didn't know this, but she would shortly come to regret seeing those words for the rest of her existence.

_**Escape the Machine: Megas Buster** _

Coop grinned. _"One..."_

From Suika's perspective, the backdrop for their fight briefly shifted into something akin to a battle arena, complete with strangely-dressed grapplers and a crowd of spectators. She knew that a Spell Card was in use- - -a _real_ Spell Card, not that poor man's imitation from earlier- - -and that Coop intended to finish this in one go. She pounded, pulled and kicked, trying to break free from Megas's grip, but the surging energies that accompanied the Card prevented her from escaping in time.

Once Megas had gone as high up as was intended for it, the mech tossed Suika away from it- - -and released the gathered energy from its arm via a titanic burst of power. The shot took the appearance of a gigantic fist, having a silvery core but lathered with merged danmaku that rotated around it at high speeds. The elements of the "Philosopher's Stone" were all represented in this attack, successfully merging together magic and technology for the sake of blowing up anything it collided with.

_"Two..."_

The Megas Buster detonated against Suika dead-center, directing all of its energy into the point of contact and converting it into damage. With an explosion of elemental rainbows and the high-pitched **SHWING** that signalled the fight's end, the oni- - -having shrunk down to normal upon being struck- - -was shot across Misty Lake like a powerful bullet, descending quickly at an angle.

_"THREE!"_

Somewhere, a brass bell rang.

/-/-/-/

Those that were watching the fight from outside the Scarlet Devil Mansion didn't know that anything had gone past them until a powerful gust of wind tore at them, sending hair and headwear whipping about and threatening to tear the Scarlet sisters' parasols out of the hands of their holders. Suika smashed into the Mansion's exterior, going straight _through_ the construction and leaving a nice oni-shaped hole behind.

Crashing and tumbling noises made those at the Mansion flinch with each successive instance. One after another, things could be heard toppling over and shaking the ground as they landed. Remilia and Sakuya weren't sure where in the Mansion the noises were coming from, but they both had a gut feeling that the repair costs would be astronomical. Neither of them knew how right they were.

The ruckus finally quieted down a little while later. Reimu and Yukari, neither of them desiring to stick around for the aftermath, flew off to intercept the magus before it departed. Alice and Reisen removed Remilia's and Flandre's hats from their faces and returned them to their respective owners. Patchouli showed up while they were doing this and chewed out Remilia for sending her out on a fool's errand, then re-entered the Mansion and left them behind without another word.

The magus didn't look to be making any severe movements; in the minds of the residents, things seemed to be well and truly over. Meiling took a deep breath, let it out slowly- - -...

_**"NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOO-OO-OOOOOOOO!"** _

...- - -and jumped as the wail of one forever cursed reached them from within the Mansion. For the first time in ages (the storms didn't count), Remilia allowed herself to be openly afraid. "...That was Patchouli, wasn't it?"

"...Yes. Yes it was, my lady," Sakuya confirmed, not sure how to react. "...Want me to check on her while you and the young mistress take cover?"

"...That would be lovely."

"I'm going to bed now. Good morning, good afternoon, good night!" Flandre agreed, not afraid to show fear, and bolted into the Mansion towards whatever safety she could find. Remilia was close behind, while Sakuya's route took her to the library. Meiling stayed outside, presumably to keep watching the magus, while Cirno- - -having a brief flash of intelligence- - -decided to stay as far away from any potential danger as she could; Alice and Reisen followed Sakuya, their curiosity overriding their better judgment.

/-/-/-/-/

The books stored in the library were fireproof, waterproof and effectively immune to physical damage. No one had ever said anything about the bookshelves, however. Whether they had or not, though, there were loopholes through everything; nothing archived was Megasproof or Suikaproof.

From the oni-shaped hole at the very back of the library clear to the front was wreckage. Pure and total _wreckage._ Bookshelves were smashed apart and lying on the ground, while countless magical tomes, encyclopedias, textbooks and the occasional manga volume were scattered about throughout the entire room; most had pages torn out of them. The desk where Patchouli did most of her reading had relocated to the library's entrance, broken into three large pieces. The door to the room where the librarian kept her personal effects had been impaled with part of a bookshelf, although the contents beyond were untouched. Half-buried underneath the debris near the door was Suika, senseless and swirly-eyed from the Megas Buster, and Koakuma, who had been putting some things away when the mini-hurricane had hit.

All in all, only those shelves that had been constructed along the farthest walls had been spared the devestation, and considering the size of the library that was saying something.

Patchouli was having an out-of-character moment. When Sakuya and the others reached her at the door, the librarian was completely white, clothes and all. She was on her hands and knees on the floor, repeatedly punching it after each frustrated "no" she uttered. The aura of depression and sadness she was radiating was palpable enough that Sakuya felt inclined to offer her a cookie, and only the remembrance of the fact that Patchouli was not Flandre kept her from doing that.

Hesitantly, Alice reached down and tapped her shoulder (from a safe distance, using Shanghai). "Patchouli? Hey. Are you still with us?"

"... ...I have learned an important lesson today," Patchouli rasped. "Never offer a Spell Card to a hot-blooded buffoon who graduated from the Marisa Kirisame School of Danmaku."

Everything and everyone nearby, including the broken desk, sprouted sweatdrops.

/-/-/-/-/

Thankfully, once the full story had made the rounds, Coop was only partially to blame for the disaster. Part of it laid with Patchouli herself for her honest mistake; a third portion was blamed on Suika for instigating the fight; and as Reisen brought herself to acknowledge, her former bosses on the moon were also at fault for opening the way to Gensokyo (if inadvertently, if what Kiva said was the truth).

While Remilia had a bit of fun at Jamie's expense- - -she almost laughed at his attempts to cheer up Patchouli- - -she recognized Kiva to be an intelligent and capable human. She had a little pity for the soldier who had to put up with those two... but only a little. It wouldn't do for her to show that she actually _liked_ having these strangers here for a visit, the damage done notwithstanding.

Ultimately, she didn't hold any grudge against any of them, not even Coop. Sakuya had added some degree of skill in home repair to her repertoire in recent years, and while it would take a bit of effort and time to purchase needed supplies and repair the Mansion (even moreso, since the recent storms had struck the human village pretty hard), Remilia had no doubt that things would turn out alright in the end. First on the agenda, of course, would be to have that hole in the wall patched up; there was a reason why the library had so little natural light, after all.

Remilia had, reluctantly at first but afterward without reservations, agreed to be hospitable towards Coop and his friends before Yukari sent them home. Everyone who had been present- - -plus Marisa, who had showed up a bit late while favoring her arm- - -were invited to share in the festivities.

About twenty minutes in, Remilia noticed that despite Jamie and Kiva's best efforts, Patchouli was still quietly fuming. She directed the conversation she was currently involved in towards another topic. "...You know, Pache, you should consider this a blessing in disguise."

"...How so, pray tell?"

"Well, you've spent most of your life in the library, and with good reason. But since we have to remodel and do repairs in there, maybe you should take this opportunity to travel with someone. See more of the world outside the Mansion other than the usual locales."

Despite the annoyance she still felt towards Remilia, Patchouli had to agree. "I could probably go along with that, just so long as I could take some of my things with me. And I'll need a place to stay when I have to take a break."

"That can be arranged." Remilia nodded. "Marisa, how about it?"

"No can do, ze," Marisa immediately spoke up. "I had to blow up my house just to keep from becomin' a permanent floor mat. It's in no condition to host guests."

_"It never was in the_ _ **first**_ _place"_ was the thought on the minds of those that knew her, but it went unspoken.

"I'll have to decline as well," Alice said, swallowing her bite of food. "Between the endless night, the trial of guts, the storms and the outsiders' arrival, the conditions at my home are less than optimal. I doubt she'd want to wait until I had everything in order."

"And you'd be right," Patchouli agreed, nodding slightly.

"I'm not hosting any freeloading youkai," Reimu stated indignantly. "I already have my hands full with Suika as it is."

"You know you like me," Suika chirped, blissfully drunk on sake from her recovered treasure. Her comment got a smirk out of Jamie.

"Whether I do or not doesn't matter," Reimu told her. "And in any event, you still haven't bought those supplies I asked you to get."

"Alright, alright..."

"I'd just as soon keep my home's location a secret, thank you," Yukari informed them, her tone of voice leaving no room for argument.

"Eientei made it through the weather just fine," Reisen said, being the next in line. "What concerns me is that if she bunked there, Patchouli would have to put up with Tewi's shenanigans..."

Remilia frowned, remembering the mischevious rabbit that she and Sakuya had met. "Bookworms and pranksters don't mix. I agree. And I don't think that anyone at the village would be inclined to take her in..."

"Especially not this soon after the... Glorft's failed moon invasion," Reimu pointed out, pausing to work out the unfamiliar name. "You send any youkai down there, even one more inclined to read than to cause trouble, and I can guarantee they'll be up in arms."

"Yes..."

"So out of those we know, who does that leave?" Sakuya wanted to know.

A short pause, with the only sounds being those of Coop enjoying the meal... then everyone in the room turned to face the three outsiders. Patchouli's face turned a paler shade of gray. "You wouldn't."

/-/-/

"...She did."

A day later, Coop was cheering at the climax of the _Rogue Wrestler_ movies he had missed. After discovering that there had been a temporary power outage while they were away, he had gotten into contact with someone he knew who had been able to record the films without any trouble. Jamie, as usual, reclined at the other end of the couch and commented on anything that he found out of place.

Kiva shook her head, not really interested in the movies. Getting up from the chair she'd borrowed, she walked over to the basement stairs. Patchouli was seated there on an aged cushion, half-heartedly reading an old science textbook that Coop's mother had been nice enough to loan her. The librarian looked up as she approached. "Is this what it's like for you? Their lazing about, playing those strange games, fighting monsters, repairing junk and having no real purpose in life, _every single day?_ "

"Bluntly," Kiva told her with a long-suffering sigh, "yes. So if Jamie asks to take you out shopping, I suggest turning him down."

Patchouli grimaced and silently urged those in Gensokyo to hurry up with the repairs. The sooner she could leave Jersey City, the better.

_But in the meantime, maybe trying that "Last Fantasy" game Coop was talking about wouldn't hurt..._

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

_**Ending No. 2** _

Feline is preparing...


	8. Ch. 8: Extra Stage - Fire Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flora Girl, Flora Girl. Likes all the things that the flora will. What's she like? It's not important. Flora Girl.

_This story is curtain-fire shooting story._

_Girls are doing their best now and are preparing. Please watch warmly until it is ready._

_The titan's shadow blankets all. Fear the fat man in both its forms._

_Now loading..._

**FANTASY OF UTTER RIDICULOUSNESS**

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

It dwarfed everything. There was already a minimal amount of light in the library, but the behemoth reduced that illumination to almost nil. It rampaged everywhere, grabbing whatever it could with no regard to the property damage it was causing.

The maids were panicking somewhere in the background, and several of them- - -the Blasted Fairy among them- - -had passed out from fear. Sakuya was pinned to a wall with her own knives, leaving her to glower up at the impressive shadow. Meiling was lodged through the middle of a bookshelf, growling angrily as she tried to pull herself out. The swirly-eyed Remilia and Flandre were stuck in the library's ceiling far above, blasted there after the latter's Laevatein Spell Card met its superior.

Patchouli was still fighting, throwing everything hard-hitting in her arsenal at it: _Water Elf, Philosopher's Stone, Silent Silene, Royal Flare..._ but to no avail. If it couldn't dodge out of the way, it raised the sack it was carrying for use as a shield. Either way, nothing touched it.

Her energy spent, Patchouli sunk to the ground. Feeling both angered and grieved, she gritted her teeth and silently cursed the creature's name to the unseen skies above. There was nothing else she could do.

The behemoth didn't miss those signs of exhaustion, and it spoke for the first time since the fight had began. It sounded honestly confused, wondering what was wrong with her and not understanding the situation...

...And as the words exited its mouth, the face became fully visible.

"I'm just borrowing, ze. What's the fuss about?"

/-/-/-/-/

Patchouli awoke with a start, slamming both hands on her desk and yelling a single rage-filled name: _“KIII-RIII-SAAA-MEEEEEE!”_

A startled shriek and the repeated thumps of something hitting the floor nearby bade Patchouli to quickly turn in that direction, anger in those purple eyes. She forced herself to calm down when she realized that the sudden scream had unnerved Koakuma, who rushed over to check on her. “Miss Patchouli! What’s the matter? What is it?”

As her brain and lungs settled out of Emergency Mode, Patchouli let her arms hang limp. “Just... a dream,” she said softly. “That’s all it was. Just a dream...” She looked at the sealed jar of medicine on her desk. "The rabbit wasn't kidding when she said that this could influence my dreams, was she?..."

_First the ones where I was trapped in Jersey City against my will, and now this. Is gaining control of my health really worth these sorts of nightmares?_

Koakuma fidgeted, unsure. "Do you need anything from me? Should I get some water for you?"

Patchouli frowned as she pondered her assistant's request. "It's getting near that time of the month, isn't it?"

A pause as Koakuma tried to remember what this meant... then a realization dawned. "Oh! That's when the jolly fat man drops down the chimney and shares his love of pizza-wrapped hams with the neighbors!"

Face. Palm. "You're getting Santa Claus mixed up with _Coop,"_ Patchouli muttered, grimacing as she thought of the man. Her perception of time wasn't the greatest, so she couldn't tell how long it had been since he and his friends showed up, upsetting Gensokyo's reality. She never wanted to see any of them again, least of all Coop, and most importantly she didn't want to be anywhere _near_ Megas when it went on a rampage.

_...Although, the skinnier human was nicer than I expected him to be..._

/-/

"Koakuma, why did you slap him?"

"Patchouli, didn't you understand what he was doing? He was trying to hit on you!"

"...But he wasn't trying to hurt me. He never raised his hands at all."

"Not  _ 'hit you' _ . 'Hit  _ on _ you'."

"Again, he wasn't attacking me. We were just having a nice conversation before you came along. ...And I still don't understand why Remi thought it was funny."

"Patchouli, I don't mean 'hit you' as in 'violence'. I mean 'hit  _ on _ you'. You don't know what he's like, and what he does. From what I've seen, he's just a lazy good-for-nothing reject!"

"I'll have you know that he works as a farm hand. I heard the words right out of his mouth."

"Are you serious?"

"When have I ever  _ not _ been serious?"

"So... a farm hand, huh?"

"Yes. He was explaining to me that he was having trouble keeping all the chicks away from him. I told him I had no experience with fowl, but he seemed so dejected. How could chickens possibly be difficult to deal with?"

"...Patchouli?"

"Yes, Koakuma?"

"Am I overstepping my bounds if I say: 'Lie down before you hurt yourself'?"

/-/

_Come to think of it, Koakuma never did clarify what 'hit on you' was supposed to mean..._

Speaking of her assistant, Patchouli realized that she'd been ignoring her as her memory had wandered. She returned her attention in that direction. "...said that she didn't want them back," Koakuma was saying with a frown. "Do you think they'd get back in anyway?"

"Extreme magic would have to happen before anything that dire transpired," Patchouli uttered. "The barrier's architect knew what she was doing. Nothing short of Yukari herself will permit them to go past, and for that we can all be thankful."

"A shame," Koakuma said none-too-sadly. "I wanted to see what a pizza-wrapped ham tasted like. ...And pizza itself, for that matter."

"From what they described, it's not the sort of food we should be eating," Patchouli reprimanded her. Distantly, she could hear the bells in the clock tower signalling the hour. _Late evening..._

"You look troubled, Patchouli," Koakuma stated concernedly. "Is something wrong?"

_...I do? I thought I was doing a better job of hiding that._ "You don't need to inquire, Koakuma. I don't see how it's any of your business."

"Assisting you _is_ my business," Koakuma returned, some heat in her voice. "How am I supposed to be a good familiar if I don't look out for you? Come on, we've been over this at least a hundred times!"

As they spoke, Patchouli flew to the pile of dropped books and grabbed one of them, an enchantment already placed on it to make it feel lighter in her hands. "And I will tell you the same thing I've told _you_ at least a hundred times. Whenever you get involved in my business, the situation takes a nose dive off the nearest cliff."

Koakuma huffed and folded her arms indignantly. "Since when? Name _one_ instance where I wasn't looking out for you."

For her reply, Patchouli opened a desk drawer and withdrew a roll of parchment. She didn't open it, but instead held it in Koakuma's direction, one eyebrow raised.

"...Oh, come _on!_ _That_ many?"

Patchouli put the scroll away. "Koakuma, for all that you're a good assistant, you're still a fun-loving trickster at heart."

"Bah. You like me, and you know it."

A resigned sigh. _...Which would be true, yes, but..._ "Fine, then. To answer your question, I've been considering paying a visit to the Forest of Magic."

"At this time of night?" Koakuma's head tilted sideways a fraction as she made her inquiry. "I mean, it makes sense, but wouldn't daylight at least make it easier to find what you wanted?"

"In most cases, yes. However, the late evening hours- - -before midnight, but after sunset- - -make it the most optimal time for a raid. And it means I won't be suffering sunlight."

It took a few more moments before things finally clicked in Koakuma's head. "You're... going after our monochromatic thief?"

Patchouli brandished a set of Spell Cards while she spoke, selecting some and putting the rest away. "Her aid to Gensokyo is an invaluable asset. Her incessant burglaries are not. If she will not return what is mine, or at the very least give them back within a specific time frame, then I shall reclaim them _by force."_

"...three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one- - -"

"There's no point in talking if you can't make yourself heard. What are you saying, Koakuma?"

Koakuma shook her head, hands held up placatingly. "Nothing, never mind. It's not important."

Patchouli gave her a strange look, but accepted what she said and turned away. Taking a deep breath and mentally preparing herself for this excursion, she lifted off and flew away towards the library doors. She wasted little time in leaving the Mansion, stopping only to have Sakuya deliver a message to Remilia that she would be unavailable for the rest of the night.

_...Blast it, Koakuma, now you've got_ me _craving those hams. Note to self: no special requests from the kitchen for the next week._

/-/-/-/-/

In an unknown location, concealed by a combination of heights, distance, clouds and the night, a magnificent gate stood closed. Beyond it was the long-lasting flight of stairs that ultimately led to Yuyuko Saigyouji's domain.

It would have been a real trick for anyone living to gain permission to enter. Likewise it would take an imaginary trick for anyone, _period,_ to be allowed to leave.

_"YEEEAHHHHH, HA-HA!"_

The giant robot car that roared over the gate and descended towards the realm of the living, scattering any and all fairies that had been in its flight path, was so anomalous that it rose beyond such things as fact and fiction. In complete defiance of the Hakurei line and Yukari's countermeasures, Megas and its crew were back in Gensokyo.

At the top of the flight of stairs, a battered-looking Youmu stood and stared down at where Megas had gone. Her mind was completely filled with confusion and dread at what had just happened and _how._ From what she had heard before, the machine had caused a wealth of damage to the Forest of Magic and the surrounding area; sure, they had mostly recovered by now, but letting such a thing _return_ to torment the living ate at her being. _Those people had no right to show up like that and then_ leave _just like that! Gensokyo is in danger again, and I was powerless to do anything about it! That clinches it. I have to work on modifying my combat style so that it can have some level of effectiveness against beings much larger than I am. I will not let Yuyuko-sama down again!_

A sniff and a sad whimper got Youmu's attention, and she turned around to see what the matter was. Yuyuko was hovering just a few centimeters off the ground, lips quivering and her eyes filled to the brim with tears; somewhere behind her were a great number of smoldering and broken sakura branches. "Yuyuko-sama?" Youmu questioned, unsure how to comfort her in the wake of what had just happened.

The voice came out as a whine. "Youmu..."

"Yes? Yuyuko-sama, what is wrong?"

"...you absolutely _have_ to try this," Yuyuko finished, holding out a paper bucket filled with a pinkish-white substance of some kind; Youmu noted that some of it had already been eaten. "This bubblegum ice cream they gave me is so good, it's to die for!"

"..."

Lacking anything to say in reply, Youmu was left with no recourse but to roll her eyes skyward and sigh in exasparation. _Of course..._

/-/-/-/-/

A half hour's worth of time later found Megas parked outside Eientei's front entrance. The machine was silent for now, and various rabbits- - -both youkai and not- - -were clustered around its feet, investigating it curiously.

Inside one of Eientei's long halls, Eirin quietly watched as Tewi guided the trio of humans out of the building, their voices echoing back to her. She looked around until she was sure that no one was watching, then pulled out a fan and waved it before her face for a bit. _Whew... that was as severe a test as any_ I've _ever offered. I've met my share of dense people, but I don't know how those two haven't managed to die by stupidity just yet._

_At least Andru-san got the hint and steered them out of here before the princess made her appearance. I don't believe she'd really do it, but the mental image of Kaguya marrying_ that _kind of person isn't a pretty one._

Behind her, a door slid open; Eirin quickly put the fan away before her favorite rabbit noticed it. Sure enough, it was Reisen who spoke: "Alright, everything's in the other room. Why do you think they gave those things to us, master?"

"There are any number of reasons, Udonge. Wanting to get on the princess's good side or ours, infiltration, boredom, simple goodwill... but I don't believe that they mean us any _intentional_ harm, and that soldier has bigger things to worry about than the might of our former homeland. I'm inclined to believe that what they were saying was true, that they are 'back in town' because circumstances required them to give presents to their acquaintances here."

"'Acquaintances' is stretching it a bit, master," Reisen said as she stopped at Eirin's side, ears twitching at the pleased comments from Kaguya in the room behind them. "I met them only briefly, and they never saw the rest of us here." She looked up at her, feeling lost. "Since when does it warrant gifts of such...?" she trailed off, unable to find the right word.

"Humans are capable of more change than I've given them credit for," Eirin conceded reluctantly. "That, or I need to start paying more attention to events outside Gensokyo. You have more experience dealing with them than I do, even if it isn't much. What is your opinion of these outsiders?"

/-/

Reisen didn't like Coop and Jamie by any stretch. The both of them represented everything she disliked about their race. On the other hand, she felt that Kiva- - -for a human- - -was surprisingly easy to get along with. Both of them had backgrounds in their respective militaries, and neither of them were serving at present, albeit for drastically different reasons. Both of them had to put up daily with others who were good-natured and whimsical. Thirdly, they both knew what it was like to adjust to entirely new circumstances.

And lastly, unlike her associates, Kiva had some idea of the word "respect". Thankfully, Eirin had been on hand to fix _that_ little mess. _Seriously, Jamie. Telling me I'm cute is one thing, but trying to ask_ me _of all people out is taking it too far._

Reisen told Eirin as much, rephrasing the part that concerned the doctor directly so as not to offend her in any way. Her left hand twitched a bit, still stinging minutes after having slapped Jamie out of Date-Asking Mode.

Quietly, she wondered just how the outsiders were going to fare in Gensokyo at night, brazenly traveling around in that giant machine. However it worked at night where they were from, and even taking into account their actions during the day, the starlight hours in these parts were a whole other kettle of fish. While lesser youkai and bog-standard fairies weren't likely to bother them, the much stronger varieties tended to roam about at night, including those that didn't _need_ physical strength to be a serious threat. It... concerned her some, admittedly.

She didn't owe Coop or Jamie anything, but perhaps as a favor to a fellow soldier, she could volunteer to fly alongside and use her abilities as a means of warding off potential attackers? It would make the journey that much safer and quicker.

Reisen steeled herself, opened her mouth to speak- - -...

"Permission granted, Udonge."

...and tilted over sideways, caught off guard. Had her facial expressions given herself away? "...Wha?"

"Setting up the equipment they donated is going to take some time, and the requirements I have in mind are beyond your abilities. Also, if you're thinking they'll need a bodyguard, I agree; do you really trust them to keep themselves confined to Megas, even knowing that Gensokyo's nights are dangerous for the unwary?"

A miko's angry face filled Reisen's imagination, and she shivered. "And if Hakurei finds out that I didn't protect outsider humans from harm when I had the chance..."

"Don't worry too much," Eirin said reassuringly. "I think we'd know if she ate rabbit stew, and even if she did you would probably give her indigestion anyway."

Reisen's ears stood straight up, and her face turned red out of mortification and anger. _"For goodness sake, Master...!"_

"I was speaking metaphorically," the Brain of the Moon added without missing a beat. Somewhere in the background, Megas's engines were heard starting up. "If I was joking, then of _course_ it would have been in poor taste."

Reisen squeezed her eyes closed in exasparation, ears drooping again. _The things I put up with for their sake..._ "Alright," she said, opening her eyes and turning to go. "I'll see if I can catch up with them..."

Eirin stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Wait a moment, Udonge. You'll need these." She pressed a few small glass containers into the rabbit's hand.

Reisen stared at them curiously. "What are these?"

"Some herbs and seasonings from the kitchen."

_"Master, not funny!"_

/-/-/-/-/

Megas flew along over the bamboo, making good time as it headed for the Forest of Magic. Its headlights shone down on the extensive canopy, illuminating its path on this cloudy night. There were no giant fairies to hinder them this time, so the path was clear.

"So far, so good," Coop was saying as he drove. "That ghost lady liked the food, and the moon princess was happy too."

"Just to have visitors." Although a bit wary of their surroundings, Kiva didn't seem to mind the road trip they were on. "Technically she _is_ in exile and her standards are out of date, so she wouldn't be going out much."

"As long as they ain't mad at us, I'm not complaining." Coop looked up at the car's roof in thought for a moment. "...Though now I'm wishing I'd bought some more of that Orange Craze for Alice. She loved the stuff."

"I'm just glad I could get that one rabbit chick's phone number," Jamie said, smiling. "Though the long-distance calls are gonna be expensive."

"...Jamie, they don't have telephones here," Kiva reminded him.

"...What? Then..." Jamie unfolded the paper that the "rabbit chick" had given him and looked at it. "...! Hey, no fair! I can't read this!"

/-/

_"Tewi, why are you gazing out into the bamboo with that strange look?"_

_"Well, after I told that 'Jamie' human that I was older than I looked, he asked me for my phone number. I thought I'd play a joke on him and write down some numbers at random."_

_"That seems normal for you, so what's the problem?"_

_"He never said what a 'phone' was, Eirin."_

_"..."_

_"And I think he was speaking a different language, too."_

_"...Never mind."_

/-/

"Jamie, just quit while you're only behind a little," Kiva suggested. "It's obvious that no one here is impressed with you."

"Hey, a guy can dream," Jamie said, slumping a little in disappointment. He crumpled up the paper and tossed it out the window.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/

A disconcerting feeling penetrated the haze of sleep. Thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance, which Alice vaguely found strange. A different kind of rumbling shook her home repeatedly, then stopped.

All was quiet and peaceful. Alice settled back against her pillows, expecting to fall back asleep shortly, but the bad feeling wouldn't go away- - -...

_**Buh-buh-buh-baaa-buh buh-buh-buh-baaa-buhhhh, buh-be-buh-buh-buh-ba-buhhhh.** _

An awful noise cut through her hearing, souring her mood. Alice kept her eyes shut and her ears open, waiting for whatever it was to go away so that she could go back to sleep. Youkai or not, she _wanted_ her eight hours of rest, so as far as she was concerned the cause of her distress could just go to- - -...

_**Buh-buh-buh-baaa-buh buh-buh-buh-baaa-buhhhh, buh-be-buh-buh-buh-ba-buhhhh.** _

Alice's eyes shot open as the horrible feeling intensified. Jumping out of bed, she formed a solitary bullet for use as a makeshift candle and shoved open the curtains to see what was making that musical racket...

...And found herself staring straight at a giant metallic foot, the area lit up by lights somewhere up above. She shook her head repeatedly, backing away from the window and quickly dispersing the bullet she held. _Please, in the name of whomever may be listening, please let this be a nightmare, please not reality, please not- - -..._

"Alice!" a familiar voice called down from somewhere above, muffled by the closed windows. "Hey, Alice! You home? Got a delivery for you!"

It took a few moments for Alice to withdraw her face from her hands. _I don't know why I even dream at all,_ she thought as she quickly dressed and prepared herself to deal with Coop, _when the world around me is strange enough._

/-/-/-/-/

Far as Reimu was concerned, it had been an all-around decent day. No problems with youkai... at least, no _serious_ problems. She'd spent some time shooting the breeze with Marisa and just plain relaxing, which she appreciated in light of the stress that the repeated incidents this year had put her through. Her daily chores were carried out without a hitch. Suika stayed quiet and out of sight. Finally the miko had just spent the last few hours or so in discussion with Akyuu at the village, relating her experiences with the outsiders and Megas, and passing on second-hand knowledge to help solidify an entry for them in the next edition of the Chronicles.

Now she was on her way home, eagerly awaiting the presence of her futon and a good night's sleep. While Reimu wasn't particularly _cheery,_ she felt pleased with her life and with Gensokyo. As such she was smiling lightly, something which served to unnerve several non-humanoid youkai that were hiding in the trees; far as they were concerned, it was not a good thing if the resident incident resolver was smiling. Smiles from her typically meant that _someone_ was going to get a wave of needles chucked at them.

As she flew along at a leisurely speed, Reimu remembered a little tune that someone in the village had been humming while she'd been there. Feeling the urge to do the same, she slowly breathed in and- - -...

_buh-buh-buh-baaa-buh buh-buh-buh-baaa-buhhhh, buh-be-buh-buh-buh-ba-buhhhh._

Reimu halted and clapped both hands over her mouth, surprised. That wasn't the song she was going to hum!

_...Wait, did I really just hum that?_ Immediately her mind started racing. _No, that wasn't... had to have been something else. Youkai with a terrible sense of music? Fairy prank? Broken horn?_

She listened carefully, waiting for the sound to repeat itself. It had faded in volume with distance, but it still had to be...

_buh-buh-buh-baaa-buh buh-buh-buh-baaa-buhhhh, buh-be-buh-buh-buh-ba-buhhhh._

There it was. _Off in... that direction, I think._

Reimu directed her flight upwards, taking her high enough to see over the treetops and clear into the distant Forest of Magic. Her vision was limited at this time of the evening, and the moon was mostly shrouded by clouds, but she still had the feeling that _something_ worth investigating was out that way.

Trusting her intuition, she flew off as fast as she was capable. Back at the path she'd just left, the youkai who'd been watching her breathed sighs of relief.

/-/-/-/-/

_**Buh-buh-buh-baaa-buh buh-buh-buh-baaa-buhhhh, buh-be-buh-buh-buh-ba-buhhhh.** _

Patchouli looked up sharply, attention drawn by the far-off musical cacophany. She was still several miles away from her destination, and she had yet to be attacked by anything or anyone. While she was happy for that, as it meant that there weren't any incidents in progress for her to stumble across, it seemed that life had seen fit to throw an obstacle of sorts in her way regardless.

As she flew, she kept her head tilted to the side to keep whatever was making that noise in her field of vision. There were any number of legendary creatures that made loud, disturbing sounds at night, though none of those that she'd heard of matched the sort of sounds this one was making. The distant silhouette seemed rather blocky, with large fins next to where its head should be- - -...

~/-/

_A night in a foreign land, with exhaustion brought on by a very stressful day..._

~/-/

_Clunky little pictures and text, manipulated by a device connected to a box, and an odd sense of fascination..._

~/-/

_Hesitation as a large sandwich on a plate was offered to her, not eager to try the foods that must be common in..._

~/-/

_Giant monsters and aliens attacking that were far outside of her experience, including a warlord with a personal vendetta against..._

~/-/

_"...Vegas has no power and the convention center was wrecked."_

_"Well then, I guess there won't be any lines for the all-you-can-eat buffet!"_

~/-/

The faded memories of dreams long gone slipped away from her subconscious, but Patchouli knew _immediately_ what that silhouette had to be. Her pupils shrank to pinpoints, her system surged with adrenalin, and her flight-or-fight instinct screamed at her to fly, _fly,_ _ **fly.**_ Dropping in height to use the trees as cover, she put on a burst of speed and tried to reach Marisa's residence as quickly as possible. She determined that if she hurried, she should be able to finish her business there before things went South.

_As the Ebony Wizard is my witness, I am_ _**not** _ _going to entrap myself in that menacing monstrosity a second time!_

/-/-/-/-/-/

Jamie and Kiva gave Coop a long look, suggesting that neither of them were thrilled about what he'd done to get Alice's attention.

Coop shrugged at them, unashamed. "What? I liked that horn. Why _wouldn't_ I replace it?"

"How about the fact that you've probably woken up most of Gensokyo?" Kiva asked testily. "It wouldn't have killed you to just knock on the door."

"You just had to say it in _this_ place." Jamie grumbled. "Didn't the batgirl at the Mansion say that there's no shortage of creatures here that could throttle us if we didn't respect them?"

"It was _nighttime_ here when we left Jersey City," the soldier told them. "It's a little late to complain about that."

"...Well, whatever." Jamie smiled out the window. "At least there's no shortage of girls to talk to, either."

Coop listened to the idling engines for a bit before chipping in. "So how's that coming along for you?"

"...Could be better, man. Could be better."

"Technically, most of the girls we've met here _are_ creatures that can throttle you," Kiva said. "It's probably best if you put words to actions and _respected them."_

"This place is paradise, Kiva. Don't ruin it for me."

Kiva was saved the trouble of expressing her exasparation by the sound of a door opening from down below. Alice flew up to Megas's head and alighted next to Coop's door, letting the others take in her appearance by the interior lighting; while she was mostly presentable, her self-named hairband was gone and her eyes kept shifting between blue and yellow. "Coop," she greeted, nodding. "Jamie. Rude and culturally insensitive as always. Miss Andru, a pleasure."

Kiva nodded. "Did we wake you up?" She glared at the others. "I _told_ you two that leaving for here as early as we did was a bad idea."

"Are you kidding me? If we left later, I'd be missing the grand opening of Bernie's Burger Buffet!" Coop stated, indignant. " _Not_ making that mistake twice!"

Alice's eyes finally settled on blue, even as they briefly rolled skyward. "I guess it can't really be helped... so why did you wake me up out of a sound sleep?"

/-/-/

"..."

_They can't be serious._

"..."

_Okay, they_ are _serious._ "Gifts?"

"Gifts," the trio chorused.

"You traveled thousands of miles across a continent and an ocean, got through a dimensional barrier that laughs in the face of science, and willingly took the risk that I'd be in a bad mood just to give me a _gift?_ "

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Jamie confirmed.

Alice stared at them, thoroughly flummoxed. "You... I... _arrrghh. ..._ I hope you realize that I'm not responsible for getting you out of Gensokyo safely. You brought this one upon yourself!"

Coop waved it off. "That's okay. That ghost lady said she'd wake up Yukari and have her do it. No biggie."

Alice's shoulders slumped. "If the day ever comes when I understand you... _Fine._ Where's this gift you want to give me?"

/-/-/-/-/

"..."

_They can't be serious._

"..."

_Okay, they_ are- - -... _wait, I already thought that._ "This..."

"This?" the three outsiders asked.

Alice was hovering in front of Megas's head, using its headlights to better examine what she'd just been given. Held in both hands was a long, fine scarf, done up in varying shades of brown and orange. An emblem that she couldn't decipher was embroidered at one end of the fabric, making her wonder for a moment just whose it was. Something about it all seemed to take her back, past the day when the portal between Gensokyo and Makai was opened, when dollmaking and puppeteering became a way of life, when she began looking up to Shinki as a mother figure, to a time and place that eluded her...

It wasn't in the colors she would have preferred, true, but still... _I think I like it. Yes, this will do wonderfully._

"Hey, you alright over there?" Coop called out.

"I'm fine," Alice heard herself say, not fully paying attention to him. "Just... daydreaming."

"Does it meet your standards?" Kiva wanted to know.

"Flat-out _exceeds_ them." Alice nodded, smiling for the first time that evening. "Yes, I will keep this, thank you."

"Say, Alice- - -" Jamie started to speak.

"'No' is the answer," Alice interrupted without looking up from the scarf. "It doesn't matter what the question is."

"Jamie, what did we just get through talking about?" Kiva asked, irritated at the disappointed slacker.

Coop swallowed a mouthful of a triple-decker sandwich that he had the foresight to bring with him. "It's like the planet of the Space Amazons all over again."

Jamie's tone of voice indicated a weak defense on his part. "So what? I'm still going to dream."

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Patchouli's head poked over the treetops. So far, Megas's silhouetted form seemed content to remain parked near the puppeteer's house. _Good. Give me six minutes, and I'll be out of here with as many books as I can carry... and on the off-chance that I can catch Marisa off-guard with a duel, I should be able to coerce her into assisting me once I win._

The librarian dropped back down out of sight and descended to the ground. Not thirty meters away, Marisa's repaired abode was visible between the trees. She exited the Forest's cover to take a closer look, noting as she did so that there were no candles or lanterns of any kind providing illumination through the windows, only a few dim globes of magical energy posted near both sides of the door. There _was_ a little bit of smoke from the chimney, but much less than there should have been. _Excellent. She must have called it a night and decided to sleep already._

Patchouli remained where she was, formulating her plan of attack. _I believe she mentioned once that she was interested in opening a shop here, so perhaps she has something set up near the door to alert her when someone enters through there. I don't know which room she sleeps in, and logically I'd want to enter at the farthest point in the building to keep from waking her up, which means I'll need to use a mix of fire and metal magic to enter through the window- - -..._

"Hi! Whatcha doing- - - _MMMPPHH!"_

A particularly brave and friendly fairy saw her standing there and attempted to greet her, but was rewarded with Patchouli's hand immediately covering her mouth. "Quiet," the librarian hissed. "I'm trying to take care of something important. Don't make any noise, don't move, don't even breathe."

The fairy tilted her head in confusion as her mouth was uncovered. "Um, kind of need to breathe to... never mind," she squeaked, voice dropping in volume at Patchouli's terrifying glare. "I get what you mean."

"Good." Patchouli turned away from the fairy and went back to staring at the house, muttering to herself in low tones. "Now, assuming that didn't alert her, I should be able to- - -"

"Been awake the whole time, ze."

Patchouli growled in frustration and whirled to face where the voice had come from. Sure enough, Marisa was sitting on her broom overhead; the librarian noted that there was a baldric of sorts worn across her dress and apron, with a glass flask and several small tools secured to it. "Kirisame," Patchouli greeted her, making sure to let a little hostility into her tone. "I was under the impression that humans _slept_ at this time of night."

"I've got big plans tonight," Marisa said unashamedly, smiling. "Couldn't sleep if I tried. What about you? Don't tell me you flew all the way out here just to say hello. Didn't give me time to make any tea."

"I don't know _where_ you get your delusions, laser-brain," Patchouli retorted, taking flight and raising herself up to Marisa's level. "You know full well why I came here to _your_ house after dark."

"Snippy, are we?"

"And I'm about to get even snippier." Patchouli flipped open her spellbook and readied herself for battle. "I'm only going to say this once. _Give me what is mine."_

A head shake. "Nuh-uh. I'm not finished with them."

"And _when_ will you be finished with them, as if I didn't already know?"

Marisa tapped her knuckles thoughtfully. "I figure... about sixty years or so. Maybe seventy, even."

Patchouli shook her head. "That's not good enough. Give me- - -"

"You ever notice something funny? Each time I help resolve an incident, I feel younger than I should. It's weird, but I like it."

"I said _give me- - -"_

_**vroooooommmmmm** _

Patchouli's blood turned to ice as Megas's engines howled in the distance. Closer still, the lingering fairy that had tried to greet her panicked and fled. _Already?! Blast it, Coop! What are you_ up _to over there?_

Marisa perked up, and a wide beaming grin stretched across her face. "Oh hey, with you showing up, I almost forgot! That metal thing everyone was talking about is back, ze! Think they'll let me come along?"

A terrible, terrible mental image hit Patchouli just then: Marisa in control of Megas, and a giant crater where the Mansion used to be. Mathematically speaking, the odds of that happening were so astronomical that they could be considered borderline impossible, but for her that fact was _far_ from her mind. "Don't you _dare- - -"_

"Hey, looks like they're heading this way," Marisa said excitedly. "I'm going to meet them halfway and see if they'll let me! Another time, Patchy!"

_"Kiri- - -!"_ Patchouli started to shout, but before she could finish Marisa had already jetted away. She closed her spellbook and started to fly after her...

...but paused as she realized that with Marisa gone, it would be easy for her to break into her home and take her books back. She turned back towards the house...

...

_-The Mansion was in ruins, and Megas gathered what was left of the library into its hands while Marisa cackled like a maniac...-_

...

...but the mental image would _not_ leave her mind. Muttering something foul under her breath, Patchouli took off after her monochromatic pain in the neck. At least for now, her books could wait.

/-/-/-/-/-/

Megas hadn't really been heading towards Marisa's home. That had been the intention, but since Coop had never been there before all he could really do was guess, and that guess was several degrees and at least eight kilometers off.

The Seven-Colored Puppeteer was with them. Curiosity had overcome Alice's better judgment, and since she was already awake and dressed she decided that she might as well see this through. Since her top speed was nowhere close to Megas's _cruising_ speed, she was instead clinging to one of its fins as it flew, eyes squeezed shut against the rushing air and scarf flapping in the wind.

It was a good thing she _had_ come along, since they really had _no_ idea where they were going. It was only when Coop wondered aloud where "that laser girl" lived that everything became clear, and Alice was able to point them in the right direction without facepalming first. Otherwise, she figured they'd probably cover at least half of Gensokyo without figuring anything out.

They were about four kilometers away from Marisa's home when the entire situation cannonballed into the insanity pool. A dozen colorful starry bullets cut across Megas's path, and Coop had to put on the brakes to keep Megas from colliding with them. The sudden stop made Alice let go of Megas's fin, and she took flight on instinct to prevent a fall.

"Where on earth did _those_ come from?" Jamie asked, nervous and a little bit shaken from what had just happened.

"None of your guesses count," Kiva said with a touch of resignation, pointing out the windshield. "We've found our next recipient."

...

"Heyyyy!" Marisa shouted when she got close enough, waving. "Why are you flying around all over, ze? I thought you were heading to _my_ place!"

"We _were,"_ Coop defended himself. "We just decided to, uh... look around a bit, that's all."

"Took the scenic route," Jamie added.

"Had to get our bearings first," Kiva continued.

"In short, they got lost," Alice finished.

Coop thought for a moment. "...Dunno if that's the same thing."

Marisa blinked, looking surprised. "Oh hey, Alice! When did you get here?"

A soft sigh as Alice shook her head. "And _there_ it is. Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"What, and miss out on tonight's plans? I'm having myself a party at Patchy's place," Marisa declared. "'Tonight by midnight. Provide your own drinks. Show consideration to the staff by taking home your own books.'"

_"Summer Red."_

A blistering, human-sized fireball almost caught both Marisa and Alice unawares, but they were able to evade it in time. As scaled-down as the projectile was compared to Megas, Coop was able to dissipate it just by flicking at it.

Patchouli flew into view, stopping herself within talking distance of her fellow magicians. She was visibly upset, eyes narrowed and her spellbook glowing orange. "Your party is cancelled," she warned in a no-nonsense voice. "Remilia and I are responsible for the invitations, and we never sent any out."

Megas waved at her. "Hey, Patchy!" Coop greeted her. "Good seeing you again!"

Patchouli shuddered. "Oh, no. The pleasure's mine," she forced through her teeth. "And call me 'Patchouli', please. Only Remilia gets to call me that."

"'Pache', you mean," Alice corrected. "You're slipping."

"Why not?" Jamie pointed at Marisa. " _She_ gets to call you that."

"That's because she doesn't care one bit whether she offends people or not. She doesn't count. And Alice, I know full well what Remi calls me. Don't presume to correct me." Patchouli paused for a moment, ignoring Marisa's proud face, then turned towards the outsiders with a calmer expression. "Jamie, if you don't mind, I've got a ques- - -"

"Wait!" someone called out. "Wait, wait, waaaiiiit!"

Everyone present, including Megas, turned to where a speeding Reisen was fast approaching. "Andru-san, the rest of you! I need to talk to you!"

"'The rest of you'? What?" Coop wondered aloud. "Didn't we give our names to her?"

"Quiet a moment, Coop." Kiva waved at Reisen, beckoning her towards the car and calling out to her. "What is it you need?"

Reisen stopped a meter or so short of Megas, far enough away to be comfortable yet close enough for her to make herself heard. "I'm glad I caught up to you," she said after a moment. "This is important, so please listen to me!"

"Go on..."

"I'm requesting to serve as your guide the rest of the night," Reisen explained. "There's too many dangerous and ugly monsters running around for it to be safe here."

"Nothing a Master Spark or two can't handle," Marisa declared, folding her arms. Her mini-hakkero was clenched in one hand. "They're in good hands, trust me."

"... ...Anyway, as I said, may I serve as your guide for tonight?" Reisen requested again. "There's too many dangerous and ugly monsters running around for it to be safe here- - -..."

"Hey, who are you calling 'ugly', ze?!" Marisa yelled, indignant. "I'm the prettiest magician this side of Gensokyo!"

"No," Alice denied. "You're the _Ordinary_ Magician, not the _Pretty_ Magician. There's a difference."

"Please. Like _you_ two are such prizes!"

"Leave me out of this." Patchouli drew a Spell Card from her sleeve. "I'm here to deluge you in danmaku and get my books back, not to get involved in any ridiculous popularity contests."

"So, what you're saying is that you have no problem with Reisen calling you 'ugly'?" Marisa questioned her.

"I have standards and I will stick to them, but that does _not_ mean I'm going to forget your transgressions."

" _I_ think she's good-looking," Jamie piped up.

"Faint praise indeed," Reisen murmured, becoming increasingly perturbed as she found herself losing control of her visit just as it began.

Something in Reisen's comment put Patchouli on edge. "If you have something to say, rabbit, say it where we can hear you."

"Fine, I will." Reisen turned towards them, eyes glowing. "Will the lot of you be quiet for a _minute_ and let me finish my business with the outsiders? This is important."

Alice shook her head. "If you're referring to guiding them, I was already going with them. They'll be fine."

"Those dolls of yours aren't going to be enough." Reisen tapped her temple. "If they're going to get around those who aren't afraid to tangle with a gigantic machine, thus getting home _peacefully,_ they'll need my eyes."

"Why should they?" Marisa retorted. "Nothing here will cause a problem that a giant metal fist to their face can't solve."

Coop beamed at this.

Reisen's fists tightened, and she drifted down and away from Megas to address Marisa. "You're missing the point. If you think the only threatening youkai in Gensokyo are the ones that rely on brute force, you're wrong!"

"Brute force, uncanny magic, it makes no difference to me." Marisa smiled dangerously. "All it takes is an annihilation of love and a lot of guts."

The others shook their heads at this, but it was one of the outsiders that chose to interrupt. "Question," Jamie called out. "Do you think that rainbow orbs of death would solve the problem, too?"

"Maybe," Marisa responded. "Why?"

Jamie pointed somewhere off to the side. "Because _that."_

...

_"Spirit Sign: Fantasy Orb."_

...

"Because what- - - _oof!"_

None of the four were able to react in time to the ambush. Ten meter-sized spheres of light slammed into them, three each for Marisa and Reisen and two each for Alice and Patchouli. All four of them were blasted downwards into a series of flips, but since none of them were subjected to the Spell Card's full strength, they were able to recover their flight in time before they crashed into the trees.

The group rose to meet their assailant, not eager to face this one in particular. "... ...Wow, Reimu," Marisa admitted, one hand on her gut where the miko's attack had struck her. "You seem angry."

"What gave it away?" Reimu hissed, gohei in one hand and some needles in the other. "Those three being here again with something that I specifically wanted gone? A gathering of youkai that could possibly cause a serious threat? Or maybe it's because I was having a relaxing evening until you lot had to ruin it!"

Reisen shook her head. "Hello? _Lunar_ rabbit here. Do I seriously look like a youkai to you?"

"It's easier to think of you four as a collective in this situation. Don't distract me."

"Hey, take it easy. This isn't what it looks like," Coop said, trying to stop things before they got out of hand. Megas's hands raised in a placating gesture.

It wouldn't be that easy to defuse Reimu's temper. "I'll deal with you in a minute, Coop. I've got some dangerous and ugly monsters to deal with."

"Contrary to what it seems, I'm not in the habit of causing trouble." Alice pulled out a Spell Card, and a squadron of dolls appeared around her. "I'm _trying_ to supervise a child's playtime."

"And I wanted to lend them protection so that you wouldn't get angry at me for negligence," Reisen claimed, grabbing a Spell Card of her own.

"I'm present because Marisa is a filthy, conniving thief," Patchouli said bluntly.

"Oi, oi," Marisa protested as she produced yet another Card. "First you call me ugly, and now you're saying I stink? I cleaned up before I left, honest!"

"You'd be better off cleaning up your _life_ as opposed to your skin," Alice informed her, turning away from Reimu. "There are times when you give some of us a bad name."

"Try _all_ the time," Patchouli muttered.

"Hey, you're no better off than me!" Marisa, too, decided to focus on someone other than Reimu. "If it weren't for us, you'd never leave the library at all!"

Patchouli shook her head. "My conscience is clear, black-white. If I ever attacked humans before we entered Gensokyo, it's because they sought out Remilia and attacked us first."

Marisa waved it off. "I wasn't talking about that. You showed up at my house trying to steal my books, ze. That just ain't right."

Reimu's eye twitched. "Am I being ignored...?"

"Don't try to turn this around on me," Patchouli hissed to Marisa. "There isn't enough room in your logic to swing a rabbit around."

"Pick something better to say," Reisen warned, her free hand pointed at the librarian like a gun. "You could use some work on your metaphors."

"Mind your own business. This is between me and the rat, no one else." Patchouli aimed her spellbook at Reisen. "Unless you like being rabbit stew, in which case feel free to fly between us."

"I don't need to catch your eyes to be a distraction!" Reisen proclaimed... then scowled. "Wait, that didn't come out right..."

"Sure sounded right to me," Alice said with a thin smile. "You're probably prettier than the rest of us."

"Don't try to flatter me, Margatroid," Reisen warned, ignoring Marisa's cry of 'Forget you!'. "I'm not some useless little bunny meant to stand around and look beautiful."

"True," Patchouli stated. "You're taller than us too if you count the ears."

_"Seriously, not funny!"_

...

...

"...They're actually having this discussion," Kiva said disbelievingly as the group bickered. "Really?"

Reimu tried to stay angry in light of everyone ignoring her, but found she was getting more exasparated than truly furious. She flew up and landed to the right of Megas's head to better speak with Kiva. "Believe me, Andru-san. Fights have started in Gensokyo for far less."

"Any way we can calm them down?" Coop inquired. "There's a buffet waiting for me, and I want to be there to see it."

"You have some explaining to do when this is all over, but... I should still be able to handle this myself. As riled up as we all are, only a Spell Card match will settle them down. I'm not sure why they haven't started yet."

Kiva pondered this. "Well, since there's five of you... a tournament of some kind?"

Reimu rejected that notion. "That would take too long. It would be best to have a free-for-all instead."

"Wait... there are provisions in the Spell Card rules for that?"

"Yes, though the circumstances don't crop up often enough for it to be a common thing," Reimu explained. "It requires there to be four or more people involved, none of which are actively teamed up against each other or are likely to do so. There also needs to be plenty of space to maneuver in light of the volume of danmaku. If either of those conditions aren't met, then the free-for-all wouldn't fly. Only one Spell Card can be used per participant, and the winner is whoever is left standing at the end."

"Well, don't let us get in your way," Jamie said, waving her off. "Do your thing."

Reimu quickly considered whether to respond to Jamie's dismissal appropriately, then sighed as she decided that the others' argument had gone on long enough. Without further ado, she dropped down into the middle of the group and tossed an assortment of paper amulets towards all four of them, generating Cautionary Barriers that shoved them away from each other.

...

"...Let me guess," Alice said after the group had fully recovered from the impacts. "We were too noisy."

"And too ridiculous," Reimu chastised her. "You're behaving like children, the whole lot of you."

"...Well, I _have_ always thought of myself as a child at heart," Marisa reluctantly admitted.

"Tell us something we _don't_ know," Patchouli grumbled, eyes towards the ground as she silently acknowledged Reimu's words.

Marisa nodded agreeably. "Okay. When I was still apprenticing, I had an accident with a magic experiment and turned my hair red for several months."

Reimu blinked. "...Wait, so _that_ was why... never mind," she said, recovering. "Anyway, I'd like to get some sleep at some point tonight, and Coop has to take care of... whatever it is he's here to take care of, so what say we just settle this with a free-for-all Spell Card match?"

Inevitably, the inquiries about that particular aspect of the system began. Reimu took a minute to tell the group what she'd just gotten done telling the outsiders, and by the end of it they seemed more or less alright with the idea. Reisen didn't seem especially _thrilled_ \- - -in fact, she'd seemed very nervous in Reimu's presence for some reason- - -but she went along with it just the same.

At last the group split apart, backing off far enough away to a suitable distance to prevent anyone from trying to claim an instant victory. Reimu prepared herself for combat, gohei at the ready and a favorite Card of hers between her fingertips.

_...I can't believe all this time I thought she was wearing a wig._

/-/-/-/

Marisa, being quick on the trigger and more eager to duel, was the first to declare her attack. The others weren't too far behind, and piece by piece the air around them exploded with energy.

_"Love Sign: Non-Directional Laser!"_

" _Moon Sign: Silent Silene!"_

_"Spy Sign: Seeker Dolls!"_

_"Dream Sign: Duplex Barrier!"_

_"Illusion Bomb: Mind Starmine!"_

Rotating lasers that spun in one direction, then dissolved and reformed before spinning the other way. An ever-widening, ever-shrinking shield of light beams that protected its caster like a shroud. A swarm of dolls attacking from above, striking away incoming shots with perfect accuracy and slowly working to whittle down the enemies' shields. Amulets by the bucketful, disappearing into and being jettisoned out of a set of translucent barriers. Bullets that shot away from their caster and exploded around her like bombs, sweeping away energy and threatening to catch the others in their blast radius. All the while the air was being saturated with stars, cone-shaped, human- and fist-sized danmaku of all colors.

The sheer amount of lighting in the area could've blinded the unprepared, but it wasn't the first time anyone in the group had fought during the night. All five of them successfully dodged the initial onslaught, then took to weaving about the air in patterns that became increasingly complex the longer the battle continued. Their evasive actions weren't perfect by any stretch, but getting hit only a few times was preferable to multiple times. They _needed_ that evasion, considering how clogged up the space between them was getting.

Between the focus everyone was devoting towards the match and the vast light and noise, Megas's presence was completely forgotten. No one noticed when the mech flew towards the sky to avoid stray fire.

/-/-/

If one could call a battlefield gorgeous, this was the situation where the description would have applied. Shame that Megas was nearly caught in the crossfire, or else Jamie would've appreciated it more; he liked cute girls, yes, but not if they were shooting at him. As it was, Coop directed the mech higher up to keep from getting caught in the immediate battle zone, and from time to time tapped the controls to allow some stray shots to fly past.

"...Whoa," Coop muttered to himself as he watched the fight. "Talk about your light shows."

"Can't say I've ever been to a rock concert that was _this_ violent," Jamie remarked. "Still, it's pretty cool."

"...Never thought I'd say this, but this display wouldn't be out of place during the war." Kiva shook her head, still amazed. "Shame this can't go on for too much longer if you want to keep your schedule."

"Yeah, but how is Coop going to tell them that?" Jamie asked as he gestured at the free-for-all. "Fat lot of good being polite will do against _this."_

"Well, I _do_ have some extra presents I can give 'em to make them quit," Coop said. "It's a little bit early, but... still doable."

"...What?" Kiva asked, her confusion with them once again rising to the fore. "Coop, this isn't the time or place for that! Just be patient and wait until they finish before you hand those out!"

Coop smiled. "Eh, it's alright. They've been starting sooner every year anyway."

His decision made, Coop reached out and thumbed a button labeled "'Tis the Season".

/-/-/

The first warning Alice received that something was wrong was the fast-paced drums-and-guitar ensemble that assaulted her hearing from somewhere overhead. Doing some mid-air acrobatics to evade eight of Reisen's mines and fourteen of Marisa's stars, she took a quick look skyward in mid-flip to satisfy her curiosity prior to retu- - -...

Before her widening eyes, Megas was undergoing a transformation. Missile launcher upon missile launcher was popping out of its shoulders, and the same on and around its torso, ankles and wrists. Small cannons were filling up the remaining surface space, and even larger cannons had taken the place of its hands. If that weren't enough, the ensemble's central weapon had grown to the point where it was longer than her entire _house_ was, and was _larger_ too if she discounted the tower. A sigil also appeared beneath Megas's feet, but there was too much light flying around for Alice to discern what it was.

_What? How did he get that arsenal in there?_

**Saturday Night: Super Destructor Mode**

"Eeep!" _AND WHY IS IT A SPELL CARD?!_

If the music, the change in background or the transformation hadn't gotten everyone's attention, what happened next sure did. Human-sized barrages were the expected norm in danmaku battles, but that was only because the combatants were human-sized themselves. Adding in _mech-sized_ barrages added a whole new wrinkle to the equation, that wrinkle being- - -...

_"Double dream in a duplex...!"_

...- - -well, maybe not quite like that, but Reimu had the right idea. As with the others she'd been in the middle of a gigantic minefield of energy when Coop began raining missiles down onto them. The limits of her abilities had been pushed hard with four skilled opponents, one of whom (Reisen) was using a Spell Card she wasn't quite familiar with yet, and dodging was becoming increasingly difficult. With a _fifth_ having entered the game, Reimu finally lost her focus and was struck by one of the Non-Directional Lasers, eliciting a somewhat creative curse.

And then the missiles hit. Even the smallest of them had a diameter as large as any of those engaged in the free-for-all, and the largest? ... Yes. Between them, the weakened shields and the myraid shots that already covered everything, no one was getting out of _this_ dance without some mashed toes; and by the looks on their faces (even Alice's dolls, strangely), they all knew it. On the plus side Megas's shots were dissipating all the bullets and lasers, but by then everyone was too out of position to care.

The hundreds of explosions that hammered 40,000 square meters worth of land was a pyromaniac's dream come true. In the midst of it all, though, no one saw the little glass flask that was launched clear of the fracas by their combined force.

...

"Ugh. Not even _remotely_ what I meant!"

_"So_ not cool, Coop."

"Uh... Oops?"

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

By the time the music faded out and the last of the attack's missiles had detonated, leaving deep, glassy craters everywhere they looked and clouds of dirt and dust in the air, peace between the five of them had been restored. Granted it was a peace brought about by semi-consciousness and a dazed sense of disbelief, but it was a peace regardless.

Reisen was the first to recover, pushing herself out the bottom of the crater she was half-buried in. _That's not fair,_ she complained internally, wiping dirt off her jacket the best she could. _I went to the Earth to_ escape _warfare, not have it brought to me._ She flinched as a couple of wood chips bounced off her head.

"... _Really_ regretting waking up right now," Alice complained as she stood up. The debris that still lingered in the air triggered a few coughs. "The next time I give myself good advice, I'm following it."

Another set of coughs from thirty feet away got her attention. "Hakurei, are you sure you can't make an exception _just this once?"_ Patchouli pleaded, her tone halfway between exasparated and tired.

"Just drop it already." Reimu steadied herself, then tightened one of her detached sleeves to keep the damaged fabric from falling off her arm. "You and the others have followed the rules so far, and you're _not_ going to break them just because Coop doesn't understand what 'consequences' mean."

"Aw, _yes!_ That was _awesome!"_

All heads turned in Marisa's general direction. "Figures," Alice commented as she and the others regained enough power to fly on over. "As long as I've known her, she's said that 'danmaku is power'. Now she thinks she's been proven right."

"Marisa, if you've become a fan of that thing, I swear- - -...!" Reimu huffed, flinching when Megas dropped down for a landing fifteen meters away from them.

"Not a fan, no," Marisa denied, double-checking her hat to make sure it wasn't smoldering. She seemed a bit put off that her baldric was heavily damaged, but apparently decided that it wasn't worth bringing up.

"Oh. That's good- - -" Reimu started to say...

...but was quickly cut off. "...But I _do_ think riding around up there must be a lot of fun, ze."

"If you hadn't convinced me during the endless night, I'm convinced now," Alice stated, rolling her eyes. "You are wall-to-wall _insane."_

"Nope," was the cheerful reply. "I'm Marisa."

Patchouli grimaced. "That's even worse."

"You girls done arguing yet?" Coop's voice echoed down to them. "I've got some stuff to hand out up here for anyone who wants it!"

"...Wait. Hand-outs?" Reimu asked aloud, blinking. "Is that why he's here?" She turned to the others. "An explanation would be helpful..."

"You guys stay put up there for a few minutes, okay?" Marisa shouted at Megas's head, waving at its occupants. "We'll be right with you, I promise!"

"Cue twenty minute discussion," Patchouli murmured. "I don't believe anything he could offer us would be worth the wait."

Alice feigned interest in her new scarf, which survived the fight with only minimal damage, instead of acknowledging Patchouli's comment. After a few seconds, she no longer had to fake said interest.

"...Okay, okay, I get it!" the bemused librarian barked at Alice as Marisa started laughing. Even Reisen and Reimu had to suppress chuckles at the sight. "He has valuable things for us. I get it. Now stop hugging that scarf!"

/-/-/-/-/-/-/

_Another night, another dream... that is real._

Somewhere deep inside the Garden of the Sun, a smiling beast in the guise of a woman sat on a blanket and gazed up at the night sky. Another day had passed, and winter edged ever nearer. Soon, white specks would descend from the sky. At that point, she would turn her attention to those plants and trees that laughed in the face of cold conditions; she'd know then that there just wouldn't be enough sunlight to make visiting the Garden worthwhile.

She hadn't cared one whit for the weather in recent months, or the rumor that the so-called "Destructive Sentinel" had rampaged through Gensokyo. She knew that those would also pass. Every day was just that: a day. It would show up, present its case, bow its head and leave. It would then be up to her to decide whether that case was fine or not.

The weather had ravaged Gensokyo, then left; the flowers had survived against all odds. The Sentinel had stormed Gensokyo, then left; again, the flowers had survived. She believed she'd caught a glimpse of the Sentinel when it passed near the Garden earlier that evening, but it flew away and did not disturb her or the sunflowers.

Yuuka Kazami had been around a long time and had witnessed many seasons. It felt like a lifetime ago since the day she volunteered to help stop a so-called "assault" from Makai out of boredom. Many of the details of that sojourn had been long forgotten by both herself and others, save the one individual who chose to leave Makai when everything was said and done. But that was alright; it was just another day. Nothing of note had happened, so it couldn't have been too important.

Another day. Another night and another dream, like the many hundreds of thousands before it.

A tiny rock hit the back of Yuuka's neck... or at least it felt like a tiny rock to her. Any human would not have survived getting hit by a glass flask that had travelled for miles at high speed through the air. Even some weaker youkai would've experienced a bit of pain. Yuuka was physically tough enough to withstand such things, and if the flask hadn't noisily shattered on contact she wouldn't have paid it any mind. _Hmm? What's that about, I wonder? I'm not detecting anyone in the Garden with any sort of power to throw that at me... wait a moment._

Something cold and powdery settled against the back of her neck, light green tresses and striped vest. She dabbed her fingers against it and raised it towards her eyes for a closer look. _Bluish-gray, plenty of power in it. Fairly potent... probably came from the Forest of Magic. If what I've heard is true, and that gutsy human who stole my Master Spark lives there nowadays, its creation was likely her doing... there's nothing youkai-like about this, so..._

Yuuka's eyes fell shut partway as the powder sunk into her hand and disappeared. She could tell without trying to look that the rest of it was doing the same. _...So, why is the powder reacting like this?_

_..._

_And why are the sunflowers shrinking?_

_..._

_No, it's not that. They're not getting any smaller._ _**I'm** _ _getting_ _**bigger** _ _._

Almost stumbling in order to do so, Yuuka stood up and took flight to prevent her increasing size from damaging the flowers. _Supposing it was Marisa's doing, what would she have to gain from it? It wouldn't make sense for it to be intentional..._ She looked down at the parasol in her hand, noting that it was getting larger as well. _My power feels like it is increasing by leaps and bounds. When we first met, it took everything Marisa had to keep pace with me while I was holding back. I think I can safely say that as far as it hitting me went, her involvement was accidental at best. Trying to pick a fight with me like this would be suicidal._

_..._

After a wait of several minutes, her perspective stopped shifting. Yuuka let her eyes wander, noting just how tiny everything looked to her now. She tested her movement, discovering that while her flight and overall rate of speed _seemed_ to be the same from her point of view, it would probably be fast when seen from ground level. She took aim with one hand at the distant horizon and fired a single flower bullet, watching as it disappeared at a speed the tengu would be envious of; as she had guessed, her power at normal size was nothing compared to this.

She didn't like it at all.

Looking about the Garden, she noticed some hills beyond it that were free of everything except grass. She flew over- - -slowly, so as not to harm anything in her wake- - -and sat down there, pondering her situation. _I can't take any walks like this, not without destroying the very things I love. As it is, I'd stick out like a sore thumb and draw unneeded attention to myself. My course is thus clear; depending on how long this takes to wear off, I will have to seek a means of reversing this._

Yuuka turned towards the distant Forest of Magic, or at least what she could see of it. There was a fair bit of smoke rising from that direction, and if she squinted she could see the Sentinel's silhouette, but she paid them no mind and instead fixed the Forest with a friendly smile. _Which means I'll be paying you a visit in the near future, Marisa Kirisame, so I hope your way of life is coming up roses._

/-/-/

Somewhere in Gensokyo, Seija Kijin sat down and schemed to turn society upside down. The combination of her ability and the fairies passing through made that difficult, though, as her thoughts alternated between coherent and incoherent. More than once she had to shake her head and close her eyes to get her thinking back on track.

She was still pondering what to do when Yuuka's test bullet roared on in, smashing into her with the force of a racecar with daisy decals. Seija crashed through a tree, both walls of a small dwelling, and was finally embedded deep inside a hillside. She groaned once at the indignity of it all before falling still, her plans on hold for now.

The fairies that witnessed this raised their hands and their voices in exultation. "Yay!"

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

"...So because Coop lied to his mother, he's back in Gensokyo again?" Reimu asked Alice, looking like she wanted to smack something with her gohei on general principles. "Did he already forget just how much damage he did the _first_ time he was here?"

"Dunno if I'd call it a lie, ze," Marisa told her. "It's not like we ever told him outright that we hated him. He could've thought we were his friends from that alone. Stranger things have happened."

Patchouli sighed reluctantly as she pinned her cap's crescent moon back on. "...She raises a good point, red-white. If any of us despised him for what he did, none of us informed him of it." _Although in retrospect I should have done that instead of immediately fleeing Megas at fight's end._

"How obvious does it have to be?" Reimu protested. "It should have been as plain as day to him! Yukari and I both wanted him gone, he traumatized _you,_ damaged large swathes of landscaping, endangered the Village, injured Marisa- - -"

"That last one wasn't his fault," Marisa interrupted. "Wrong place, wrong time for the both of us. I ain't mad at him."

Four seconds of silence. "Alice? Reisen? Either of you have any comments?" Reimu asked, prying her hand off her face.

Reisen shook her head. "I never interacted with him until the meal at Miss Scarlet's mansion. Until he showed up at Eientei this evening I didn't have a legitimate reason to hate him, and even then that's still up in the air. Dislike him, yes. Be wary of him, yes. Truly hating him? ... _Not yet._ The princess _was_ pleased with what he gave us, and for me that takes precedence."

Another six seconds went by before Alice realized that everyone was looking at her. Silently, she cursed herself for being distracted by the scarf's quality. "Same as Reisen for a different reason. Disaster-prone tendencies and cultural blindness aside- - -"

"Oh, come _on!"_ Reimu cried, frustrated.

"- - -they're all nice people, Miss Andru especially, and we all assumed that it was the only time they'd be in Gensokyo anyway."

Reimu took a quick look back at the outsiders to see if they were listening. They weren't; Coop was speaking animatedly with his friends about something, Megas's rumbling engine just loud enough to cover their words. She sighed irritably, shaking her head. "Amazing. Just amazing. I'm still having trouble believing that Coop's mother sent him back here on a 'gift-giving tour' because she thought he'd made friends who weren't... uh... what am I looking for here?"

"'Gamers and gearheads,'" Alice supplied. "His words. I don't understand what they mean."

Patchouli had the feeling that she knew what they meant, if the dreams she had were any sort of reference. Deciding that she didn't know how to explain it in terms that they'd understand, she erred on the side of silence.

"Well, with that answered, I guess one of us had better watch them and make sure they don't do anything stupid," Reimu said reluctantly. "It feels like crises follow them wherever they go, so if we can stop them before they start, terrific."

"Pick me! Pick me!" Marisa enthusiastically exclaimed, waving her hands excitedly.

"You just want to ride around in that thing's head and do who knows what," Patchouli grumbled. "If Reimu wants it done so badly, she can go herself."

"I never said I _wanted_ to do it," Reimu informed them. "I was just making a suggestion."

Reisen raised a hand, directing attention towards her. "I may as well go. As I said earlier, Master asked me to follow them and keep them safe anyway, so..."

"Oh, come on," Marisa protested. "I'm missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime here! Who _wouldn't_ want to sit on the shoulders of a traveling titan, ze? Let me go along!"

"Alternatively, Patchouli could go," Alice said. "Or even myself. Both of us have more experience dealing with Coop than the rest of you do, and I was out with them already anyway."

"You couldn't get me back in Megas for all the knowledge in the world." You could hear the ice solidifying on Patchouli's voice. "Let Reimu do it."

"I'm not going to disobey my Master's orders," Reisen warned them, eyes glowing threateningly. She looked ready to render the lot of them insane, never mind Reimu's presence. "Let me do my job!"

"Back off, you terrible rabbit person!" Marisa countered. " _I'm_ the shooting star here, not you!"

"Blatantly ridiculous. This goes beyond simple desires and commands," Reimu said, her voice slowly rising. "This is about _Gensokyo's safety_."

"Then why don't _you_ go?" Alice asked, becoming as fed up as the rest of them. " _You're_ the one who typically solves these things."

"Because I want to get some _sleep_ , that's why," Reimu shamelessly admitted. "If Megas hadn't showed up in Gensokyo again, I could've been doing that by now. The racket it was making carries a long way at night, and I was getting suspicious."

Patchouli flew a little bit closer to her. "So now you're foisting your job on us? No."

Reisen did the same. "Hey, this is something _I_ have to do, okay?"

Marisa followed suit, smiling dangerously. "Don't get in the way of my dreams, ze!"

Alice closed in. "Would you people stop being idiots already?"

There was a tense silence as the five of them glared at each other. Reimu's shoulders slumped first, but not because she was giving up. "Looks like there's only one real way to settle this," she muttered, raising her hand.

One by one, the others nodded and followed suit. With a matter such as this, it was time to leave the decision in the hands of the ultimate judge.

/-/-/-/-/

Coop drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. "...Wonder what's taking them so long."

Jamie gave the rear-view mirror a check, an eyebrow raising. "Looks like... they're playing rock-paper-scissors?"

Everyone gave each other confused expressions. "...Maybe they're trying to decide who gets to go up first?" Coop suggested.

"Maybe," Kiva said, not coming up with anything better. "Seems like a strange way to decide on something like that..."

/-/-/-/-/-/

_Two rocks, three paper. No clear winner._

_Five paper. Nothing there, either._

_Two scissors, two paper, and one... um..._ "Marisa, why with the thumbs up?" Alice asked, serving as the voice for the others' confusion.

"Thumbs up is dynamite," Marisa said matter-of-factly. "Beats paper and rock, loses to scissors."

Alice shook her head and groaned, annoyed. "Oh, for... Marisa, you can't have dynamite in jankenpon. Where did you even _discover_ dynamite, anyway?"

Marisa made a show of thinking back. "Well, I think I found it in one of my books maybe... four months ago?"

"One of _my_ books," Patchouli cut in.

"That's what I said. One of my books."

"No, Marisa. One of _my_ books."

Marisa regarded Patchouli with confusion. "I just said it was one of my books. Why are you repeating me, ze?"

Patchouli was quickly losing her temper. "Not one of _your_ books, Marisa. One of _my_ books. You know: _the ones I showed up at your house to take back?"_

"Who's this 'your' guy you keep talking about?" Marisa asked, scratching the back of her head. "And why does he want my books so badly?"

Patchouli's free hand closed into a fist. "If you fly back to your house and give me my books _right now,_ I might forget that you just called me a 'he'."

Beat. "...One of _my_ books? Now he's just being greedy."

"Oh for the love of Gensokyo, shut _up!"_ Reisen snapped, surprising everyone. "Forget the books, forget the dynamite, just _play_ the stupid game and get it over with! The night's not going to last forever, you know!"

For several long moments, the only sound was Megas's engines as the four other girls stared nonplussed at her. "...Um... are you... alright?" Alice brought herself to ask.

Reisen kept quiet but nodded, blushing over her uncharacteristic moment of fury. Finally, the three magicians sheepishly held out their hands to continue the game. Reimu nodded gratefully at Reisen for the intervention before following the others' lead, an action which garnered a relieved sigh from the rabbit.

Of course, now that Marisa had introduced dynamite to the game, the others had no reservations when it came to using it themselves. For the next minute or two, the game became that much crazier as all the participants tried using it to eke out a win at some point or another. Five more rounds passed, then ten. Fifteen.

Finally on the eighteenth round, a winner was decided. Reimu, Marisa, Alice, and Reisen had their hands held out, issuing thumbs-up to all parties...

"..."

...and Patchouli was staring at her hand as if it had declared open rebellion. "No..." she breathed softly. "No..."

"Four 'dynamite', one scissors," Reimu said. "Looks like Patchouli wins."

"Hmph." Marisa pouted and folded her arms. "No fair cheating."

Reisen looked for a few seconds like she wanted to go all 'Watership Down' on someone, then heaved a defeated sigh and shook her head, letting her arms hang limp and her eyes stop glowing.

"I'm just happy that _one of us_ is going to look after Coop for the duration of his stay," Alice commented, adjusting her scarf. She seemed alright with the outcome, and a bit relieved that the situation was out of her hands.

Patchouli? Since she'd been actively trying to _lose..._ well, not so much. Her eye twitched, and her hands trembled. Memories of the Suika fight, Coop's recklessness and her entrapment flashed through her thoughts one after another, followed closely by what she remembered of her dreams. _Me? In Megas's head again? A bodyguard for a fool? Remind me again why I thought leaving the library tonight was a good idea!_

"Oi, Patchy. You gonna be okay?"

Her eyes narrowed, and her face contorted into something resembling an angry snarl. _No! Never! You will not get me in there! I refuse! If you make me spend even another_ minute _in there...!_

Far as magical strength went, Patchouli was top-notch so long as her health cooperated with her. At her best she could outmatch Remilia in a spellcard duel, which in itself was no mean feat. However, where _physical_ strength was concerned, her idea of a rigorous activity involved walking at a sedate pace for about two minutes _._ The medicine she'd been taking recently was doing nothing to change that, focusing instead on her primary maladies.

"Hey. Patchouli. Get it together. I realize you don't want to, but you won, fair and- - -..."

_**"GYARRGGGHHHHHHHH!"** _

Fear, drive and adrenalin are funny things, though... and when combined with Patchouli's desire _not_ to be stuck with Coop's stubborn idiocy again, it graduated to outright hilarity. Surprised by the magician's shriek enough to stop speaking, Reimu froze for just a moment; and in that moment Patchouli lunged at her, grabbed her by the shoulders and- - -with a mighty scream of exertion- - - _ **threw her at Megas's head**_ , cap flying off her head with the motion.

...

Jamie heard surprised yelling, turned his head away from Coop... and saw an incoming red-white projectile. "Coop, _look out!"_ he yelled as he ducked down.

Turned out the warning wasn't required. Reimu had been caught off guard, yes, but the same agility (and tiny hitbox) that permitted her to graze bullets with abandon also let her keep the outsiders out of her flight path. She brushed against the top of Jamie's headrest, barely squeezing through the gap between it and the ceiling, and then the car shook as she crashed headfirst into the back of the seat next to Kiva. The hula dancer on the dashboard rattled for a bit as Reimu slumped over.

...

Reisen looked back and forth between Patchouli and Megas, blinking in confusion. "What... what just happened? What the...?"

Patchouli tried to speak, tried to formulate _some_ sort of explanation, but her voice only manifested itself as the high-pitched whine that her scream had trailed off into. "- - -aaaaaaaaaaaa- - -..."

"...Wow," Marisa uttered in a near-whisper, surprised as the rest of them. "Way to take one for the team, ze."

"Arms feel like they're on fire?" Alice asked, recovering.

"That, or she pulled her muscles with that throw. Maybe even both." Marisa beamed as she turned to Patchouli. "Speaking of, that throw was absolutely _epic!_ Didn't know you had it in ya! _"_

"- - -aaaaaaaaaaa- - -..."

"Could be taken to mean that she's more like Coop than she realizes," Alice said, more to herself than the others.

Marisa stared down at the ground disappointedly. "Though now I'm jealous. I'm never going to get to ride in that thing."

"- - -aaaaaa _aaaall of my hate,"_ Patchouli finally managed to squeak, little electrical sparks sizzling on her fingertips.

Reisen kept silent, sweatdropping. _Welcome to the Eastern Wonderland. We're all mad here._

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

_...Well, guess that means_ I'm _the volunteer. I should be mad, but... really,_ _ **Patchouli**_ _of all people? I don't think_ anyone _could have seen that coming._

All was silent save for the engines as Reimu recovered her balance, straightening in the seat. The car's occupants stared at her with varying levels of shock, not having seen her get thrown.

Jamie was the first to recover. "So," he offered with a smile, "care for the guided tour? We have refreshments- - -YAHH!"

A long, thin needle whistled past his ear, elicting said shriek, and lodged in the space where the door met the open window. "No," Reimu told him, her own smile radiating with faux-politeness. "I'll take the offer of refreshments, though."

"Hey, careful!" Coop protested, frowning. "Don't damage the interior!"

"Tell your friend that I'm not out for a mate anytime soon, and I'll think about it," was Reimu's reply. "I'm just here to make sure none of you cause any trouble."

"Good luck," Jamie muttered, hands trembling with suppressed shock.

"Let's just get the rest of these things delivered," Kiva suggested, rolling her eyes at Jamie. "The sooner we finish this and go home, the better." She manipulated her holoterminal, bringing up a map of the surrounding area. "What's next?"

"Well... Mom pressed me into taking those seeds along," Coop said, a bit irritated at that little action. "Don't know _where_ I'm gonna take those. Then there's those jelly beans, that used book you got for cheap, the latest issues of _Hot Rods and Hamburgers_ , the Deputy Duck action figures... and I think that's it."

"I still can't imagine how Gensokyo would have a use for those things," Jamie commented, pulling the needle out of the window frame and tossing it back to Reimu. "This place is going forward completely backwards. No wonder they said Enter's princess was bored out of her skull."

" _Eientei,"_ Reimu corrected him as Kiva made sure the miko's seat belt was secured.

"Whatever."

"All the more reason to give 'em to her. And that doctor lady said she could work with them. What's your point?" Coop smiled confidently. "You can't go wrong with them. They're the greatest of the greatest... next to a good calzone or ten, of course."

" _Back on topic,"_ Kiva interrupted forcefully, "you're sure we don't have anything else I'm allowed to know about?"

"We gave the good stuff away already," said Coop. "Sooo... yeah."

"Then we may as well give the seeds away first and get it over with," Kiva decided, turning to the team's bookworm-appointed babysitter. "Reimu, are there any plant shops at the village where we can just leave these and go?"

"Yes, but I'm not going to let you people fly down in this thing and make everyone panic in the dead of the night," Reimu coldly informed them, arms folded. "Either let me out and I'll take them there myself, or set down outside the village and let me escort you in on foot."

"Or we could just chuck 'em into that sunflower field we saw," Jamie suggested. "Let whomever finds 'em deal with 'em. Not like anyone's going to complain."

"There's probably no restaurants open at this hour anyway," Coop agreed, turning Megas around. "Sunflower field it is!"

Reimu had a sudden premonition at that point. _Sunflower field?..._ Her eyes widened. _No! I should say_ _ **not!**_ "Hold on, wait- - - _ **WAH-OOOOF!"**_

Megas's engines roared, and the mech launched forwards at an upwards angle. Reimu knew it was fast, but she hadn't been prepared for it to go _that_ fast; the sheer speed kept her pressed against the seat, and the air rushing against her face from the open windows made it a bit difficult to speak.

After a minute or so, Coop brought Megas to a sudden stop in mid-air. "Alright, I think we've gotten- - -...whoops. Hey Jamie, sorry about that back there."

"I'm sitting _up front,_ Coop."

"...It's an easy mistake to make, alright? Hey Reimu, sorry about that back there."

"Are you alright?" Kiva asked, concerned for who was _supposed_ to be their protector. "I probably should've warned you about his lack of impulse control..."

"...On second thought... hold the refreshments for later," Reimu groaned, having doubled over her seat belt. Her hands were near her mouth and stomach, and she wasn't feeling as well as she'd been earlier. "Maybe then they wouldn't be going to waste."

"I _said_ I was sorry!"

/-/-/-/-/-/

At the same time the argument over who was going to keep a close eye on Coop was taking place, a minor emergency was taking place elsewhere.

"Yukari-sama?... Yukari-sama, please wake up!"

Yukari didn't respond to those entreaties, of course. Gensokyo's overseer was engaging in her favorite pastime, one that had been taking up much more of her time in recent weeks as winter edged nearer and nearer: heavy snoozing with a forty-percent chance of snoring. As such, her shikigami's words fell on deaf ears.

Ran sighed and stood up, walking off into the hallway. She shook her head at the two individuals standing there. "I'm sorry, but she's pretty well into it. I think she may have already started."

Bells chimed as Yuyuko giggled knowingly. "Leave that to me," she said, holding up a list to her face as she turned to Youmu. "Wood planks? Duct tape? Empty ice cream bucket?"

"Check, check, and check," Youmu confirmed, looking things over.

Yuyuko marked those off. "Half-full hairspray can? Snappily-dressed jackalope plush doll? Flour?"

"Triple-check."

"Bag of marbles? Window fan? Aaaand the trumpet?"

"It's all here, Yuyuko-sama."

"Excellent. Let's get to work, Youmu."

Youmu dragged all of the items into Yukari's sleeping quarters. The bemused Ran took it all in before staring at Yuyuko questioningly; at the back of her mind, she registered the fiery spark-like patterns on the ghost princess's standard kimono. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but what are you doing with our things?" _Aside from the ice cream bucket, I mean?_

"I'd explain it to you, but it gets rather technical," Yuyuko said with a smile before following Youmu inside, sliding the door shut behind her.

Ran waited anxiously for most of two minutes, pacing up and down the hall; as ever, Yuyuko's default state was "Whimsical Puzzle". At the end of it all she turned to look at the door, wondering if she should try again- - -...

_"AAAGGGH! Alright, alright, I'm up, I'm up!"_

...only to have that problem taken out of her hands.

/-/-/

"So what's so important that you had to wake me up this close to wintertime?" Yukari groused not long afterward, rubbing the last traces of sleep from her eyes. "What's the big secret?"

"The Netherworld received a visitor earlier this evening," Yuyuko explained as they walked down the halls of Yukari's home. Youmu and Ran were about ten paces behind, maintaining their silence. "Someone you know quite well. I was given a request to pass on the individual's regards."

"And it wasn't anyone that could have waited until spring?"

"To be more precise, it was a _trio_ of visitors. And before you guess, it wasn't the Prismrivers."

Beat. "...And how is that important?"

Yuyuko smiled. "They were aided in their visit by a shining wizard."

"A shining wiz- - -..." Yukari paled. "...No. They didn't. _They didn't."_

Ran noticed the change in her demeanor immediately. "Yukari-sama, what's wrong? Who are these visitors?"

"Ran, I have something urgent to take care of," Yukari told her, completely no-nonsense as a gap opened up before them. "Either stay here or follow me, but be quick about making your decision." Without another word, she stepped on through and into the dark sky beyond.

Ran turned questioningly to Yuyuko. The ghost princess looked up at the ceiling for a second as if in thought. "Just between you and me, I think most of it is faked," she admitted before following Yukari through the portal and prompting her confused swordsman to follow her.

It only took two seconds at most for Ran to make her decision. "Well, it isn't as if this night can get any stranger," she told herself as she jumped through the gap, listening to it hiss shut behind her.

Poor choice of words, kitsune.

/-/-/-/-/-/

Yuuka was still sitting at the hills when the Sentinel flew in, looking as if it were in a hurry if the sheets of flame at its back were any indication. Just as quickly as it arrived, it came to a sudden halt while the fire suddenly extinguished itself. She watched as it remained still, apparently unsure as to what to do, and waited to see what would happen next.

Eventually the Sentinel noticed her and lowered itself down to the ground. Yuuka stood up, deciding to greet it appropriately. _Well, then... I guess there's a plus to this after all. Being this tall means I get to stand eye to... eyes? There are humans in it... and they look to be some of the oddest beings I've seen in a while. And what's with that head and those lights?_

_...Well. Never let it be said that I didn't try to be cordial. I wonder how well they can take a joke?_ "Good evening," she called out in greeting, smiling gently. "I don't see humans too often in this neck of the woods. What brings you out here?"

...

An orb of darkness drifted aimlessly through the area.

Rumia saw nothing, though she heard a lot of loud noises. She focused, trying to determine what they were but not being successful. She thought she smelled something human, meaning that a long-neglected meal was waiting for her, but try as she might she couldn't find it.

_That's not nice. Are they just very good at hide-and-seek?_

By chance, Rumia flew close enough that something metallic edged through her darkness and brushed against her face, startling her but doing nothing to hurt her. She stopped and turned to look, curious, but couldn't make out any details. For a second she considered releasing her shroud to better see what she was investigating, but decided that keeping up the fear factor in case any humans showed themselves was more important.

It wouldn't be a stretch to say that Rumia was known for giving fairies a run for their money where their lack of intelligence was concerned.

...

"Givin' out gifts to people," the fat one said, eating something. "Want one?"

"That's quite alright, but no." Yuuka nodded once in the direction of the sunflower field. "I already have everything I need."

"You sure? No idea what you're missing."

"Quite sure."

...

"Alright, suit yourself." Coop adjusted his rearview mirror, looking at the backseat. "Looks like it's the Village after all, guys."

"Better keep it slow this time," Kiva said, glancing at Reimu. "We don't want an incident on our hands."

"You really don't," Reimu uttered, looking just this side of green.

In most cases, this would've been a cut-and-dry scenario. Those cases all shared one thing in common: none of them involved Coop and Megas, and even just turning around could cause a disaster.

And that was exactly what it did. As soon as Coop turned the steering wheel, Megas's leg shifted- - -and Rumia discovered that "footing the bill" could be taken very literally, as she found herself kicked square in the face. The durability that all youkai in Gensokyo possessed guaranteed her survival, but there was more than enough force to make her lose control of her darkness shroud and deliver her clear to the Garden of the Sun. Cause, meet Effect: several sunflowers had their stalks snapped via a dazed idiot colliding with them.

Just like that, the atmosphere in the area became much colder.

/-/-/-/

_They didn't. ...They didn't. ...Oh-ho-ho, they_ didn't.

But they did. They'd pulled a fast one on her, deliberately damaging plants in her presence. And not just any plants, but the sunflower garden where she liked to spend a lot of her time.

_"Giving gifts out to people", he said. He lies. I was a fool to think that the Garden would weather any storm. That Sentinel of his is too dangerous to stay intact, and these humans are blights upon Gensokyo's surface._

_Well, if they're the blights... then_ I'm _the purification._

/-/-/-/-/-/

Coop and the others immediately noticed when the air around them seemed to become much more volatile. It seemed to be centered on that giant youkai he'd had been talking to a moment before... but they couldn't have done anything to make her angry that quickly, right?

"Coop?" Kiva said, feeling on edge. This was a sensation of extreme danger the likes of which she'd never noticed with Suika, closer to what she typically felt over the course of the Glorft war. "What did you do _this_ time?"

"I didn't do nothing, I swear!"

Jamie looked around anxiously. "I think I heard a snap. Did anyone else hear a snap?"

Reimu said nothing, instead wishing she could shoot danmaku with her glare alone. _Maybe then,_ she thought darkly, _Coop would get the fact that he's too dangerous for Gensokyo through his thick skull._

"Around here, it's rude to engage in catastrophes before introducing yourself," the giant woman chastised them, her smile clearly false.

Megas's pilot looked unsure. "...Um...my name's Coop. What's yours?"

The youkai's fearsome look was a far cry from the friendly face they'd initially seen her with. "I am Yuuka Kazami," she stated, eyes glowing softly. "You killed my flowers. Prepare to die."

"...Well, that's new," Jamie said after a moment, sounding oddly put off.

Reimu couldn't resist a bit of sarcasm, not yet having gotten over her carsickness. "What's that? That she's letting herself get worked up over some damaged plant life? That's not unusual at all."

"No. That's not a dress she's wearing."

Kiva shook her head. "...Seriously, Jamie? Seriously? _That's_ the first thing that gets your attention?"

"C'mon, I'm just saying!"

In the background, Rumia- - -still dazed and unaware of the situation- - -recovered enough to fly towards the far side of the Garden, unaware that the prey she was looking for was in the opposite direction. Closer still, a loud, somewhat sickening noise prevented further conversation; the youkai had shouldered her parasol for a moment and was cracking her knuckles ominously. "If you're done talking of inconsequential topics, then let's play 'Borrowed Time'."

"I've never heard of that game before," Coop said, ignorant of Reimu's disapproving look in the mirror. "How do you play?"

"The rules are simple," Yuuka explained, expression simultaneously frightening and mirthful as she pointed her parasol at them. "Rule Number 1, I punch you. 1A, you fall down. 1B, I win. _Once and forever."_

Coop was more annoyed than scared. _"Lame._ How 'bout we play 'Bash the Squid' instead? That's much more fun. Play it almost every week."

"Imagine that I'm humoring you, little big human. How do you play?"

"Easy." Coop revved the engine... "You attack... _and I kick your butt!"_ ...and charged, the earth quaking with each step that Megas took. The noisiest guitar ever heard in Gensokyo blasted out from the car's speakers as the battle began, making the others cover their ears and grimace.

/-/

Yuuka accepted the challenge enthusiastically, matching Megas's speed and meeting the mech halfway across the valley. Experimentally, she let the initial haymaker deck her squarely in the jaw... and raised an eyebrow when the punch actually succeeded in tilting her head a bit. In reciprocation, she swung her parasol two-handed at Megas's left shoulder joint- - -and was legitimately _surprised_ that the arm broke off a little bit _too_ easily. _Something about this..._

Her suspicions were confirmed when Megas snatched its falling arm out of the air, and she realized that there was no shrapnel or broken metal where the parasol was supposed to have hit the joint. That realization didn't prevent her from ducking when Megas swung its detached arm at her, or swerving a bit to one side to avoid an overhead strike, but she wasn't quite evasive enough: _another_ overhead blow on the heels of the first one succeeded in hammering the top of her head, making her stumble but not fall.

/-/-/

As the battle begun, a night sparrow's attention was firmly riveted not on the clash between titans, as one would expect it to be, but on the loud music that was echoing back to her from one of them. She remained still for a good while, her mouth hung open a centimeter, as she let her hearing be clouded with drums, bass and intense guitar riffs.

Mystia didn't linger near the battlefield for long, finally fleeing when the danger she was in fully sunk into her mind. Even so, the seed had been planted... and someday, she would remember.

/-/-/

Yuuka didn't stay destabilized for long, swinging her parasol one-handed immediately upon recovering. This time she made contact, and Megas was blown back to the opposite side of the valley; a defensive circle that briefly formed around the machine when it was struck reminded her that the Spell Card system was in full effect. Her smile was rather dissonant as she watched her opponent stand back up and reattach its arm; her own minor aches completely faded by the time that action was done. _You have a long way to go before- - -..._

She hadn't finished her thought when both of Megas's shoulders opened up, shooting off what she would quickly come to know as Coop's danmaku of choice. Yuuka immediately jumped up and over the missiles, neatly evading all thirty of them before returning the favor in the form of twin arcing waves of energy shots. Any hope she had that the Sentinel would attempt to tank the hits, wrapping things up nicely, were dashed when it reached out and _caught_ those bullets that were heading directly towards it- - -four in all, then quickly made use of them before they could dissipate.

/-/

On one of the screens inside Megas, a little 8-bit baseball pitcher wound up and threw a ball at a catcher's mitt. It wasn't quite a fastball and it didn't fall out of the strike zone soon enough, making it an easy target.

/-/

As she landed, Yuuka swung at the incoming bullet before it reached her. There was a loud _crack_ as her parasol made contact with it, but the shot sailed far off to the left into the distant reaches of Gensokyo.

**(0-1)**

The pitcher threw again, but the pitch lacked any semblance of control. Yuuka didn't bother moving her parasol for this one, letting it whistle on past, and gave Coop a look of complete contempt. "Are you going anyplace with this, or should I just vaporize you now?"

**(1-1)**

Coop answered by thumbing Up-Up-Down-Left-A on one of his older joysticks. The pitcher's next throw was rather... twisted, leaving the batter flailing and missing.

Yuuka saw the bullet flying at her and made to either hit it back or dodge as needed... but even as it flew, the bullet swerved up and down, sideways, twisting, turning, which-way-is-it-going-to-go, no-it's-that-way, lemme-get-lunch-first, to the point that was it close to impossible to tell where the shot was going to end up. By the time it reached her it was too late to do anything about it, and it struck her right hand with substantial force.

"Whoa. Knuckleball," Jamie uttered with a smile. "Nice."

Reimu wondered for a moment if her Yin Yang Orbs could be used for a similar purpose, but dismissed the thought in favor of the showdown.

**(1-2)**

"Enough of this." Yuuka shook her right hand a bit, keeping the parasol held with her left. "This is a _battle,_ not some silly game."

"Really? 'Cause _I'm_ having fun," Coop answered her, continuing to manipulate the controls. The pitcher's final throw was aimed at maximum force straight down the middle of the plate, but Coop wasn't finished yet.

Yuuka was ready this time, and she sent the bullet rocketing back to Megas one-handed. Again, she expected Coop to either tank the hit intentionally or else be too slow to react. Again she was caught by surprise as Megas had already been moving, grabbing the shot as it flew back and letting itself be spun around. As the machine finished its rotation, Megas _slung_ the bullet back the other way.

The resulting _BOOM_ as the shot broke the sound barrier distracted Yuuka for just a moment, long enough for it to strike her face directly between the eyes. This time she fell, hitting the ground headfirst with a dazed, open-mouthed smile.

**(STRIKEOUT)**

"...If I had money, I would've bet that wouldn't have worked," Reimu managed to say after a moment. She shook her head. "But I'm sure you remember Suika. She's not going to stay down just like that."

Sure enough, Yuuka hopped to her feet as Reimu finished speaking. The vibrations invoked by her feet landing on the ground shook Megas and caused several damaged trees at the far end of the battlefield to collapse. "Impressive," she begrudgingly admitted. "And here I took you for a complete fool."

Coop's face brightened. "So I'm not a fool?"

"I said 'a _complete_ fool'. Even half a fool is still a fool."

"Oh, yeah?" Coop outwardly glared at Yuuka, but inwardly he was racking his brain for a witty comeback. "Well... who's the other half?"

"If you bantered as well as you fought, this would actually be a decent evening." Yuuka's free hand tightened as she frowned. "But you had the gall to obliterate my favorite plants when all I did was greet you politely. Be it fist, parasol or bullets I will see you dead by midnight, and I'll scatter your broken Sentinel to the ends of Gensokyo. Consider that your payment for daring to challenge the Flower Master of- - -"

"Excuse me, Miss Kazami," Kiva interrupted, "but with all due respect, could we just get back to fighting each other?"

"I'm allowed to make a speech every now and again, human," Yuuka said. "You deserve to know in your final moments what it is you're really up against, after all."

"Yes," Kiva answered with annoyance, "but the real question is, 'Is Coop going to care?'"

Coop emitted a mild belch. He smiled, patting his belly. "Ooh. That was a good snack. Wonder if I have time for another?" He opened up a nearby compartment, pulling out another triple-decker sandwich made up of all the ingredients he could get his hands on. A glare from Reimu in the rear-view mirror made him put it back before he could take a bite, however.

"...Point to you," Yuuka conceded. "Let's keep going."

The two combatants charged at each other once more, fists raised to strike.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Three magicians and a moon rabbit flew across the cloudy night sky, their unity in flight a sharp contrast to the all-out free-for-all they were engaged in earlier. All four of them had agreed that they needed to catch up to Megas, even if it was strictly for their own purposes. It took them a while to close the distance, though: Coop's machine was very speedy for its size, and it was no short journey that it had made.

Off to one side, Yukari silently watched as the four of them flew past without detecting her group. From afar she and her shikigami could hear the explosions, metallic clanking, and the familiar 'whoosh' of danmaku being fired, and she could see lights flashing against the background occasionally. Discreetly, she opened up a gap to see who Megas was fighting- - -...

Whoever it was swerved just out of the gap's view as it was opened, and the same thing happened on her next attempt. Undeterred, Yukari closed it and tried something different: instead of leaving her next portal's end point in a fixed location, she did some quick mental math and attached a smaller one to the brim of Marisa's hat. The gap would move whenever she herself did, making it convenient for spying on the go.

Immediately, Yukari could hear the others' voices as they flew along. She listened as Alice spoke to her unlikely friend: "- - -for the last time, Marisa, just admit defeat. You're acting like a child."

"All of us do," Marisa retorted. "Being an adult's not too different from being a kid. It's just that you're more attached to your toys."

"How could you be an adult?" asked a disbelieving Reisen. "You don't look a day past fifteen."

"I'll have you know that I'm at least twenty years old," Marisa stated proudly. "I just look younger whenever there's an incident in progress. Same with Reimu."

"That doesn't make any sense- - -!"

"Absurd aging aside, that doesn't give you an excuse to procure Coop's services for yourself," Patchouli informed her, sounding as if she was suppressing pain. "Adding one idiot to another idiot just creates a bigger idiot."

"Which leads me to a question," Marisa said. "What happens when you add an idiot to a genius? Do they cancel each other out, or do you get a genius ditz...?"

...

"Yukari-sama, how long are they going to babble on without rhyme or reason?" Ran whispered to her master, careful not to make herself heard across the mobile gap.

"Ssssh. Wait for it," Yukari whispered back, a ghost of a smile on her lips. "Take it from me. This is more entertaining than any sitcom."

...

"...a positive integer," Alice was saying. "Why do you ask? You're not saying that you and Coop...?"

"I was thinking closer to Patchy and Jamie," Marisa clarified. "Something tells me she'd probably be better friends with him than Coop."

"Jamie? _Him?"_ Reisen exclaimed, incredulous. "When he was at Eientei, he tried to hit on me! How could _anyone_ be friends with him?"

"I think he attempted to do the same to me, come to think of it," Alice added. "I was a bit distracted at the time."

"That's strange," Patchouli said. "When we crossed paths tonight, you both looked completely unharmed."

"Not quite what we're talking about." Alice's voice was almost lost beneath Marisa's chortling. "Hasn't anyone ever told you what that phrase means?"

"I tried asking my familiar about it once, but she never really explained it to me. Why does everyone keep saying that a nice person like him was being violent?"

...

Yukari pretended not to hear Yuyuko's failed attempt to stifle her giggles.

...

A sigh. "Miss Alice, could you field this?" Reisen asked, exasparated. "I can't think with all this lunacy in the air."

"Alright," Alice agreed. "To put it simply, it means..." Her voice did a complete shift mid-sentence, changing from calm and in control to nervous and terrified. In the far distance, she and the others put on the brakes. "... _dear sweet mother of Makai!"_

"That's not what it means!" Marisa tried to defend herself. "It means more like..." Her speech underwent a similar shift to 'completely awestruck'. _"Someone hand me my chin off the ground."_

Patchouli was quiet, possibly driven to speechlessness.

"Kirisame? Miss Alice?" Reisen was heard asking. Yukari could sense the fear that eminated across the gap. "Would someone mind telling me just who it is that Megas is fighting against?"

At that moment, there was a cacophany caused by a series of impacts... and then Yuuka charged into view of Yukari's party, having just gotten done shoulder-ramming Megas at her top speed. She threw it to the ground, jumped and attempted to impale it with her parasol on her way down, only for Megas to block it with dual buzzsaws concealed in its wrists. This gave the mech enough time to blast Yuuka with twin energy beams from its headlights, forcing her back for a few seconds and giving Coop enough time to bring Megas back to its feet.

Ran and Youmu both watched warily, shivering as they restrained the impulse to flee the area in case the fight should head their way. Yuyuko seemed unphased, but with her it was hard to tell where her emotions really were.

Yukari herself regarded Megas and Yuuka with a conflicted face, struggling to keep her feelings on the matter at bay as the two stared each other down. She remembered that the portal was still open, and she tapped the appropriate boundaries needed to close it. The last thing she heard before it was sealed was Alice's voice, reduced to a fearful shade of its former self:

_"An abomination in the shape of a flower."_

An engine and a youkai roared as one, and the fight was on again.

/-/-/-/-/

"...Well," Marisa murmured as she stared at the brawling colossi. The group was far enough away that they conceivably weren't in danger from them, but with Megas's tendencies for collateral damage it wasn't a guarantee. " _Someone_ gave Yuuka the wrong kind of fertilizer."

"A crude yet effective way of summarizing the brutally obvious," Patchouli noted. "Mind cluing those of us who _haven't_ read the Chronicles recently in on who she is?"

"Yuuka Kazami. Called the Flower Master of the Four Seasons for being really good with all sorts of plants," Marisa explained, never once losing her focus on the showdown. Good thing, since it allowed her to utilize a Narrow Spark to pierce and disperse one of Yuuka's stray shots. "Rumor has it that she's on friendly terms with the Village's resident florist just because they share a mutual love for flora."

Patchouli 'hmm'ed quietly. "Doesn't seem too terribly bad- - -"

"A nightmare," Alice interrupted, sounding increasingly terrified; Reisen noticed that she had a death grip on her grimoire, her knuckles whitening. "She's an a-absolute nightmare of a powerhouse. She might _act_ n-nice, but cross her once and suddenly she's terror i-incarnate. Bad dreams. V-very bad dreams."

Marisa snapped her fingers as she remembered something. "Oh hey, didn't she once make you work as a- - -"

_"Finish that sentence and I'll end you,"_ Alice warned, eyes blazing yellow. Reisen thought she detected a hint of pleading in her voice, but she wasn't sure.

Marisa shrugged, not taking the puppeteer's threat seriously enough to show any fear. She _did_ listen to the request, though.

"Botanist and living nightmare," Patchouli said as they watched Yuuka escape Megas's grip in time to avoid being suplexed. "Not the most unusual of combinations in Gensokyo..."

"True," Marisa agreed. She pointed at Patchouli and Reisen in turn. "But remember that I wouldn't have been able to effectively take on your respective bosses without outside help."

Patchouli's eyes widened. "Wait, you can't seriously be saying...?"

A battle-eager smile. "There's a reason I tagged it and Non-Directional Laser with 'Love Sign'," Marisa said as a pack of bomblets from Megas detonated spectacularly against Yuuka's parasol. "I loved 'em enough to steal them, ze."

"..."

Reisen gave her a strange look, somewhere between "you've-got-to-be-kidding-me" and "not-dignifying-this". If she'd bothered to look at Patchouli, she would've seen the same expression. Alice, who'd known of it already, closed her eyes as if it would help disperse Marisa from her memories altogether.

There was no point in continuing to speak, whether it was in reference to Yuuka's power or Marisa's audacity. The very fact that the human was still alive despite all of it was evidence enough, so all that could be done at this point would be to serve as spectators for events beyond their control.

/-/-/-/-/

The first few minutes of the fight had given Yuuka enough time to get her emotions under control. She still felt the urge to obliterate the humans for their transgression, true, but at least she could do so with a clear head. The blows Megas had landed reminded her that it paid to be cautious, even against a weaker opponent.

Neither of them had used any Spell Cards yet. Yuuka wasn't sure if this was because Megas didn't have any to speak of, or if they were just being saved for a last resort. None of its attacks so far had any real 'pattern' to them, save for that silly little sequence where her own bullets were being thrown back at her.

_I wonder what it will take for them to reach that point? ... Though I don't know if I'm one to talk, in light of the fact that I only have four Cards to my name, and one of them is basically "the same but more"..._

As she dodged around fifty missiles and energy pulses in quick succession, Yuuka caught a look inside the Sentinel's head and glimpsed who she thought was the Hakurei miko. _I recognize the face. She's grown up a bit, I see... though didn't she have_ purple _hair before? Now it's dark brown, almost black._ She swung her parasol, knocking Megas's arm away before it could strike her, then shifted quickly to the side to avoid a follow-up swing. _Just how long has it_ been? _Maybe I need to keep more up to date on these things._

Swerving around, Yuuka jabbed forward with her parasol- - -and had it intercepted by a steel hand. Letting go of it for a moment, she reached in to drive her fist into her opponent, only to find that one caught as well. As the parasol crashed to the ground, she decided to test Coop's mettle with a quick volley of punches... all the better to cash in whenever she found a hole in Megas's defense.

Coop had a similar idea, as Megas's own fists lashed out... four, five, six times. To his dismay and Yuuka's delight, the metal gave way before her strikes, crumpling both hands entirely. Cackling, she kicked her parasol back into her grasp and threw back her arm to swing- - -...

_"AGH!"_

...- - -only for Megas to jettison both broken fists directly into her face. She shook her head as they exploded, swatting the smoke away. A mild nuisance, that, and nothing that she couldn't handle- - -...

Brilliant white lights shined directly into Yuuka's eyes from within Megas's arms. Reflexively she threw her left arm in front of them, shielding her view. "I can still tear you in half with one arm," she warned, "so don't try anything fun- - -huh?"

Through the light, she could see the fins near Megas's head twitching a few times. _What on ea- - -..._

A flare of orange from Megas's back, and the Sentinel tackled her at full throttle before she could react. As it left a wall of teal light behind it, being too fast for human (and some youkai) eyes to properly track, Yuuka was smashed through assorted trees and boulders before finally being driven into a plateau a kilometer away. Shattered rocks and debris collapsed around her, concealing her from sight.

...

As the Nitrous boost wore off and Megas took a few steps to the side of the furrow it left behind, Coop smiled ruefully. "You know, I always wondered where I put those things," he said, replacing Megas's hands as he spoke.

"What- - -the Nitrous?" Jamie asked.

"No, no. Those floodlights."

"Wait. You _forgot_ you had them stashed there?" Reimu inquired, echoing Kiva's thoughts. "Why would you even need to put them there in the first place? Would they have _any_ use aside from blinding people?"

-?-

As the sun went down, a pair of lights shone down on a table in Coop's backyard. Sitting there in an open carry-out carton was a mammoth hamburger, covered in cheese, bacon, pickles, hamburger, onions, lettuce, tomato, and hamburger. The whole thing weighed at least two pounds, and in Coop it instilled awe and hunger in equal measures. One could easily imagine a choir singing somewhere in the background.

-?-

"...Probably," Coop answered, shrugging. "I don't see why not."

"But- - -"

"Let it go, Reimu," Kiva said sharply, taking a quick look out the windshield before turning her eyes to the console. "Sooner or later we'll learn not to ask stupid questions around him, but until then Yuuka's still in the game."

"Did you just call my questions- - - _?!"_

"Come _oonnn,"_ Coop interrupted them, his tone confident. "Did you see how hard and fast Megas hit her? I don't care what kind of giant she is; she ain't getting up after _that._ "

The rocks shifted a tinge... and were blown away as wave upon wave of danmaku pierced through them, disintegrating some and exploding others. Megas was blasted back by the assault, racking up a dozen hits in two seconds and triggering the Spell Card system's prerequisite shield in the process. Yuuka didn't seem to notice this, swinging her parasol with one hand and swiping at the air with the other to produce a circular shot pattern that spun outwards in all directions.

And if the snarl, glowing eyes and sense of doom- - -the latter provided by the nostalgically dangerous and equally noisy music- - -were any indication, Coop had just succeeded in making her angrier than she'd been previously. Any remaining mirth the woman had was gone.

"Please tell me it's not too late to high-tail it for home!" Jamie begged, looking around frantically as Coop finally recovered enough to go evasive.

"Took you long enough," Reimu groused, gripping her seat tightly. Out of habit, she watched for holes in the shot pattern as memories of her second fight with Yuuka started to come back. _Must be the music,_ she thought.

Even Coop seemed to be having second thoughts in the face of terror incarnate. "Maybe we could run for the Barrier the next time we knock her down? We don't _have_ to give out all of the gifts today..."

"I'll send you back outside Gensokyo once we get to the shrine," Reimu agreed. "Ideas, anyone?"

There was a ping from the dashboard, and Kiva opened a corresponding menu on her holo-terminal. "We've got more attack options available. Let's pack up and get out of here."

Coop nodded and grabbed another joystick, doing a complete circle on the directional pad and hitting both action buttons.

**Behind the Eight Ball**

In a short interval between danmaku waves, Megas cupped its hands in front of it and projected a large black orb marked '8' straight at Yuuka's face, its appearance and flames like those that decorated one of the prototype's arms. She did nothing to react to its approach, continuing her shot pattern, and cried out in surprise at the attack's concussive force.

As soon as the attack made contact, Coop spun the steering wheel around and pressed down on the accelerator. Megas did a quick 180 and jetted off parallel to the ground- - -...

"Beg your pardon, mincemeat?"

Considering that they'd just left Yuuka behind, they weren't sure where the voice had come from. For the moment it didn't matter, as a dim circular light had formed beneath where Megas had been. Equating being in that light to being caught in an enemy's crosshairs, Coop's first impulse was to just keep on going.

That turned out to have been poor playing on his part, as the edges of the slowly-shrinking light jettisoned danmaku of all types at alternating 30-degree angles, while Yuuka herself shot needle-like bullets straight at them. There were far too many for Megas to safely dodge; the mech was driven into the dirt, its body riddled with scorches and tiny holes from all the impacts.

"Forgot she could do that," Reimu complained as Coop struggled to work Megas back to a less-than-horizontal stance. "She likes using short-range teleports to throw her enemies off balance."

"To put it another way, unless we can wear her down we won't be able to leave?" Kiva asked for clarification, her displeasure increasing.

"And to make it worse, none of her attacks so far were Spell Cards," Reimu continued. "She still has... let's see... at least three to work with."

_"Sadly, I won't need any of them to finish this."_

Megas had just managed to get itself propped up on its arms when Yuuka dropped down before it, an open hand facing its head. "Your nonsense has gone on for too long," she stated coldly as her hand shone with power. _"Sayonara."_

"Hey. You like plants, right?" Jamie asked.

"Without question," Yuuka stated, the energy continuing to build up. "Why else would I be trying to obliterate your pathetic excuse for a war machine?"

"Alright." Jamie sat back, satisfied. "That's kinda cool."

To Reimu's surprise, this actually made Yuuka hesitate. "...What? You're terrified of me, but you're accepting of death?"

"No," Jamie said as the sound of button mashing greeted his ears. A knowing smile crossed his face. "I just wanted you to say the wrong thing."

And with a speed that surprised Yuuka, Megas twisted itself into position to deliver a kick straight at the youkai's hand, causing the energy buildup to backfire and explode in her face. Coop didn't stop there, using Megas's built-up momentum to sweep Yuuka's legs out from under her and finally get the mech upright.

Before Reimu or Kiva could tell Coop to press the attack, he was already on it. While Yuuka was still in mid-fall trying to process what had just happened, a row of switches were flipped from left to right with a single swipe of Coop's hand.

And the moment her backside hit the earth, twin gatling guns hidden in Megas's wrists were besieging her with a high-intensity barrage of emerald energy bolts, all of them containing enough power and heat behind them to punch clear through several feet of solid steel. Both guns continued to fire as quickly as Coop could mash buttons until their supplies of ammo were fully expended.

...

It took Yuuka a little bit longer to recover from this assault than it did from the previous two knockdowns, but recover she did. As Megas stepped back she stood up, some of her skin reddened and smoke trailing off the places where the guns had been hitting. Jamie noticed with some silent dismay that aside from a few small holes in her vest, her clothes were completely undamaged.

"Eeesh. Just what does it _take_ to put her down for the count?" Coop complained.

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Believe me when I say this, Coop. She has a reputation as Gensokyo's strongest youkai for a reason."

Any further discussion was interrupted by a seething Yuuka, another one of those false smiles framing her face. "What, so you changed your mind about leaving? Good. I was concerned that I hadn't brewed any tea for you yet."

"Oh, don't worry. I ain't leaving," Coop stated, giving every indication that he was ticked off. "You called my games silly, called my sweet ride a war machine- - -"

"- - -Which it technically is," Kiva said in mid-rant.

"- - -and to top it off, you called Megas 'pathetic'! Be mean and nasty all you want, but no one, and I mean _no one_ insults Big Blue!"

Yuuka expelled a deep breath as she shouldered her parasol. "...Suit yourself. Just remember:

" _I warned you._ "

...

Reimu remained quiet for a time even as the duel continued. Finally, she slowly and deliberately covered her face with one hand. "Andru-san, if and when we escape with our lives, please don't tell anyone that I'm sympathizing with Patchouli right now."

"Deal."

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Yukari reclined against a gap and watched the battle from afar, her mind only half-focusing on what was taking place before her.

She had thought that it was impossible for Coop and the others to come waltzing back into Gensokyo with their technology, unless there was extreme magical shenanigans involved. From what had been explained to her at Remilia's mansion previously, the Lunarians were the ones responsible for the first incident.

**Munch munch munch.**

_So unless they returned to the moon and... ...no, that's not very likely. They already accomplished what they wanted to do when they went there before, and they wouldn't risk drawing the Lunarians' attention towards them again. That Kiva's smart enough to know that._

**Munch munch munch.**

_They couldn't have used Megas's systems to determine a safe way into Gensokyo. The magic of the barrier cannot be interacted with by modern science; the Hakurei line and I have seen to that._ The lights clicked on upstairs, but Yukari gave no outward sign that she was thinking any of this. _Unless Megas has some sort of unique ability to call its own, or else it- - -_

**Munch munch munch.**

_...Guh._ Yukari's head rotated fifteen degrees to the left, permitting her companion to appear in her peripheral vision. "...Yuyuko?"

Yuyuko put down the food she was eating and gave the overseer a beatific smile. "Yes?"

"What, pray tell, are you snacking on?"

"You can't have any. It's not good for your teeth."

"I wasn't asking that. What is it? ...Oh, _no._ " Yukari shook her head, eyes closing partway. "That's not a Philly cheesesteak, is it? Please tell me it isn't."

Her best friend stared at Yukari for a bit, as if contemplating the question... then hurriedly scarfed down the rest of the snack, startling Youmu and both Yakumos. Finishing, she wiped off her mouth and smiled. "What Philly cheesesteak? I don't see any. You must be imagining things, Yukari."

"I saw it right there in your hands."

"Saw what?"

"The food."

"But there _isn't_ any food in my hands. That's crazy talk."

"Yuyuko, I specifically saw you devour a Philly cheesesteak. Why are you so intent on telling me you didn't?"

"If you saw me eat it, why are you asking me about it?"

Yukari clenched her hands, trying not to facepalm. _Of all the times..._ "Not this, not now. Where did you get the cheesesteak, Yuyuko?"

"A fat man came in through the chimney on his quest to give gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world," Yuyuko explained cheerfully- - -...

...and was interrupted by an annoyed Youmu. "Coop got into Gensokyo by way of the Netherworld, Yukari-san."

Yuyuko turned to Youmu, pouting. "Youmu, that's not very nice. The Netherworld is not a chimney. None of the smoke ever escapes."

This time, the urge to facepalm was too great. _I can't believe that I woke up for_ this. "I don't suppose anyone knows how you get into Gensokyo via the Netherworld, _without dying?"_

"That's easy. By having a shining wizard open the flue, of course!" was Yuyuko's claim, fan before her face as she smiled.

"...Something about all this feels very wrong," Ran murmured as she tried to make heads or tails out of their banter.

"Indeed," Yukari said, opening a portal in time to let a stray missile from Megas fly into it. "December's still a few days from now, and it isn't as if the average youkai follows the outside world's traditions that closely anyway."

Ran didn't respond to that, shutting out Youmu and Yuyuko as they argued.

"I have a strong hunch as to _how_ Megas re-entered Gensokyo, and it's not fun to think about," Yukari continued, closing her eyes. "Yuyuko all but confirmed it for me. It's not that Coop or his friends have special abilities like you or I; by themselves, they're powerless. No, it's Megas itself that enabled them to pass through."

"It's become a tsukumogami?" Ran asked, trying (and failing) to imagine what something that big would look like with a more human-like appearance. "Or is it some sort of 'magitech' mixture?"

"Neither." Yukari opened her eyes again, for once completely serious. "It's Megas's ability that allowed them passage, and one that it has had all along: it can smash things. This isn't like the young Scarlet's ability, mind you. Out and out destruction isn't guaranteed. It won't annihilate something from the word 'go'.

"Rather..." She paused again to divert several large flower bullets from Yuuka off course. "...it's as it says on the box: it smashes. Short and simple. Whether it's the armored chassis of an opposing robot or the emptiness of the void... if Coop decides that something's in his way and _he does not stop_ , there's a very strong chance that Megas will demolish it by the time he's done with it."

Ran paled. "Something... like the border between fantasy and reality?" she hazarded as Youmu and Yuyuko's bickering slowly wound down.

"And between life and death. Such things would not normally be within Megas's reach in today's modern world, or else it would be invincible." Yukari gestured at Gensokyo as a whole. "But when it deals with _here_ , where common sense is lacking and the impossible becomes possible, there's nothing stopping it from coming and going as its crew pleases..."

Ran squeezed her eyes shut for several seconds, shuddering. "You'd think in such circumstances there'd be little choice but to launch an all-out assault, if only to preserve Gensokyo's integrity."

Yukari's haunted gaze made the kitsune's eyes widen. As long as she'd been the overseer's shikigami, she'd never known the youkai-like youkai to have such an alien look. "Trust me," she warned darkly, "when I say that if Megas were to be destroyed, Gensokyo would not be long for this world."

Ran started to say something, then decided otherwise and shut her mouth before returning her eyes to the fight. If her master chose to speak like that, then it was best not to argue.

For a few minutes, no one spoke. They hovered side by side in the clouded moonlight, watching the duel ensue a mile and a half away.

**Munch munch munch.**

All eyes turned to Yuyuko. She smiled and held out the bag she was holding. "Snacks, anyone?"

"...I don't suppose you want to tell us where you got the popcorn, do you?"

"What popcorn? This is snow candy."

_Le sigh..._

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

The fight had turned on its head. At the start, Yuuka had been fighting solely with melee strikes and short danmaku bursts. She'd been confident that those would be all she would need to systemically tear Megas apart.

Then the Nitrous had been unveiled, and suddenly the bullet that Megas had thrown at her towards the beginning of the fight looked tame in comparison. Even with the Spell Card system and the youkai's natural resistance to physical attacks, getting hit by something that size going quicker than sound itself had honest-to-goodness _hurt_. She hadn't felt that much non-magical damage in... ...she couldn't remember. At the very least, it was well before the Barrier was raised.

Yuuka knew then that there was no more holding back. She would let the outsiders see her full strength as she reduced their precious Sentinel to scrap. From that point on, she had been playing for keeps. Of course, that wasn't to say that Coop wasn't doing the same, as insulting his "sweet ride" had led to her being on the receiving end of a hefty barrage... but the odds were definitely in her favor.

And if the fight was prolonged any further than it needed to be... well, there was always the Master Spark.

A clash of danmaku from both parties left the air between them stuffed with smoke, subsequently blown away by a gust of wind. The both of them were hovering about seventy meters into the air, having gradually flown that high over the course of the last few minutes. Seeing Megas stop where it was, Yuuka decided upon the same thing; a few breaths of night air to satisfy her lungs, then she'd get back to work shredding the humans' machine.

But as things turned out, that last part would have to wait. The hatches on the Sentinel's torso opened up, showing a large gun hovering on a set of ventral thrusters. A series of wires and tubes were connected to the gun, leading somewhere into the mech's inner workings and absorbing power from the core. The gun drifted outside, and Megas took hold of it with both hands as the barrel began to shine brightly.

/-/-/

Reimu was gawking at the display. "...You had scores of weapons in there earlier, and I know you're not using magic," she said in disbelief. "Where did they go? Where'd _that_ come from?"

"Beats me," Coop said, shrugging as assorted gauges and displays began to change color. Large, bold and green lettering that spelled out "Idiot Gun" appeared on one of the screens.

Kiva gave Reimu a sympathetic look as she glared at the back of Coop's head, frustrated.

"A better question is, 'what happened to the other superweapons that Coop keeps there?'," Jamie deadpanned. "I'm sure everyone's wondered _that_ , too."

"Ugh. ...You know what? Fine." Reimu threw her hands in the air, almost hitting the roof. "I'm through questioning any of this. Just blast her and beat her already."

Coop grinned. " _Now_ you're speaking my language!" he exclaimed, slamming his hand on four buttons at once.

Streaks of light flew across the windshield to coalesce at the center. The air itself screamed as the Idiot Gun dispensed its firepower, the shot resembling a massive maelstrom of wind, energy, and electricity. The ground nearest the fringe of the beam disintegrated, leaving only smoke and traces of dust.

The gun's titanic blast streaked straight at Yuuka... and sharply veered off course, much to everyone's displeasure. The youkai barely budged as the blast singed her hair in passing before it zoomed far off into the sky, leaving a tunnel through the clouds as it went.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Life in the Lunar Capital had returned to normal following the events of a month previous, and the repairs that the misfit humans had started were completed. The Defense Corps was no longer on high alert, as the Watatsuki sisters had ordered them back to their usual 'stand-by' state.

With the momentary peace and not having much else to do, Sagume had decided to a re-open an exhibit that had been closed down until then, showcasing Lunarian technology past and present. All that was left to do was to place the exhibit's sign outside, and she would be able to invite others to visit once more. She felt herself growing increasingly happier the more she thought about it.

She'd been especially careful not to say anything that could jinx the re-opening. The nature of Sagume's ability was such that reality would twist in any way possible to prevent her spoken words from coming true, so she had to deliberately say the opposite of what she wanted.

A handful of passers-by were lingering around when Sagume carried the sign outside and hung it up, but she was a bit too distracted to see them. Instead, she accidentally opened her mouth and made her inner thoughts known to others:

"The bulk of my work is done... today's going to be a good day for me."

The passers-by froze when they heard Sagume speak, and immediately they dived for cover... just in time as a wave of energy from beyond the Capital struck the building, disintegrating it and most of the technology within while leaving Sagume and those close by completely unharmed. By the time the energy faded, all that was left was the exhibit's sign:

_Irreplaceable Science In a Magical Era._

"You have to admit, Sagume," a fellow Lunarian called out, "you were _asking_ for that to happen."

Sagume's only response was to stoop down and bang her head against the fallen sign, much to the others' amusement.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

"...Impressive," Yuuka admitted, eyeing the burnt locks that dangled across a finger. "Faulty, but impressive." She smiled as she let her hand drop, watching as the gun was returned to the Sentinel's confines. "How it would have fared if it had actually managed to hit me, I guess we will never know... but it gives me a better idea as to how you defeated the oni."

_"Marisa did it,"_ all four humans spoke at once.

If anyone had been listening more closely, they might have heard a distant sneeze. "...Ah, I see. So your victory over her was entirely accidental?" Yuuka asked. "I guess I was wrong, then...

"Still, you did me the honor of showing me the high-powered beam attack in _your_ arsenal. Thank you." Her eyes flashed red, and her parasol glowed in response. "Now, permit me the honor of showing you _mine."_

There was no reply for a few seconds, but Yuuka could see the fat human smile. For a moment, it felt like she was facing Marisa all over again. " _Bring it on,_ fire flower," Coop declared at last. "Let's see what you've got!"

"I _do_ love an open invitation. But fair warning: Marisa's spunk in stealing my attack is to be admired..." The parasol's glow became steadily brighter, and Yuuka's voice inceased in volume to match. "...but when you absolutely _must_ reduce everything in your path to a mist of atoms, **accept...** _ **no... SUBSTITUTES!"**_

/-/-/-/

Kiva's mind raced. Marisa's Final Master Spark had been large and dangerous enough when she was at _normal_ size, judging by what it did to Suika. Magnifying Yuuka by such a high factor had done the same to her parasol, and as demonstrated already, any attacks launched from it would be far out of proportion to- - -...

A copy of Yuuka split off from her, taking up an attack position close by. Both youkai smiled in anticipation and aimed their parasols at Megas, a loud hum increasing in pitch as they shone with an awesome power.

**Double Spark**

...

Patchouli and Reisen both looked unnerved and pale, even knowing that this was a Spell Card duel, and quickly bolted for whatever cover they could find. Marisa drifted back out of range but continued to watch, determined to stick it out until the end. Having _very_ vivid memories of Yuuka using this same attack against _her_ once upon a time, Alice clamped a hand over her mouth to keep from screaming and followed the others behind cover.

Youmu whirled around to hide behind Yuyuko, trusting that she would protect her eyes from the attack... only to find that Yuyuko had the same idea in trying to hide behind _her._ Yukari and Ran said nothing, but instead adjusted the sunglasses that hadn't been on their faces a few seconds before.

...

Reimu didn't have as much success as Alice with her self-control, and Jamie's frightened yell of "There's _two_ of them?! You're kidding me!" wasn't helping her mood. She would've liked to break the back window and escape, but her own honesty made her admit... _silently..._ that she didn't want to see these three lose to Yuuka, either. Reimu's scream was thus less out of fear and more out of frustration, as she couldn't figure out how to set up a victory without outright breaking the Spell Card rules.

Kiva watched apprehensively, hoping against hope that the youkai wouldn't hold anything against them afterward. Jamie had hunkered down and pulled his cap down over his eyes, cringing and whimpering.

_"EEE-AAAAAHHHH!"_

Reimu had just enough time to be surprised at Coop's own yell before he _slammed_ his forehead against a rather conspicuous button on the control panels. _What the...?!_

_**"OBLIVION AWAITS!"** _

An indescribably electrifying **BOOM** as the twin flower manipulators let it rip with the Double Spark...

...

If anyone capable of it had been watching from space, they would have seen the hidden paradise cleaved in half by a shining white line.

/-/

Everything was blinding. The fighters. The Garden of the Sun. The surrounding landscape. For those nearest to the spectacle, it felt like the air itself was being violently shaken to the point of destabilizing. If Yuuka and Megas hadn't been high enough off the ground, Gensokyo's landscape would have been irrevocably changed.

Onlookers throughout the land would never forget the sight, for varying reasons. At the distant Youkai Mountain, the wolf tengu Momiji cried out and recoiled as the bright lights seared her vision. For someone with that sort of sharp eyesight, the Double Spark was too dazzling to look at directly.

/-/

Taking no chances with the Village's safety, Keine had worked to hide its history since the battle had begun. Now that her home was safe, she found that she could do little more than watch and worry as the night sky turned into day.

/-/

Tenshi had hoped to be entertained by the surface world's inhabitants, but this went _far_ beyond the Celestial's wildest dreams. As she watched the fight from the safety of Bhava-Agra, she was unable to keep herself from falling to her knees and shivering as she experienced awe and fear in equal measures.

/-/

On the Hakurei shrine's roof Suika giggled and cackled at the far-off display, eyes shining with delight at the response Coop had triggered in his enemy. "If it's not the Deva, it's the Destructor. You sure know how to pick 'em, big guy!" She took a quick drink and raised her gourd towards the sky, saluting her one-time opponent. _"Cheers!"_

/-/

Reimu couldn't see. None of them could, not in the face of such blinding light. She remembered the first time she had gone up against the Double Spark all those years ago, and it was intimidating enough facing it at normal size. In its amplified state, it would have made Spell Card duels complete trivialities against all but the fastest of opponents, rendering it unfair to use in a heartbeat.

_What can I do? What_ can _I do? Please! There's got to be- - -..._

She felt the car jerk suddenly, coming to a halt, and heard the sound of metal crashing into fabric. She tried to open her eyes and nearly regretted it, the illumination still too much... but what she _could_ see almost made them widen on reflex.

Both Yuuka and her doppleganger were still locked into the Double Spark but had doubled over, gasping. Reimu realized what must have happened: Megas had charged ahead, ducking _beneath_ their parasols and holding out its arms to nail its opponent(s) in their mid-sections, stunning them just as they'd triggered their attacks.

It had only taken _one_ to bushwhack _two_. To Reimu, it seemed like an odd reversal of the endless night. Back then with each duel, it had taken two people to get the best of _one._ Cooperation and teamwork had been the key to resolving that incident, she remembered.

One against two.

Two against one.

Cooperation. Teamwork. A combination of powers...

And with a gasp of her own, Reimu finally connected the dots. She knew how to get herself and these idiots out of the mess they were in. _"Kiva!"_ she yelled, trying to make herself heard over the roar of light and sound. _"I need to get inside Megas's heart!"_ She pointed down at the floor with her free hand.

_**"INSIDE?!**_ _"_ Kiva exclaimed, her voice barely audible. _"Why?"_

_"Trust me, Kiva! Coop, do you hear me? I've got an idea!"_

The soldier opened her mouth for just a second, as if to demand clarification... then quickly closed it. It wouldn't take long for Yuuka to recover from being stunned, so they would have to move quickly; Reimu knew that Kiva was probably thinking along the same lines. Megas was safe from the Double Spark and its attendant danmaku in its current position, but once it wore off the prototype would be fair game once more.

Coop for his part seemed reluctant to listen, but finally he agreed that assistance was needed. " _...Fine, but hurry up in there! There's a door in the floor, now GO if you want to help! I've got some weeding to do!"_

Reimu nodded and gave the floor a quick examination as she unbuckled her seat belt, looking for something that would allow her to enter Megas's core... but stopped when Kiva's boot tapped a small button before her, opening the hatch that Coop had referred to. After shooting the soldier an appreciative look, she picked up her gohei and jumped into the machine's darkened depths.

...

Reimu had exited the car at just the right time. The magnified Double Spark ran out of power, Yuuka's double faded from existence... and her facial expression defaulted back to 'unrighteous fury'. "The power to disintegrate mountain ranges in a single stroke..." she yelled as she smashed an elbow into Megas, driving it down away from her, "...was not meant to be _dodged so easily!"_

Coop re-oriented Megas and threw it in reverse, putting it out of melee range. "Next time, watch your blind spot," he shot back. "You wouldn't last a minute on the Jersey Turnpike!"

Yuuka grimaced as the pain in her stomach disappeared. "Don't know what that is, and I'm _through_ caring. All I care about now is finishing this fight and giving you the ending you richly deserve."

"I told you to _bring it_ ," Coop reminded her. "Why ain't you bringing it?"

That's _the question of the night, isn't it? He's found a way to counter or outlast everything I've been bringing to the table, hanging in there despite everything. Were I fighting without a grudge, I'd be offering a backhanded compliment right now._

_...Well, I'll figure something out. I always do._

Yuuka said nothing more on the subject, flying on in to bring the weight and power of her parasol to bear. One way or another, this fight _would_ be ending soon.

/-/-/-/

Reimu couldn't make heads or tails out of anything in this place. Even for something Megas's size, the interior was far larger than it should have been. They didn't even have the excuse of time and space manipulation for this one... but it was a dangerous system regardless. She resolved to ask Kiva about it later.

On the plus side there were no enemies shooting at her, so she could focus entirely on her flight... in theory. On the downside being crushed was a very real possibility, as Reimu quickly discovered. On top of that there were large sections that were almost completely dark, forcing her to land and traverse those passages on foot to keep from slamming headfirst into an unyielding wall. The last danger wasn't helped by Megas's erratic movements, and thrice she had to pick herself off the floor to keep herself going.

At last, Reimu spied a fully illuminated room at the end of the latest tunnel. Her intuition telling her that it was her destination, she charged full tilt into it... and stopped, briefly awed by what she was seeing there. Even knowing that Megas's energy source had to be something powerful, she hadn't quite been prepared for what was present. "...Wow. _...Wow."_

/-/-/-/-/

Twisting herself free from an armlock that Megas had managed to catch her in, Yuuka took flight and peppered the mech with a quick barrage of flower bullets to keep it from getting closer. She was tired of being proven wrong in believing that the fight was quickly reaching its conclusion in her favor. _Surprises upon surprises, tricks upon tricks. Is there no end to this machine's tenacity?_

Of course Megas's head _was_ down to about a quarter of a gas tank, but she had no way of knowing that.

Another storm of missiles interrupted Yuuka for a moment, and she raised her parasol to intercept them. Most of them exploded harmlessly against it, while a few fell below its rim and detonated against her ankles. Feeling that the nearly-negligible damage could be dealt with, she somersaulted in mid-air and stuck out her foot in an axe kick that Megas just barely grazed.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Sitting in the middle of the room was a glass column, with dozens upon hundreds of electric bolts that darted between the floor and ceiling, emitting a constant crackling noise that stung the ears to listen to. Looking at it Reimu could understand _why_ Megas had tons of power to spare, but for the life of her she didn't understand _how_. Something like this was far beyond what little she knew of the outside world's workings.

Reimu quickly pulled herself together, devoting her mind to the task at hand. _But that's okay. I don't_ _ **need**_ _to understand. I just have to figure out what I need to do in order to follow through on- - -...wait._

_Wait a moment. If I..._

/-/-/-/-/

_What next? Should I wait them out, withstand its attacks before dealing a crushing blow? Trigger another Spell Card? I still have the two new ones I haven't used yet, so that's an idea._

Then another thought entered Yuuka's mind, and she smiled dangerously as she made her decision. _Of course, I don't_ really _need to play nice anymore..._

/-/-/-/-/

The miko was silent as she pondered the sudden brainstorm she'd been struck with. The room shook again and all but threw her to the floor, but she was lost enough in thought that she barely noticed.

_..._

A soft sigh. _I don't know why I'm letting them influence my behavior like this. It's a stupid idea and it could quite possibly spell my end, but... this entire evening has been stupid to begin with. I'll do it._

_..._

_If this fails..._ Reimu shook her head angrily, dispelling the thought as it formed. _No. It has to work. It_ will _work. I'll_ _ **make**_ _it work._

/-/-/-/-/

"DOUBLE DEUCE!"

Before Yuuka could carry out her idea, Megas's hands sliced down onto her shoulders. The youkai's innate toughness saved her arms, but the force she was hit with was still enough to disrupt her flight and send her crashing into the ground thirty meters below. She pushed herself out of the resulting crater, spitting out a mouthful of dirt, and laughed as Megas descended to the ground close by.

_Thanks for making it easy for me!_

Jumping back to her feet, Yuuka screamed a blood-curdling battle cry that would have put fear into the hearts of the Celestials themselves; Megas's occupants seemed to recoil at this, as she expected. _Good. Finish this, finish you, finished forever!_ "May the Yama have mercy, because _I_ never will!" she yelled, the earth beneath her quaking as she ran forwards. She raised her hand to grab Megas's head- - -...

/-/-/-/-/

A rage-filled cry echoed back to Reimu, barely heard over the electricity and Megas's metallic clanging, and she nodded. She stood up, wiping some imagined dust off her sleeves. It was now or never.

/-/-/-/-/

A minute observation grabbed Yuuka's attention just before she reached her target. She didn't stop her charge by any means, but it _did_ slow down her reaction time by a split second. There was something missing from the fight. Something vital- - -...

That split second lull was enough for Megas. Pivoting on one foot, it spun around and behind Yuuka- - -evading her grab attempt by scant meters- - -and wrapped both arms around her, locking her arms against her sides.

Yuuka almost laughed at this. Standard armlocks wouldn't accomplish anything, so what good would a bear hug do? She barely even felt any pressure at all from the restraints. "My rage alone should have left you shivering in fear," she stated, curious despite herself. Slowly and unstoppably, she pushed her arms away from her body. "Why are you still able to fight?"

/-/-/-/-/

A flick of the hand, and a Spell Card appeared between Reimu's fingers. She chanted softly, focusing her power through it, made as if she intended to use it on herself... then slapped it against the column's casing. The electric crackling intensified, the bolts brightening as a foreign energy source was transmitted- - -...

/-/-/-/-/

"Are you kidding me? Is that all you got?" Megas's oversized pilot declared, trying and failing to keep Yuuka's arms pinned. "If a Squid Doomsday ain't going to be stopping me, you ain't got nothing either. Get mad all you want; I'm not afraid of you no more!"

"Coop, for crying out loud!" both of the other occupants chorused with no small amount of exasparation.

_Both_ of the other occupants...

And even without looking back, Yuuka realized why the situation seemed off. _Curious. I don't hear the miko. Where's Hakurei? Why did she- - -_...

She would never finish that thought as a storm of light shone from below them both.

...

...

"Why do I get the feeling something awesome is going to happen?" Marisa asked, completely straight-faced.

"I found an undocumented side effect in that medicine," Patchouli complained to Reisen. "I actually _agree_ with her."

Alice kept quiet, hoping to appear at least _halfway_ sane. _Is it the 'good' or 'bad' sort of awesome? That's what is important here...!_

/-/-/-/-/

From her perspective, the column- - -energy and all- - -turned slightly translucent, the Spell Card glowing as it maintained the effect. Tentatively Reimu lifted her hand and touched the column... and was rewarded as her hand passed through, brushing safely against the electricity without so much as a tingle. Steeling herself, she stepped into the column's interior and raised both hands over her head, directing the bulk of the Card's power- - -no, _her_ power- - -into Megas's systems.

_**"FANTASY NATURE!"** _

/-/-/-/

Far away, Yukari's eyes narrowed speculatively as she witnessed a new sigil blaze to life at the machine's feet: two hands- - -one snow white, one inky black- - -connected by their lower palms, with their index and pinky fingers raised in the gesture that Coop and Jamie were fond of using. Too, she recognized the glow that Megas was starting to emit.

...

Coop permitted himself a glance at one of the monitors as five words flashed on it. The smile on his lips as he reached for one of the joysticks to confirm his selection was all too familiar.

It was time to finish this.

Something overrode Yuuka's strength outright, getting a confused "...Eh?" in response, and Megas's grip tightened with a suddenness that surprised her. "Got a message to you from one champ to another," Coop stated, shifting gears and pushing down on the accelerator.

The car's engine roared and a loud **BOOM** shook everyone's eardrums as Megas triggered all of its boosters at once, quickly accelerating past the sound barrier as it shot far into the sky. Still struggling in its grip as they matched or possibly _exceeded_ the height of Gensokyo's highest mountains, Yuuka could see the land for many miles around- - -even places where she hadn't been to in decades. If this had been done of her own initative, she would have smiled at the sort of view that comparatively few would ever get to see.

This was entirely involuntary, though, and there was no chance of her escaping this time. "What are you planning, obese one?" Yuuka snarled, turning her head enough to make Jamie cower in the face of that glowing red eye. "You won't be able to harm me anymore up here than you would at ground lev _ellllllllll- - -!"_

**Divine Northern Fist: Fantastic Piledriver**

A new song interrupted the battle music: simultaneously majestic and intense, an orchestra blaring at full volume while the drums and bass guitar went along for the ride. Coop and the others felt the power that accompanied it, the sensations that fully implied that _someone_ here was going on a first-class trip dirtside, all expenses paid and no refunds permitted. In Megas's core, Reimu smiled as she recognized those feelings for what they were.

...

Meanwhile, Yuuka's question shifted into a shriek as she was quickly flipped upside down, then Megas plunged towards the distant ground. The prototype began to spin, faster and faster until the combatants could no longer be discerned as anything but a blue, orange, and red tornado. Those things didn't worry her, since if that was all there was she'd be able to fight on after that, albeit at reduced energy.

What _did_ worry her was that Megas seemed to be shifting in and out of reality, its form occasionally becoming somewhat transparent before solidifying again. In addition to that she was beginning to sense a familiar energy at the Sentinel's core. She suspected it was giving the Spell Card the right kind of power needed to bypass her defenses, and...

... _and..._

_...and I think I'm going to be sick!_

Yuuka had just enough time to wonder why her opponent wasn't experiencing the same effects before she let herself succumb to the vertigo. Her last clear view before her vision blackened was the sea of yellow and green that was spiraling ever closer.

_**"ROOCCCK OONNNNNN!"** _

Touchdown- - -...

Gensokyo lit up for the second time in as many minutes, and a mighty blast of wind and debris howled in the on-lookers' faces. Yukari was quick to trigger the creation of a Quadruple Barrier, shielding herself and those with her; she didn't so much as flinch when a wailing Rumia ricocheted off of it. Patchouli and Alice ducked back behind cover and created shields of their own; these weren't as strong as the Quadruple Barrier, but the two of them were far enough away from ground zero that the defenses lasted just long enough. Marisa and Reisen didn't try anything fancy, instead just hiding behind the others until the danger passed.

The wind gradually dwindled to a light breeze, and the lights lessened until the only illumination came from the cloud-shrouded moon and that which dotted Megas. Yukari and the youkai magicians lowered their respective shields (what was left of them), tentatively investigating the outcome of the combination attack... and _cringed._ The fallout from this was _not_ going to be pretty.

The source of their unease stood up, remained still and silent for several long moments, then swung both fists into the air triumphantly as a glimmer of light briefly flared upwards across its torso.

_SCHWING!_

/-/-/-/-/-/

It took a few minutes for Yuuka to will herself awake, and when she opened her eyes she immediately squeezed them shut again. The world was spinning violently, her equlibrium destabilized. Her head pounded with an ache far worse than any alcohol-induced hangover that she could remember having in ages, although it was gradually lessening the longer she stayed still.

_That was... that was an unusual way to end a duel. And... I... can't recall clearly, but... it almost felt like I was being attacked by_ Reimu _for a moment there..._

After allowing herself a few more moments of recovery, Yuuka opened her eyes. Her vision was still swimming, but she thought she could discern the metal contraption that the humans were using just standing nearby... and as far as size was concerned, she felt incredibly small next to it. _Does that mean... that I'm back to normal?..._

Two forms climbed out of the machine's head and made their way down to her, one of them flying to the ground and the other being lowered via a giant hand. Both of them were silhouetted by the lights on the thing's head, but Yuuka recognized Reimu's voice as the girl approached: "Is your head all clear? I'm not in the mood to fight again tonight, especially not against _you,_ but I will if I have to."

Yuuka felt more than heard herself answer, the headache still substantial enough to drown out most sensations. Resisting the urge to retch, she spoke: "Is... is that you, Hakurei? What kept you?"

"Supervising a child's playtime," Reimu answered bluntly. The woman next to her snorted softly, amused.

"Interesting way of looking at it..." Yuuka slowly raised herself onto her hands, feeling the reassuring presence of her parasol beneath one of them. "I guess we got out of hand if _you're_ talking to me, though..."

"That shouldn't have been your first clue," spoke Reimu's associate, gesturing at the land around them.

Blink. "What do you mean, human? ... ..." A quick look around... and it was only then that she noticed that they were at the bottom of a large crater. Estimations as to its size weren't coming in, but the fact that there was a crater at all worried her. With some effort, Yuuka got her feet beneath her and flew up slowly past the crater's edge.

The devestation was far worse than she realized. Barring some stubborn sunflowers along the farthest edges, the entire Garden of the Sun was just plain gone. Not just damaged like the Forest of Magic had been before, but _GONE._ Some of the grasslands, flora and other natural markings around the perimeter had met the same fate, and a fair number of trees had sustained significant damage. Yuuka had little doubt that sunflower pieces littered Gensokyo by now, a thought that made her blood boil...

...Yet, that thought was met by another. While she didn't truly _enjoy_ being a giantess, she had to admit that it allowed her to bring her maximum power to bear on a culprit of equal size. She had probably expended more energy in that one fight than she typically used in one year, having the time of her life in doing so... and she had met her match at the hands of a stronger opponent.

_A stronger opponent. A machine... something that isn't even_ alive... _is greater... than me...? I... I can't comprehend that... I just_ can't _comprehend that..._

Yuuka descended back to the bottom of the crater, her thoughts conflicted. She heard Reimu and the other human talk, but she wasn't listening. Part of her wanted to rage, to tear apart and crush anything that was nearby. She realized that she was willing to risk Reimu's wrath to do so, for she felt like a piece of her was ripped out after seeing the Garden flicker along the edges of non-existence. At the same time her strength was (for the moment) at an all-time low and she still felt fairly nauseous, while Reimu likely had enough in her for an "extermination" of the more permanent kind...

And the idea of Megas squashing her beneath its feet didn't paint a pretty picture, either. If Yuuka gave in to her anger, that was another fate she could potentially face. Of course she'd survive the experience, but the subsequent humiliation was more than she felt like dealing with. Her hands tightened as she struggled to think, to determine what- - -...

Rumbling and creaking made her look up. The machine was moving again, one of its hands near its head, and Yuuka could discern its controllers moving around a bit up there. Finally the hand lowered, and the machine stooped down a little. Yuuka squeezed her eyes shut, took a deep breath, and braced herself for a final blow- - -...

Something landed in her hand. Something... papery. As the machine straightened again, Yuuka risked opening her eyes to see what happened.

Sitting there in her palm, nearly as large as the hand that now held them, were four packets of sunflower seeds. Yuuka tried to say something, found that she couldn't...

...and her vision filled up with clouds.

...

Reimu looked on, feeling completely weirded out. Next to her, Kiva scratched her head in confusion and turned to face her. "Is everyone with real power here a complete oddball, or do they just fake it for the visitors?"

"I can't answer that." Reimu continued to stare, not believing what she was seeing. "That bumbling friend of yours... I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. I never thought I'd see the day."

Kiva rolled her eyes. "It happens more often than I'd like to think."

"You misunderstand, Andru-san." Reimu gestured at Yuuka with her gohei. "Look at this. This is the most pathetic thing I've seen in years. Someone with her strength isn't supposed to look so... helpless!"

"See previous answer," Kiva replied, her stance unchanged.

Before them, the Flower Master of the Four Seasons- - -the same woman who would smile politely and joke about such things as genocide and violence, and the same being who had just gotten done pushing Megas's limits- - -was clutching the seed packets close to her like a lifeline, eyes round and glimmering with tears unshed.

Most of those who were close enough to clearly see this sighed in relief and relaxed a little. The night was far from over, and time would tell if Yuuka could keep the smoldering remnants of her fury in check, but it seemed that the worst of it was behind them.

/-/-/-/-/-/

_Oooh... ugh... what hit me?_

Seija crawled out of the hole she'd created in the hillside, having just regained consciousness at around the same time the far-off battle had concluded. She looked around in search of anything that could've attacked her, then shook her head when she saw nothing. _That was abusing the weak, I know it. ...Well, whatever. As long as it doesn't do it again, I don't give a flip._

Standing up, Seija closed her eyes and stretched out her arms- - -and immediately had a damaged sunflower head ricochet off her face at high speed. It wasn't as dangerous as getting smacked by a giant bullet would have been, but it still had enough force to knock her back inside the hole. "This is _not_ my laughing face, you idiots!" she exclaimed from within, furious.

The nearby fairies begged to differ. "Yay!"

/-/-/-/-/-/

Coop had his hands behind his head as he relaxed, waiting for Kiva to return. "Well, that was fun. Won a tough fight and got rid of those seeds Mom had me bring. All that's left is to get rid of the rest, get home and get to the buffet."

"Dude, that chick was vicious," Jamie said, warily looking out the window down at Yuuka. "If it weren't for those Rules, she would've ripped Megas apart."

"And that's different from the usual, _how?_ We keep getting into stuff over our heads, and we keep winning. Would _you_ argue with something like that?"

As Jamie continued to watch, Yukari and three others appeared- - -the ghost princess and her gardener, plus a multi-tailed woman he didn't recognize. They immediately approached those on the ground to get the full story. "... ...Nah. I'll say _this,_ though: that lady has the dumbest hat _I've_ ever seen."

_"I heard that!"_

"...And sharp ears, too," Coop quipped. "Who's yelling down there?"

"Don't know," Jamie said, "but whoever she is, she's a real fox."

_"That's because I_ am _a fox!"_

The both of them looked unsure at this. "...Mmmmaybe it's best to leave well enough alone?" Coop suggested.

"Yeah, I think I've been shot down enough times for one night," Jamie agreed. "Or one day... man, that's gonna take some getting used to."

Coop didn't have anything to say to that.

Someone else, on the other hand, did. "I take it getting shot down is a regular thing for you? My condolences."

"It is _not_ \- - -whoa!" Jamie leaned as far back against his seat as he could at the sight of a battle-weary Yuuka standing near the car. Only Reimu's cautious presence next to the youkai kept him from losing it. "What are you doing up here? The fight's over!"

"Because while Yakumo's hashing things out with the brains of your trio, this gives me a chance to clear up some confusion," Yuuka said, no longer looking like she wanted to cry. She swerved for a moment, then steadied herself. "Just now, when I was given those seeds... were you trying to mock me? Or was it supposed to be some sort of consolation prize given in a futile attempt to stem my anger?"

"Dunno what you're talking about," Coop denied. "Mom told me to give gifts to my..." Quote marks. "...'new friends', so I was giving gifts. Coincidence, that's all it was."

"And you think besting me in battle is enough for you to consider _me_ a friend?" Yuuka asked, eyes half-lidded. "If that's true, your views on friendship are more warped than my sense of humor."

Before Coop could tell her that her thoughts about his intentions were getting way out there, Reimu added her two yen to the discussion. "Don't dismiss it so quickly. It's worked for everyone _I've_ beaten." She added in a mutter: "Don't ask me why."

Yuuka glared sideways at her. "Stay out of this, Hakurei. I'm not going to start offering them bouquets and pretend none of this happened. Especially not after what they did to start all this."

"Look, lady," Coop protested. "I didn't do nothing. All I did was turn Megas around so I could leave. I didn't do any attacks until the fight!"

"And you expect me to believe that? Do you have _any_ sort of proof other than your word?" Yuuka asked, arms folded. "I know what it's like to hear plants being mutilated. There wasn't anyone else in the vicinity. So who did it, if it wasn't you? Go ahead and speak, human. I'm listening."

Seeing Coop at a loss for words, Reimu opened her mouth to defend him- - -...

"Hey, pansy! Leave him alone, ze!"

...- - -and quickly closed it as Marisa rocketed onto the scene, placing herself directly between Yuuka and Megas's head. Reimu noticed that for once, Marisa's weapon of choice was nowhere to be seen. "I was wondering where you were," the miko greeted her. "Did Alice and the others leave already?"

"No, they went off to catch a youkai that was flying around drunk and looking suspicious. I figured I'd offer some tough love if anyone needed some and flew over here."

"...Nice choice of words," Reimu deadpanned.

A smile and a nod. "Thanks. I've always thought so."

Yuuka noticed something other than Marisa's lack of a weapon. "Huh. You..." An eyebrow raised. "...haven't grown up much at all, actually."

"Let's not start _that_ again."

"Hm. So..." Yuuka's tone took on a vaguely threatening edge. "Why are you so quick to defend these outsiders? If you were watching the fight, then you know full well _why_ I was against them."

"Answer my question, and I'll answer yours," Marisa returned. "How much noise did Megas make when it crushed your flowers?"

Blink. "How much...?"

"I know noise," Marisa said. "And I know explosions. Everything I've been told about it tells me that two things happen when Megas breaks something: _One,_ things blow up, or _Two,_ stuff gets demolished. Both of these things involve a lot of noise from something that big, am I right?"

"...I'm following you," Yuuka conceded reluctantly.

"So think back, Yuuka. In the seconds leading up to those flowers getting damaged, what kind of noises took place? Describe them for me, ze."

Yuuka had to think carefully about this as she tried to isolate her initial perspective of Megas when it arrived; she still had a headache to put up with, but it had mostly dulled itself by now (though the lingering nausea was doing nothing to help her). From what she recalled there were the sounds of its controller talking, and of her refusing a gift request. There was the faint speech of that human Reimu was with, telling Coop to be careful not to cause an incident- - -...

_Hmm. What else?_

There had been metallic creaking as Megas began its turn, and a heavy 'thud' as its feet hit the earth. Yuuka's thoughts briefly turned towards the fight, and she realized that she'd subconsciously began to associate the former noise with any of Megas's major movements- - -...

_Okay, I think I'm getting close to something here. The distance between the Sentinel and the edge of the Garden was too great even for something of its size to have just kicked it casually. This means that Coop would have needed to use his projectile weapons to cause damage._

If Megas had used its run-of-the-mill missiles, there would be puffs of smoke, loud whistling, and flashes of light. If it had used any beam weapons, the illumination and noisy ruckus would have been a dead giveaway. Even its more unconventional weaponry, such as those rotating saw blades it had used at one point, had an obvious tell to them.

_But there weren't any of those things. Just the Sentinel's typical wheezing, a strange sound, and the flowers breaking. No smoke, no lights, nothing. I didn't see what exactly caused the flowers to snap apart, so I assumed that- - -..._

_Wait. ...Wait, wait, wait, wait,_ _**wait.** _ _Come on, Yuuka, focus._ _**Focus...** _

_There it is. I remember it now._ Yuuka's face soured, but it was more from a realization that she'd jumped to conclusions instead of just thinking things through. Both Marisa and Coop saw her expression and smiled, while Jamie seemed a bit more wary. Kiva was still down on the ground with Yukari, so Yuuka didn't know how they were reacting to this, if they could.

As soon as Megas had begun to turn, there had been an impact: the sound of metal coming into contact with cloth and flesh, and a high-pitched yelp. Both of those noises had almost been completely lost behind the machine's idling engine, hence why they didn't immediately jump to the front of her memory. _Which means that someone else had been present before the fight and had gotten too close, someone that I'd missed entirely. Absolutely super._

Yuuka refused to give Marisa the satisfaction of seeing her facepalm, however. She liked to think she had enough dignity to avoid something like _that._

"Are we interrupting anything?" an unfamiliar voice asked. Yuuka and Marisa turned to see Reisen and the remaining two magicians fly in on an approach vector, stopping just short of Megas. The Flower Master noticed that the purple-haired one- - -someone with the air of the elements about her- - -stayed the farthest back, incredibly cautious and occasionally flicking her eyes in the direction of Coop (who was now busy trying to get Megas to pick up _any_ television signal and failing miserably).

"You probably interrupted me winning an argument, but I guess I can let it slide," Marisa said. _Oh quiet, you._ "Did you catch that drunk youkai?"

"Yes," Alice said with a dismissive shrug. Seeing her filled Yuuka with a vague sort of nostalgia, and she smiled; the girl before her shuddered, turned away, and continued speaking. "I-it turned out to be Rumia. As soon as she saw us, she panicked and yelled about being attacked from out of nowhere."

"I'm assuming you got her to elaborate, ze?"

"Didn't take much," Alice said, nodding in thanks to Reisen. "According to her, she was struck by something large and metallic and sent flying. The next thing she knew, she had a sunflower head for a pillow."

_...! Oh,_ _**really?** _

"How on Earth did we not see something like _that?"_ Jamie spoke up for the first time. "It's not like you girls are exactly hard to miss."

"She probably had herself covered in darkness to try and scare people." Marisa shrugged. "Yes, she can do that. Thing is, she isn't very bright. Sure, it can be scary for the uninformed, but it makes her completely blind. Poor sap likely didn't even know where she was..." She gestured at Coop and Yuuka. "...and with how dark it is now, neither did you."

"...I'd love to see how a fighting game with you people would look," Jamie said. "The whole lot of you are so overpowered it's not even funny."

Yuuka had no clue what Jamie was talking about, and most of the others seemed to share her sentiments. Surprisingly, it was the elemental magician who replied to him. "Which tier would _I_ be in?"

"No clue," the slacker told her, not quite realizing the implications of her question. "Pretty high up, I think."

"Good enough." The magician turned to Yuuka. "And you? Are you satisfied?"

_I guess in the end... the fact that the Garden is destroyed is just as much my fault as it is Coop, Rumia, and Marisa's. That's... more than a little embarrassing._ "...I suppose giving these three the benefit of a doubt would be prudent," Yuuka decided, having had enough for now. She fixed Coop with a warning glare, albeit one with little force behind it. "But _careful where you step next time, you hear me?"_

"Hmfph?" Coop looked up from his work, part of a sandwich in his mouth. "Youf sy smfthn?"

"...Never mind. Getting through to you is more of a hassle than I feel up to going through," Yuuka said, shaking her head. "I'm leaving."

Without any further business being there, she turned away and flew off to find a quiet place to rest and recover. _I have a lot of work ahead of me, and if I can do it_ without _the nausea, terrific._

_Farewell, Coop. Good-bye, Megas. If we ever meet again it will be too much, too soon._

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

At last, Coop was able to finish what he'd visited Gensokyo to do. Marisa left Megas a bit disappointed, as the only items of any worth in there were a couple of magazines depicting things that looked like the machine's head. Even then, all of the text was in a language that she only had a cursory knowledge of, and while the "hamburgers" looked nice she'd always had a preference for Japanese food.

_Oh well,_ Marisa thought with a shrug. _If I ever get tired of looking at the pictures I can always take these over to Kourin, ze. You win some, you lose some... And speaking of losing some, maybe Patchy will like what I left in there for her._

Marisa looked back over her shoulder, watching as Kiva returned to Megas's head- - -having just finished discussing the situation with Yukari and the others- - -and Patchouli reluctantly took her turn in the gift line. Alice was lingering nearby, but Reisen had disappeared after things were cleared up with Yuuka; Marisa had no way of knowing whether the rabbit had left for home or was just being anti-social. _This is one of those events that will go down in history. It's not every day when you not just hear rumors of giant monsters, but get to watch them fight each other too. Suika was one thing, but taking on Yuuka and winning? I know a few people who will probably go_ nuts _over a first-hand account..._

She sighed, her disappointment growing heavier. _Still wish I'd been in there instead of Reimu. And I_ _ **really**_ _wish I hadn't lost that powder, ze. My plans for the night have been a total wash, and the chances of me trying again aren't looking good._ A tremendous yawn. _Well, no matter. If I can't become a giant too, it's not a tremendous deal._

"I'm surprised, Marisa."

Marisa turned as Alice approached her, the dollmaker's face unreadable. "Surprised at what?"

"That you didn't take that astrology book up there," Alice said. "I would've thought that it would be the sort of thing you'd go for."

"I didn't think there was anything in there I didn't have access to already," Marisa said with a shrug. "I was collecting stuff on that topic since before we ever met."

Alice chose to drop the subject. "If you say so. ... If you don't mind me asking, how are you going to manage flying that broom and carrying those magazines at the same time?"

"It's no problem," Marisa told her with a smile. She rolled up one of the magazines and made to secure it to her baldric... "I can just..." ...and remembered that when Megas's Super Destructor Mode card was active, it had damaged most of said baldric beyond repair. "...try to carry them in my apron, I guess."

"...Sounds difficult," Alice said, an odd inflection in her voice. "Guess carrying home the book wouldn't have been an option anyway."

Marisa pretended not to notice, untying the apron and placing the magazines on it before folding it up at the corners. "Nope, sure wasn't," she agreed, deciding that tying the bundle to her broom was probably her best option...

_...!_

"Hold on a second!" Alice exclaimed sharply, eyes widening. "Marisa, you said you were going to that mansion's library, correct?" Her tone was wavering dangerously as she realized several things at once.

"And if you believe that, I've got a grimoire to trade you."

"And you were carrying a flask with you when we crossed paths this evening," Alice went on. "A flask that disappeared shortly before the big fight."

"Hey, nothing wrong with partying now and again."

_Strangest euphemism for "stealing" I've heard yet._ "That means that the giant fairies, the duel with Suika by extension..." Alice's fists tightened, and her blue eyes turned a sharp yellow. "...and the conflict with Yuuka... Marisa, I ought to tie you to explosive dolls and make you beg for mercy, never mind Spell Cards! All this ruination could've been avoided if you'd never put together that concoction in the first place...!"

"And if I'd never put it together, you would never have gotten that sweet scarf," Marisa defended herself as she finished her work.

Alice's eyes went from yellow to blue, switching back and forth a few times as she struggled to rein in her anger. Finally, they settled back to their normal color...

Marisa looked up at Megas thoughtfully. "Speaking of the outsiders, they've given us stuff but we haven't given _them_ anything, ze. How about it, Alice? You got anything I could give to them?"

...only to turn dangerous again. "You have five seconds to amend your previous request, Marisa."

"Okay. Mind if I paint little pictures of your dolls next to those silhouettes on- - -" Marisa quickly ducked beneath a laser shot from a summoned doll. " **Whoa,** hostile!"

"Unrepentant as always," Alice sighed, eyes dimming back to blue for the final time that night. "Don't you have _any_ remorse for what you've caused tonight?"

"...Maybe it _was_ a bit overboard," Marisa admitted, managing to look a bit sheepish. "Wish I hadn't lost that first batch, though."

"Dare I hope that it was for an altruistic reason?"

"Because half the ingredients in the powder take upwards of fourteen to twenty years to propagate." Marisa lifted off a half meter, settling onto her broom. "That was some rare fungus and roots that went in there, and they don't turn up in the Forest too often. I wanted to see if it was possible to grow large enough to take everything in the library that wasn't nailed down, just because. Looking at Yuuka, I don't think I would have succeeded."

"What?" A whooshing noise from above got their attention, and Patchouli came to a stop a few feet away. Marisa noticed and silently approved of the fact that the book she'd deliberately hadn't touched was now in the One Week Wizard's possession. "Even discounting the fact that it would have been impossible for you to empty out _my_ library, twenty-plus meters wasn't big enough for you?"

"...I was shooting for the moon, ze," Marisa admitted, hand behind her head.

Dual facepalms. "Listen to me," Alice groaned past her hand. "Promise me, promise Patchouli, promise Reimu, promise _everyone_ that you won't try anything so ridiculous again."

"...Well, I dunno..."

" _Promise us,"_ Patchouli snarled warningly.

"...Ehhhhh... well, alright, I- - -SOMETHING UNSEEABLE IS IN THE WAY!" Marisa abruptly blurted out, whirling to point a finger in a random direction.

She'd intended to divert the others' attention for only a second, enough time to make a fast getaway via a Blazing Star. However, she ended up pointing directly where She-Of-The-Lunatic-Eyes had been hiding the whole time. As the startled youkai turned towards her, Reisen screeched in surprise at Marisa's actions and accidentally shifted her wave manipulation into a higher gear, going from staying invisible to flattening all three magicians with a wall of sound.

Reisen stammered an apology when she realized what happened, but Alice raised a hand from her prone position and cut her off. "All in favor of just going home and thinking about tonight's events another time, say 'aye'," her muffled voice declared.

"Aye," everyone chorused, Reisen's utterance of the word still sounding a bit regretful.

With that the magicians pried themselves off the ground, with Patchouli getting help from Reisen on that part, and went their own ways with their gifts in hand (or in Alice's case, around her neck). Reisen herself followed suit a minute later, deciding that everything was well in order.

/-/-/-/-/-/

Opening a portal to Jersey City wasn't as simple as just opening a bog-standard gap. Yukari needed to take into account the transition from 'fantasy world' to 'real world', determine the effects the Hakurei Barrier would have on that level of teleportation, calculate the distance between her current location and Goat's junkyard, and split apart reality in such a way that the portal would not only connect the two points, but would also be large enough to accomodate Megas.

The entire endeavor was well within Yukari's capabilities, and at best it wasn't more than a simple exercise, but it still took more energy than she typically felt like expending during a given day. As she watched Ran take the last of the available gifts, she vowed that once she returned home, she would fall asleep and _stay_ asleep until springtime.

...

At last, the portal to the outside world opened. Sunlight from beyond shined onto the nighttime landscape of Gensokyo, forcing most of those present to shield their eyes. It took a few moments, but Reimu's eyes adjusted enough to see the piles of junk scattered around the other end, the massive road beyond them, and the skyline of Jersey City further away still. _What could possibly be so appealing about a place like that? Looks incredibly dull._ She flinched at the distant sounds of car traffic, not knowing what they were. _Noisy, too._

As she looked on, Reimu spied a gray-clothed, mustached human peeking through the portal. The man seemed put off at first... at least until he saw Megas, upon which he nodded as if that explained everything and went about his business. _Add 'bizarrely excepting' to the list._

"...Very creepy, yet very cool," Reimu could hear Jamie admit, likely referring to Yukari's portal.

"That won't be old anytime soon," Kiva commented.

"Yeah, that's the appetizer," Coop said with satisfaction and a touch of eagerness. "Now for the main event. Bernie's Burger Buffet, here we come!" He drove Megas through the gap, blocking out any further sights of the outside, and didn't turn back as Yukari sealed the path closed again.

...And that was that. No real 'good-byes', no sense of finality. The way they sounded, they must have expected that they would be coming back to visit Gensokyo someday. Reimu quietly feared that day and hoped that her friends would at least restrict themselves to one location instead of just roaming around.

_...Hold that thought. 'Friends'? Since when did I start thinking of those three as my friends? That doesn't seem right. Must have been the fight against Yuuka that brought it out, but still... that was nothing more than a desire to win and stay alive._

_...Well, never mind. Marisa's just as much of an oddball as they are, and_ she's _my friend for some twisted reason. Long as they behave themselves, I can put up with them. And I sort of like the idea of having_ human _friends for a change, provided they don't interfere with my work._

_...Though it would've helped if they were something closer to_ normal _friends instead of..._ Reimu gave the devestated Garden of the Sun one last look, arms hanging down as she gave an outward show of dejection. **...** _ **that.**_ "Yukari, do me a favor and send me back home? It's a long flight back _and_ it's late."

Yukari feigned surprise. "Oh? Calling it a night already?"

"Obviously, but I'm going to sample these first and see if they're as tasty as advertised," Reimu said, holding up the container of jelly beans she'd obtained as her 'gift'. "Considering what it took to straighten things out, why _shouldn't_ I have my own minor celebration?"

"Wouldn't be a stretch to say you've earned it," Yukari complimented her, obligingly opening a portal to the shrine. "Consider this one on the house."

Reimu shrugged by way of reply and jumped on through a second before the gap sealed itself, not giving it another thought.

...

"I'm going to deliver these duck toys to Chen and see what she thinks of them," Ran said.

"If she doesn't like them, give them to Morichika-san as souvenirs," Yukari instructed. "We don't need excess trash cluttering the residence." _And by 'excess trash', I mean 'more things Yuyuko can use to wake me up with'._ "Resume your normal duties once you are finished."

"Certainly, Yukari-sama," Ran acquiesced, turning and flying away.

"Youmu, you may as well head back and get some rest, too," Yuyuko told her gardener. "You've got a long day of training tomorrow, remember?"

Youmu was all too eager to follow that simple instruction: she bowed, immediately turned tail and flew away back towards the Netherworld.

...

Yukari remained staring at the empty air long after the others were gone. "Yuyuko," she finally breathed, "during the multitude of parties earlier this year, do you remember those duels we had with 'mirror images' of ourselves?"

"Truly gorgeous duels, they were," Yuyuko confirmed after checking to see if Youmu and Ran were out of earshot. "If I didn't know better, I'd say she was stealing my battle style. Why do you ask?"

For a few brief moments, everything that made Yukari exceedingly dangerous seemed to fade away, allowing her dearest friend to see the anxiety she held within. This was the side of herself that she permitted no one else to see, not even her shikigami and _especially_ not Reimu. "I'm feeling dread, old friend. I'm dreading the future."

"Oh? Do tell. Don't worry, I won't tell a soul."

"Part of it's the fact that they're going to want to come back to visit at some point after winter ends, there's no denying that. However... someday soon, Coop's going to face an opponent that he can't beat with his bravado and Megas's firepower alone." Yukari's gaze hardened as she repeated her words for emphasis. "I'm feeling dread, Yuyuko. I'm dreading the future."

Yuyuko's smile was more consoling than playful for a change. "You have always been the serious one. Do you know something I don't?"

"A great number of things, actually," Yukari said. "But then... you know why."

The silence after those words spoke volumes. Soon enough, though, the silence was shut up when Yuyuko lightly smacked Yukari's forehead with her folded-up fan. "There will always be _some_ things beyond your control," the ghost princess chastised her. "There's nothing wrong with letting someone better equipped than you handle things, and _trusting_ they'll be able to do it."

"Trusting that _Coop_ will be able to handle things? Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you think illogically when your stomach isn't full," Yuyuko said, making a few motions with her arms before floating backwards a bit, smiling.

It took a few moments for Yukari to realize that a Philly cheesesteak had been placed in her hands. "Beg your pardon?"

"Coop gave me two," Yuyuko told her plainly. "I was only hungry for one. I like good food as much as the next person, but I'm not _that_ ravenous."

Yukari finally returned her friend's smile, then nibbled at the food she was given. _Hm... this is actually pretty good. This'll make a good bedtime snack, at least._ "I take it you know something about him that I don't?" she asked before taking another bite.

"A great number of things, actually," Yuyuko parroted. "He left a giant hole in the Saigyou Ayakashi's upper reaches when he arrived."

It took all of the overseer's willpower not to choke on the food she was eating.

"Didn't I _say_ that it was bad for your teeth, Yukari?"

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

All was still in this out-of-the-way place. A grove of fireberries hidden in a grassy canyon provided dim lighting to anyone who could find it, but there was no one present: no humans, no fairies, next to no youkai, no other life forms. Only Yuuka was there, resting and regaining her strength, and in this moment of weakness she valued her privacy.

For what felt like forever, Yuuka couldn't help but stare at the packets in her hand. Within them were dozens of seeds, all ready and waiting to be planted... and from those flowers would come still more. Someday... be it months, seasons or years... the Garden of the Sun would flourish once again, and she would be there to see it through.

Thinking about the battle, Yuuka realized that she felt more introspective than usual. New forces (or at least new to the public at large) had made themselves present in Gensokyo, joining the ranks of those who had been there before. Aside from those present at her battle, one of the Devas had openly made her presence known, and there were rumors of a frightening and calamitous being that lived in the vicinity of Misty Lake. Add those to Coop's machine and the fact that he'd managed to brute force his way into Gensokyo _without_ destroying the Hakurei Barrier, and it became clear to her that the times were changing bit by bit.

Probably wouldn't mean much in the long run, she knew... but as Yuuka pulled a lock of green hair in front of her eyes and regarded the damage done by the Idiot Gun, she said to herself: "Maybe sometime I can update my image a little...?"

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Patchouli sat comfortably in her chair once more. ...Well, more or less comfortably, anyway; the burning feeling in her arms from her improbable throw was still present, though it had faded to a dull roar in the time since Coop's battle against Yuuka had begun. Since she had settled back in and sent Koakuma elsewhere in the Mansion on an errand, she was thinking hard about what she had learned that evening.

_...I get what this medicine's side effects are about now. These dreams I've been having aren't just dreams: they're glimpses of possible futures, or of what could have been. If that powder hadn't transformed Yuuka, Marisa would have used it to take anything she wanted from me. If Coop had been able to attack Suika instead of dodging her last strike, I'd be having misadventures in his hometown for who knows how long._

_But is it really worth it? Seeing the future would be helpful to both myself and Remi, but I don't know just how long I can take dreams like those. Time and again I've woken up from them feeling incredibly stressed. I might end up trading my current illnesses for something worse, for all I know. Should I ask Sakuya to return the rest of this medicine to the rabbit?_

_..._

_To borrow the outsiders' way of speaking: Nahhhhh. I'm gonna hang out with the Ebony Wizard again someday, you just watch. ...And it feels incredibly strange talking like that._

Setting the medicine aside for now, Patchouli settled down with her acquisition from Megas Express: A thick hardcover book with "The Ultimate Wanderer's Guide to the Stars" stenciled across the front, the usual array of protection spells now in place. Its cover showed a few signs of age, but otherwise it was in good condition. _I may not have retrieved my belongings from Marisa, but at least I didn't return empty-handed._

_...Though now I'm a bit curious. Most of their gifts catered to our tastes- - -with emphasis on 'most'- - -but did they ever say what they gave the rabbit?_

/-/-/-/

Kaguya's brows furrowed, an unusually intense look of concentration on her face. Her opponent sat before her, its eyes glimmering and its mouth breathing fire.

"Um, Princess..."

"Quiet a moment, Inaba. Wait for just the right moment, and... ...NOW!" Both of her thumbs blurred into motion. "Past the lizard, grab the axe... DOWN YOU GO, TWINKLE-TOES!"

Music rang out victoriously as the monster dropped into the lava, and Kaguya felt vindicated at her accomplishment...

...and then her jaw dropped as a message blinked into existence on the little TV screen. "'Thank you Fabio, but our princess is in another castle'?! That's not fair!"

A bemused Reisen got up and turned to Eirin, who'd been watching the whole thing from the doorway. "Would it be alright if I suddenly forgot why I came in here?" the moon rabbit asked.

"Go on ahead," Eirin said, gesturing at the door as Kaguya continued her game. "Finish your tasks and get some sleep." _Really... what were they thinking, trying to introduce this technology to Gensokyo? Granted their intentions were good, and the princess is enjoying herself, but it could have caused a severe degradation of life and morals throughout the land. There would soon come a time when chaos would reign, magic would rot away, and Gensokyo would cease to exist._

After Reisen left, Eirin took another look at the gaming system and tiny TV, and the homemade Lunarian battery that powered them. Considering just how little energy was required to keep the devices running, it would take centuries- - -perhaps even a millennium- - -before the battery would require recharging, and that was _if_ the systems were never shut off. Twin stacks of games as high as her forearm was long ensured that Kaguya would be occupied for a while, and her manipulation of eternity meant that none of the offered technology in the room would ever suffer any sort of deterioriation.

"Hey, a vine? What happens if I climb- - -... COINS!"

Eirin finally facepalmed, edging her way out of the room. _And here I allowed Cooplowski to release these things into Eientei. Everyone out there had_ better _appreciate my sacrifice._

The sounds of an amused princess, the ringing of coins, and an overly catchy stage theme went on far into the night.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

(Yuuka using her flower manipulation ability and Gensokyo's ambient magic to begin restoring the Garden of the Sun to its former glory, something that will keep her occupied for a good long while even discounting the upcoming winter. Marisa and Alice arguing with each other while en route to their respective homes, apparently regarding the former's newfound dream of seeing Gensokyo from Megas's backseat.)

_**THE END (FOR REAL THIS TIME)** _

(Jamie again talking to Patchouli... this time without interruption, seeing as how Koakuma has been distracted by _Goat._ Remilia and Flandre sitting dignified at the Mansion's dining room table, sipping at a red bubbly liquid... and if the straws in their glasses are any indication, it's strawberry soda they're drinking. In the background, Sakuya is seen walking past with a pizza-wrapped ham on a platter.)

"Thanks for everything... all those special things..."

(Coop and Yuyuko glaring at each other over a plate of sliders, with Youmu looking on nervously. Kiva working in a quick spar with Meiling.)

"...The stolen moments shared when we were unprepared for anything..."

(The front page of the Bunbunmaru, featuring a photograph of Megas parked near the Hakurei Shrine; Suika is sitting on one of its feet, smiling toothily, while Reimu and Yukari- - -best as the reader can tell- - -seem rather ill at ease. Off to the side, Ran is having a shouting match at Megas's head, gesturing wildly with some fried tofu in her hand.)

"Walking in the park, that sudden summer storm..."

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

_**FANTASY OF UTTER RIDICULOUSNESS** _

_STORY and REVISIONS_

Curtis Wildcat

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_COVER ART_

Spectrum9001 (DeviantArt)

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_SPECIAL THANKS_

All reviewers, favorite-rs, and followers

Jody Schaeffer

George Krstic

ZUN

...and you

Ciao mein everyone, and don't forget to look for first gear.

**/-/-/-/**

**Save replay?**

No

**Result (Extra)**

1 Curtis 100042020(c) 10/13/2016 0.00

2 -

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**Quit**

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**Start**

**Shut Down**

**What do you want the computer to do? - Shut Do- - -... -GAP-**

**Cancel**

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_"Not so fast there, bucko. You may be finished listening to me, but I'm not finished verbalizing. Did you really expect me to act completely useless in one stage, play an expository role in the next and_ _**not** _ _expect me to get my hands dirty sooner or later? No. There's more to this tale than just Megas wrecking havoc in Gensokyo. Sit still, child, and permit me the dignity of an explanation._

_"I have known what Megas was and who the Glorft were ever since the temporal boundaries were twisted. Anything that could potentially cause harm to what I've spent a chunk of my life protecting, I catalog and keep a close eye on; if I deem it dangerous enough, I deal with it my own way._

_"Some examples to consider. First and foremost: Megas itself. The world was not ready for a metal giant- - -headless or not- - -and Gensokyo certainly wasn't. I had actually considered removing the variable from the equation entirely- - -by which I mean_ _**destroying it** _ _\- - -but I decided that letting it sit in that junkyard would be enough. There is no equivalent to the kappa's technological brilliance in the outside world; certainly no human would be able to make that monstrosity work if it was ever found._

_"...Don't you dare give me that look. Yes, I messed up, but you can't say that I didn't mess up_ _**big.** _ _It's just as well that I couldn't bring myself to destroy Megas, but we'll go more into detail about that later._

_"Those monsters and criminals once imprisoned for billions upon billions of years, unwittingly unleashed on a hapless city? The leftover piece of a smug, self-confident and 'invincible' spider robot? The bug creature brought back from a sojourn into the depths of outer space? I have taken a direct hand in dealing with them all. The interdimensional prison was easy enough for me to replicate, although I required plenty of sleep to recover from its creation. I had Suika crush Regis's remaining fragment out of existence within one of her black holes. ...What, the bug? I used a giant flyswatter. What did you_ think _I did with it?_

_"With a few other exceptions, I left everything else in Megas and Coop's capable hands. Yes, they are highly destructive, but in their proper place they're a boon to Gensokyo... and by proper, I mean 'anywhere but there'. It is one of the reasons why I no longer feel that eliminating Megas is an option._

_"As for the other reason?..._

_"For the sake of those listening to this conversation, some of you have seen the connections between me and a young girl named Maribel, thinking that I was once a time-displaced her. The truth varies across realities; in some I'm not, and in others I am, you know how that goes. For the sake of what you might call 'The FoUR-verse', let's pretend that I am. Let's pretend that the dreams I see are more easily experienced than any of yours. ...And let's pretend that I'm not going to smack you with a live tuna for nodding off._

_"Are you awake now? Good; that was nearly a waste of a perfectly good fish. Now pay attention._

_"In my youth, many years before I took the name 'Yukari Yakumo', I had a severe fever and was forced to rest for the better part of several weeks. ...Remember that, do you? Good. ...As I slept and recovered, alternating between sane and delirious, in my mind's eye I saw a flaming blue titan that both destroyed and was dealt destruction in return. I saw the many threats that it would face, including what I now know are the Glorft and Coop's power-hungry alternate self. There were others that I saw only in silhouette, including Suika, Yuuka and, yes, myself as I am now. The thing that struck me most, the thing that became permanently engraved on my mind, was what would happen if that titan were to fall in battle and not get back up:_

_"The destruction of paradise, with Gensokyo vanishing into reality forever. Humanity's last hope extinguished. All of the fantastic races still in existence gone once and for all. A person I had yet to meet fading away in a flurry of sakura petals. Earth crushed within the Glorft's iron grip. Overall, a Bad Ending._

_"After recovering from my fever I began to take increasingly drastic measures, eventually leading me to learn how to fully control my powers and to turn myself into the youkai you see before you, amongst other things. I wanted to do everything I could to make sure that future didn't come to pass, and this meant starting from the ground up. ...Yes, this meant that I could time travel, but it's something I don't do often. It's rather taxing, you see, and even if it weren't I don't dare to abuse that power. It took almost everything I had just to be present here today._

_"As I said earlier... I'd known about Megas since it landed a millennium off target, but it wasn't until after Coop discovered it in that junkyard and restored it that I realized that it was the titan I saw in my dreams. I kept watch from that point on, and like you saw I stood ready to intervene if Yuuka took her anger too far._

_"...But it was unneeded. It was all unneeded. Events kept conspiring to allow Coop to defy others' expectations of him, and I learned that it was impossible to prepare for absolutely everything. A famous writer once said that the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. If Gorrath's plan to smash the moon into the planet came completely out of left field, Coop's means of thwarting it came past the warning track... and then who should come barreling into Gensokyo not long after, on the heels of a meeting with those more powerful than I?_

_"No, I'm_ _**not** _ _blushing with embarassment. Stop giggling. Everyone gets caught off guard sometimes, okay? We are_ _**not** _ _talking about this, you understand? I've got mystique to keep up._

_"Anyway... on the whole, Coop does just fine without my help. Yuyuko was right: whatever happens to him and his friends from now on, he will be the key to Earth surviving the future it faces,_ _**regardless** _ _of whose future it is. I know that now. I just wish he wouldn't make a mess of things on those occasions where he vacations in Gensokyo. It's very annoying having to clean up after him... hmm? What is it?_

_"Oh, forgive me. Was I boring you? I'm sorry that not every moment of my life revolves around entertaining you._

_"I'm just kidding. No, I'm not angry at you. How could I be, after everything we said and did together as children? It doesn't matter whether we are separated by species, mindsets or even time. Friendships can survive death itself if properly molded. And I'm not talking about special cases like Yuyuko, either._

_"Don't worry. You'll comprehend the full impact of my words before long, I'm sure. For now, though, I have to go; my time here is drawing to a close. I'll try to visit you again as circumstances permit. And I appreciate you listening to my tale, bizarre as it was._

_"Trust me, I will. And thank you. Thank you for everything. Sayonara, Renko."_

**-GAP-**

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**Start**

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"...Eh. I'm outta here."

_**Windows is shutting down...** _

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	9. Omakes - Gensokyo Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contains deleted scenes from the Extra Stage. The first was in the story for over a year before I got rid of it, but I still consider it canonical. The second was intended to be a spur-of-the-moment joke before common sense won out.

_**SCENE #1** _

/-/-/-/-/

In the dead of the night, there are no humans active. All of those that lived at the village had long since retreated there. Reimu and Marisa, removed as they were from the village, had homes of their own to return to (a fully repaired home, in Marisa's case). Sakuya, of course, had nothing to fear.

Mokou was the only other human who looked down upon the terrors of the night. On this evening she'd situated herself along the edges of the Bamboo Forest of the Lost, considering whether to initiate a fight against Kaguya or just mill about until boredom lulled her to sleep. It had been a day or two since she'd last had anything to eat, but she felt she'd be able to handle things for a little while longer.

A distant rumble tickled the edges of Mokou's hearing, and she looked up at the sky. There wasn't much to see. The ever-present moon, the twinkling of stars, the patchy clouds that promised snow soon to come, the bright blue flames arrowing towards the ground- - -...

The rumbling noise got louder, and higher pitched than anyone would expect. Mokou blinked and rubbed her eyes, convinced she was seeing things, but no: a blazing comet was sweeping down towards the ground, and _for the love of Gensokyo she was right in its path!_

Thankfully, before the time came when she would have to dodge or die (not like it mattered; it was just the principle of the thing), the comet pulled up fifteen meters over Mokou's head and soared on over the Bamboo Forest. The air that kicked up in its wake jerked her off her feet, and some of the bamboo bent dangerously close to breaking before straightening again. Somewhere in the distance fairies and weaker youkai cried out in fear, including the very distinctive yelp of a wolf.

There was an image captured in her mind's eye: a metal colossus, the source of the flames being several tubes on its back... and in that moment, she thought she'd heard someone yelling delightedly. Belatedly Mokou remembered that same picture showing up in an issue of the Bunbunmaru, but at the time she'd dismissed the article as one of the tengu's imaginings...

_..._

_...You know what? Forget this. I'm getting myself some food before I get any more delirious._

Her decision made and her stomach growling, Mokou stood up and walked off to see what to do about a late dinner. The high-pitched rumbling slowly faded until it could be heard no more.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

_**SCENE #2** _

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Somewhere across the battlefield, three magicians and a rabbit watched the fight in silence. They were as close as they dared for front row seats; any closer, and they risked becoming collateral damage for the brawling colossi.

When Megas triggered its second Spell Card of the fight, it grabbed their attention immediately. Marisa stared at the weapon with a level of stoicism unusual for her, her expression unsure. "Guys?"

The others forced themselves to look away from the fight. "What is it, Marisa?" Alice asked.

The group's only human had some difficulty doing so, but she too was able to turn her eyes away. "...You ever wonder why we're here?"

_"Please_ don't start, Marisa," Patchouli said, shaking her head. "Just... don't."

Marisa scratched the back of her head in confusion as the others continued watching the fight, then dismissed her line of thought altogether. "Well, whatever. This is more entertaining than introspection anyway, ze."


	10. Closing Notes - Insight of the Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because I can't get the Notes for this story to work like I want them to. Hey, it's my first time posting stuff here at AooO. Still getting used to stuff here.

In an attempt to offer my readers some sort of idea as to what exactly I was thinking regarding _Fantasy Of Utter Ridiculousness_ , here you go. Hopefully this will answer any questions you might be asking yourself. If it doesn't, then feel free to consider it all useless trivia. :)

/-/-/

**CHAPTER ONE**

As I said at the close of the main story, _Imperishable Night's_ Extra Stage and the Megas XLR episode "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Coop" are fairly close together as far as the fic's timeline is concerned: at the very most, only two or three days apart. The events of the game would've still been on the minds of those involved in some way, so Tewi and Yukari were paying closer than the usual attention to the moon when the Glorft's base was destroyed (although personally, I don't think they had the right viewing angle to spot the mothership when it fled). Meiling and Alice, on the flip side, had other things to worry about.

The events of the 1990s cartoon series "Road Rovers" are canonical to the FoUR-verse, or at least they are from Yukari's perspective. Maybe she ended up their in some form or another by way of her dreams, but if not then I don't know _how_ she ended up there. I imagine it was entertaining, though.

I wouldn't put it past the Lunarians to create a giant mech for the Defense Corps to use. Would you?

I couldn't adequately describe the Guardsman in its entirety if I tried. What I _can_ say is that its performance level runs parallel to the skills, experience, and courage of its pilot, as you could expect. In the hands of any of the cowardly moon rabbits, most of whom might not have much battle experience and think they're safe just because they're piloting a mech, it's the equivalent of a punching bag for Megas. If either of the Watatsuki sisters had been behind the controls instead... well, draw your own conclusions.

The Guardsman's Emergency Transporter Boundary relies heavily on the presence of a border manipulator to work, such as Toyohime (although compared to Yukari, her job is limited in scope from what I can tell). When triggered, the ETB sends those that have been tagged to the manipulator's location.

**CHAPTER TWO**

It took a year or so after I first finished the story before I realized that Marisa doesn't necessarily _have_ to resort to breaking and entering to get into the SDM (which is what Patchouli's dialogue implies regarding her tendencies). Looking back at this, all I can really figure for this story is that it's- - -as one fanwork put it- - -"the most convenient gate".

I've never seen Flandre as a homicidal maniac; that would be dark and depressing, and I have enough issues with the latter as it is. Instead, I depicted her in this story as a sort-of-sweet kid whose grasp of reality was jarred back into alignment by the inclement weather. Once again, Coop saves the day completely by accident. (As an addendum: yes, I'm aware of Flandre's recent depiction in 'Foul Detective Satori'.)

**CHAPTER THREE**

In the first version of this story, I'd just written down what I thought was a high number and passed it off as Coop's high score for that Spell Card. When editing the chapter for posting at DeviantArt, I did a practice run of PCB's Stage Three (Normal Mode, Sakuya A) and did some math afterwards to figure out how high my score went up after the Card was beaten.

...Yeah, suffice to say I'd underestimated the pinball-ness of the games' scoring system.

The song for the practice duel was, of course, Alice's boss theme from PCB _._

**CHAPTER FOUR**

I think I owe Popeye and Wimpy an apology after what I pulled here.

For at least a month before I was talked into trying any of the Touhou games back in 2011, Patchouli was my favorite character (for which you can thank _MegaMari_ ). Why I thought making her go through these things was funny, I've long forgotten.

I'm kind of curious to know what Megas's approximate height really is. Best I can figure from re-watching the "Breakout" episode is that it's about as tall as a six-story building, but I can't say that for a certainty. Anyone out there have any ideas?

_Z_ , the show Coop and Jamie were talking about, is their equivalent of real-world entertainment: in this case, _V_. I've never watched the show myself (what little knowledge I have of the show's contents comes from TV Tropes); I just vaguely remember my older siblings back in... 1988 or so, watching reruns of it at Grandma's house and me seeing that glowing red V during the closing credits. That used to creep me out.

If I had to pick a single quote to summarize this whole story, Suika's closing statements would've been it.

"Short Hair" is the name of the song meant to be heard during Megas's fairy beatdown. You know the one.

**CHAPTER FIVE**

If you've played _Scarlet Weather Rhapsody,_ Patchouli's opening comments probably seem a bit funnier.

"What a horrible day to have a nightmare" was my rather half-hearted attempt at referencing _Castlevania II: Simon's Quest_. "What a horrible night to have a curse," and all that jazz.

(A minor side note is that _Simon's Quest_ is the only Castlevania game that I or my family have ever actually owned. I'm familiar with some of the other games, the Gameboy Advance ones in particular, but the setting and elements make me queasy overall. Can't argue with the music, though.)

As a child, I was scared of _Sledge Hammer!_. As a grownup, I now find its opening sequence very amusing. Still don't know what to think of the show itself.

The opening portion of the fight features Suika's boss theme from _IaMP_. As if you hadn't already guessed.

**CHAPTER SIX**

For those notes not included during the credits gag:

Thermal expansion should have dictated that freezing the firebomb wouldn't have worked out the way it was described. Science plans, fiction laughs; as the red button's label should've implied previously, having your stories make sense is optional if you're more concerned with how cool it looks. This doesn't always mean you can try stuff in real life just to see if it will work, though. Far from it.

My one regret about this story is that the original writing didn't have Goat making a cameo appearance. The Extra Stage fixes that.

No, _Touhou Soccer_ is not canonical to the FoUR-verse. Much as the game was fun (the multitude of times it Blue-Screened my laptop notwithstanding), I'm gonna have to disappoint you on that one.

Looking at what Marisa says to Reimu a certain way, it could be interpreted as a reference to Kakashi Hatake. Wasn't the intention when I wrote it, though.

Speaking of the credits gag, two of the depicted events- - -Jamie trying to hit on Patchouli, and Reisen explaining about the medicine- - -canonically take place before the scene depicting Coop and the others back home.

**ALTERNATE ENDING**

The energy field that stopped Suika's attack wasn't based on anything in particular. Any similarity to pre-existing material is entirely coincidental.

The motto of the Marisa Kirisame School of Danmaku: "Danmaku is power!"

The Alternate Ending could be considered a Bad Ending, at least where Patchouli is concerned. Depending on how long it would take to put the Mansion's library back together, her lifestyle would either remain the same (best case scenario), meet the same fate as the S-Force (allow her magical abilities to atrophy to some degree, but not enough that she wouldn't be able to recover within a reasonable amount of time), or sink to Coop's level of slothfulness (read the Life of Maid webcomic for a good example of what I'm talking about). Yeah... hang out with Coop for too long, and bad stuff happens.

**EXTRA STAGE**

A _ton_ of stuff to bring up here. First, several differences with this one compared to the rest of the story:

**#1,** it's bigger than the rest of the story put together. At the start, I'd said that the main story was the equivalent of a "textbook Touhou stage". In the games, the Extra Stage typically takes longer than any two stages put together, aside from maybe 5-6.

**#2,** you're not given any chapter breaks. That's intentional: during _Imperishable Night_ and prior games (including the PC-98 ones, far as I can remember), you at least had the opportunity to breathe easier during the Scoring screens in-between stages. During the ES, however, you don't get that opportunity until the boss conversations: the only other breaks you get are the ones you give yourself.

**#3** doesn't need much explanation. The boss you face at the end is much harder to deal with than everything else in the game. Since Suika is comparable to an Extra boss in her own right (she being one of the few to canonically defeat a full-powered Reimu), she set the bar pretty high; thus, I had to pick an opponent that could possibly _surpass_ her. Flandre enjoyed watching Megas and Suika duel in the main story, but was forbidden by Remilia to attack anything outside the Mansion; Yukari was needed at Exposition Central and had no desire to _fight_ Megas anyway, given her provided backstory. Since PoFV and later games haven't taken place yet, that left...

Yuuka Kazami. Just... Yuuka Kazami. I went into the Extra Stage with very little understanding of her character, and I'm not sure yet whether I can say that's no longer true. Fanon has exaggerated her negative traits so much, it's not even funny.

Far as _Megas XLR's_ timeline goes, this takes place not long after "Thanksgiving Throwdown!".

For those few of you who were unhappy that the Alternate Ending wasn't canon (you know who you are), the little sequence at the beginning is the best compromise I can offer. If you're inclined to complain regardless of what I do, re-read the story's title; you're overthinking things. Severely.

Yuyuko's character was fun to write. That is all I will say on the matter. :) And yes, her waking up Yukari was a blatant reference to Garfield.

If you've played both PCB and the first few fighting games, you're probably familiar with the discrepancy involving Alice's eye color (blue in the former, yellow in the latter). I decided to have a bit of fun with this and have her eyes change depending on her moods: blue if she's calm or otherwise in full control of her emotions, yellow if she's upset, aggressive or otherwise negative.

One of the things I liked about being able to work on this story again was that I could start pulling in those Megas gags that I missed the first time around. The cheering children, Coop's alternate button-pushing method...

_(Minor side note is that I have nothing against Seija, whether as a character or as a stage boss. If you want to talk about characters I don't like in Touhou, you can start and end that discussion with Parsee. Stupid mid-boss spell card...)_

During the girls' Spell Card duel, the narration says that Megas's Super Destructor Mode covered "40,000 square meters worth of land". For clarification, the area measures 200 meters North-South and 200 meters West-East. I'm hoping I made myself understood here, as math on the whole was one of my worst subjects in school. It was no fault of the teachers; I was just never good at it. :(

I'm not sure how common it is for others to try this, but when I was a kid, my older brother loved playing rock-paper-scissors and adding the dynamite symbol to the mix. It eventually got to the point where I started off with scissors to try and get an easy first-round win, though granted this wasn't always successful.

If anyone here thinks that Patchouli's OOC, a little something to bear in mind: in matters of ideology and intelligence, Coop is her worst enemy. You've seen in the games how Alice gets more easily irritated and prone to snarking whenever Marisa's in the vicinity. The same effect applies here. :)

I've had cramps plenty of times, but I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to pull or strain a muscle. All I know is, Patchouli throwing Reimu had _better_ have broken through someone's suspension of disbelief, or else I need to put in more effort in following my personal creed.

I could never understand how people on rollercoasters could scream their heads off. I used to go to Cedar Point in Ohio when I was younger, and whenever I was on the Iron Dragon or the Disaster Transport, the air rushing against my face always kept me from opening my mouth. That and my fear of heights are the reasons why I've never gone on any rollercoaster there larger than the Gemini.

As with the earthquake thing in Chapter Five, Yukari's comment concerning youkai not paying much attention to Outside traditions seems funnier if you're familiar with series canon. Here's a hint: "wicked hermit".

The Idiot Gun's blast missing Yuuka as it did? Yeah, it was entirely Sagume's fault. That ability of hers opens the way for _so_ much humor potential. :D

If you're curious about what Coop was referring to by "Squid Doomsday", he's referring to the Glorft's Eradicator that he had to face down at the end of "The Driver's Seat".

Here's my reasoning for "Divine Northern Fist: Fantastic Piledriver":

**One:** in _Hisoutensoku,_ when you successfully pull off "Fantasy Heaven"- - -or "Fantasy Nature", as it's now translated as- - -in the third round of a fight, the music changes to a _Fist of the North Star_ -esque take on Reimu's theme.

**Two:** The Kraidgief boss in _I Wanna Be The Guy_ (which I've long ago given up on trying to beat) has a hidden attack with several _FotNS_ references in itself. _"Hokuto No Shinken: Spinning Piledriver!"_

**Three:** Take both of the above explanations, combine them with "Fantasy Nature" itself and Megas's leaning towards wrestling moves in combat, and the story's final attack is the result.

I like to think Seija was actively breaking the fourth wall during her second appearance, getting mad at anyone reading who was laughing at her. People who had difficulty with her during _DDC_ probably wouldn't be having much pity for her, I'm guessing.

Fanon likes to depicts Kaguya as a video game-playing shut-in, which normally would be impossible. Just _how_ would she obtain them? And even if they turned up at Kourindou (a Game Boy _has_ shown up there before) and Reisen brought them back, how would she get them to work? If you've finished reading _FoUR_ by now, you're not allowed to guess what my answers are to those questions. :)

The video game character "Fabio" that Kaguya was controlling isn't an original creation; he appears in the episode "Thanksgiving Throwdown!" as a parade balloon.

I'd like to point out that I prefer to stay as far away from the "shipping" thing as possible, both on the Internet and otherwise. Aside from the fact that any personal preferences I would have are irrelevant where canon is concerned, arguing with people who disagree with me is a gigantic waste of breath and bytes, as we both feel that we're justified in our beliefs (and tact isn't one of my strong suits anyway, regrettably). The Jamie-and-Patchouli thing was a joke, and that solely for the mental imagery that comes from pairing a deadbeat slacker with no talents of his own with a magical powerhouse who should really know better.

...And on that note, if you thought _that_ particular pairing was weird... :D

For those wondering why I had that sequence at the end depicting a computer shutting down (complete with a sound byte from _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_ that I've been using off and on since 2010), I was hoping against hope that some would understand my desire not to revisit the story anymore. Sure, _FoUR_ was fun to write, but I can only keep it going for so long; I can't just keep depicting Megas getting into fights in Gensokyo against the likes of Utsuho and the rest, as I'd essentially be re-using old plots. Hence, the sense of finality that I was trying to portray by 'shutting down the system', as it were.

On the other hand, just because the series is closed to me doesn't necessarily mean that the series is closed to _you._ For those who feel that they're up to the challenge, **the FoURverse is now open to expansion.** How would Megas's sporadic presence impact Gensokyo as a whole, if at all? In the future, would the Lunarians be willing to fight alongside Earth against the Glorft? In the alternate timelime, would Patchouli be able to contribute anything to Coop's fights, or would she try to find a local library to seclude herself in (until it eventually gets blown up via collateral damage)? Be it serious or be it humorous, the sky's the limit. Want to create your own off-shoot from the main timeline? Then use your imagination and write! :D

(An addendum to that last one: where the alternate timeline is concerned, Patchouli would have been present for the events of "Viva Las Megas", since the main reason for Coop's visit to Vegas deals with a newfound hobby of hers _and_ it's reflected during the Extra Stage when she's remembering her dreams.)

_**IN CLOSING:**_ A trope page for this story exists. Just do a search at TV Tropes, and you should find it quickly enough.

Ciao mein, everyone.


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